I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[1853dave]

Well...another day, and I don't know if I did ok or not.

Sorry for the long post, but there's a lot to say...

W and D9 have a girl scout event in the mountains this weekend, and I agreed to have D4 during that time. This was in the works for over a month. When she first approached me on it, she said that I could stay in the condo (the one we own) with D4 and the dog.
Well, at the beginning of this month, I FINALLY got my own place - a month to month rental. As you may recall, I was greeted with a restraining order back in November, and I have stayed in 5 different places for 6 months. The RO was terminated by the W at the end of January, and I have been DB'ing my butt off ever since. Due to the wonderfully unfair temp financial orders that the court decided, I have about $750 a month to live on... So, long story short, I have been working hard to save enough money to get a place for the summer...

So, today W calls me and says that she would like me and D4 to stay at my own place...and the dog too. I told her that might be ok, but I want a key to the condo in case we need something. "Like what?" she asks. I didn't have anything particular in mind, but there are all of D4's toys, clothes, DVD movies, etc. there. She said she pack everything we'd need. I told her that wasn't the point - all of my stuff is there too. She again asked what I would need. I again said I didn't plan to need anything, but in reality I want the ability to have access while she and D9 are out of town. She said "that is my home, and I am not comfortable with you there going through my stuff." What?!? I told her I will not "go through her stuff" (whatever she feels her stuff is). This went on a bit, so I then told her that I have every legal right to that condo because as it sits right now, I am STILL the owner of that condo. She tried but could not argue that point. I told her that I was being supportive and giving her space by not being there, and by getting my own place, but I was in no manner "handing over the condo". She said she'd think about giving me the key. I told her there was nothing really to think about. The condo is mine, and I have legal right to access and to hold a key while she is out of town. She then offered that maybe a neighbor could hold the key - and I said no - I will not go crawling to a neighbor on my hands and knees because I am not trustworthy. That is still MY (our) condo. The conversation then turned...and I know it wasn't necessarily in the DB model, but I tried my best to keep the tone matter of fact, yet compassionate. I told her that I know that she still wants out, and I accept that she feels that way. I reminded her that I don't want the divorce (and she acknowledged that), and the kids certainly don't want it, and both families do not want to see us split. I told her of how I never intended to hurt her if I did - I thought we had the best family ever, and I was always so committed to the family. I provided, kept a nice condo, fixed the cars, spent copious time with the kids, took care of myself, did family things...I thought I was doing everything right. I hear the ladies at work complain about their husbands, and I always took mental notes - about sloppiness, not providing for the family, not keeping the cars running, not playing with the kids, not helping around the house, or fixing things, or taking care of the kids so that W could study / go running / do whatever... I also never had any desire to lie or cheat on her - that was just never in my interest - I was always happy with her. I told her that she might remember that I called her "my breath of fresh air..."
I told her that I thought many of our problems have stemmed from poor perceptions and poor communications. She said she "tried everything to get through to (me)" (sound familiar, DB readers???) - and I told her that she probably didn't... That upset her, saying that I was blaming her for everything now. I took it back, and redefined what I was saying - that I do NOT blame her - I blame US. How we were not efficient communicators with eachother...how we fell into a VERY common trap, etc... I asked her if she thinks we've been communicating better lately, and she immediately answered "Yes..." I asked her if she has seen some real changes in me, and again she immediately answered "Yes." I know this does not go with the DB guidelines, and I was aware of this as I was saying it. But, for some reason, I felt a need to air it.
I told her how the Restraining Order back in Nov was a real shock for me. Yet, I took the time to research what in the world happened to us. I took some classes in communications, in character, and in conflict resolution. I have read several relationship books (including DB and DR, but I didn't tell her titles...). I have sought counseling, and advice from those in the know.. And, I continue to do these things. I told her that once I discovered what happened to us, that it was a very common pattern in married couples, that I was relieved, as I knew that there must be a solution. I have been working on these improvements ever since. I also told her that I am making these improvements for myself, because I want to improve my relationships with everyone - and while it probably won't make a difference in her decison to stay or go - and I know that - but it will improve my relationships with my kids, family, coworkers, people in public, and any other future companion in my life. And, regardless of how this turns out, I still plan to continue on these improvements.
At some point in there was some talk of D, and I told her that it is likely not to go as clean and smooth as she anticipates. By that, I told her, I meant it would be not due to anything I would do - it's just the natural fallout of divorce. In my first D, it was amicable, and we only used an atty to run the final paperwork for us. The XW then changed her name and left the state, never to be seen again. Even so, it was still very difficult to recover from the entire thing. And, in comparison, that was an "easy" divorce! In our case, I told her, the dynamics are MUCH different - especially with the kids. We will be in each other's lives forever. There is no "go your separate ways" in our sitch. That was one reason I was doing all I could do... by giving her the space she needed, and helping where I could, and being accommodating....and working on myself. Even if it ended in a D, I would be better for it all, and I'd know that I did my very best for all of us.
W was very quiet the entire time. Entire time. I could tell she was listening, because she was not arguing. This has been the first time I was really able to open up to her. I was careful not to point fingers, or assign blame...if there was any, I included myself in it too. While I accepted some blame for myself, I was careful not to isolate her in blame. I think I did all of this in a way where she did not feel threatened.
Somewhat surprisingly, the conversation then ended on a reasonably good note.
A few hours later, I met the family in town because D9 had a Girl Scout event, so I again had D4 for the evening. We did the usual of going to the playground at the mall, and after girl scouts D9 and W showed up, and visited and played a bit. W was friendly as always, as though nothing was wrong (!) - so I'm guessing she didn't feel attacked by me. We all walked back to the cars, and said our friendly goodbyes....

So, those were the day's events. I don't know if I blew it or not... I think speaking my peace was perhaps a 180...I was not confrontational, I was somewhat apologetic, and I was showing compassion and honesty as well as I could in this situation. Even after all of this, she was still comfortable being with me this evening. Had we more time, we would have had more interaction before they left for the night, but it was truly getting late.

Well, at least it all ended on a good note, and there seemed to be no hurt feelings. I don't feel as though this was a bad event today... It happened, right or wrong. Maybe she needed to hear some of the things from my heart. Now I'll shut up and see what happens. I will not belabor any point already made.

I'm thinking I might just give in and not make a big deal about the key....just in the interest of not making things controversial. I think today I made my point in the conversation...

Any thoughts?