You know like I used to explain to my H DIVORCED people don't hang out at each others homes and recreate together. They just don't. They don't grade your yard cause it will save you money, they don't pay for insurance....
exactly...I think lots of times people look at this through rose colored glasses...
listen..Kim and i do Ok..I can have a civil conversation about Caleigh with her..
anything else having to do with her life, her money, her house..her existance..
I could actually care less...if she even attempts to go there i let her know I could care less..
Hey Mike, nice to read you as usual. What you suggest is alot easier to do when you are done and have moved on. I have no problem doing that today although I am probably not as "upfront" about it as you are. However, I have a hunch that BBj has not thrown in the towel as of yet in spite of her plans to file.
BBJ, I get the feeling (when you talk to Dan about the kids), that you are trying to guilt him into a reconcilliation. I think WAS are way beyond that....and anyway do you really want Dan to come back to your marriage because of the kids? That probably does not sound right but I hope you get the general idea of what I am trying to say.
The helping spouse thing (in your case insurance and landscaping) is also something that made me shake my head a few times. May be guilt or old habits...or who knows, he may be softening up a little. Just my two cents worth.
No, I am not trying to use the kids to guilt him into anything. That is what he thinks, too. I promise, it isn't. Last December, (18 months ago) I DID knowingly try to use the kids to guilt him. I was desperate to get him away from the ow and back to me.
But not now. This is about the kids hurting and being confused in large part, because of his actions. I just want him to let go of the denial on that one and admit it. He does occasionally text me that he knows this is 'tearing Nathan up' and that it 'kills him' that the kids are hurting. But I don't know that I believe him since he doesn't change his actions...
The whole thing just frustrates me because the kids are sharing all of this with me, but not Dan.
For example, Dan yells at Nathan a lot when Nathan is practicing karate. Actually, Nathan will whine/cry and say he doesn't want to, and his dad yells at him for whining. Then if Nathan screws around while practicing his dad yells at him again. This isn't screaming, it is more like b!tching at Nathan, if that makes sense.
Well anyway Nathan said something to me about wanting his dad back home, wanting us together, something along those lines. I said, "Honey you always tell me these things and i am glad you do, but why don't you ever tell your dad?" Not because I want to guilt trip Dan but because I want him to see what it is like to have the kids asking these things every day, for him to have to answer them instead of always me.
Anyway, Nathan replies, "I don't tell Daddy because he might get mad at me. I don't want him to yell at me."
Great! He is afraid to share his feelings with his dad b/c he doesn't want his dad mad at him. I feel like Dan should know this. But I won't tell him b/c I don't want him to think I am guilting him again...maybe I will mention it to the counselor.
And FYI, I didn't speak to Dan at all yesterday. I asked the kids if they wanted to call him to say goodnight and they said they would talk to him tomorrow (today now).
Then today I haven't spoken to him either. Sad to say I feel better that I haven't talked to him in two days. Weird.
You are right Jeff. I like NOT having drama. Even though Dan probably thinks I stir things up intentionally....
For instance, I would like to do what the pastor said. Ask him one last time if he truly wants a divorce. (I KNOW, read the signs, he is not trying to get closer to me so he must want the divorce. BUT he refuses to say the words. Which is annoying!) If he says he wants one, or if he refuses to answer the question, then tell him that I am going to go ahead and go to the lawyer and file.
The main reason I want to tell him before I go file is so I can confirm some things with him first. Such as: 1)I assume he would like me to serve him in person rather than having him served at work.
2)Give him the heads-up that he will be paying half (if not all) of the retainer, so be prepared when the attorney bills him. I actually don't know if he will bill him, or just include the fees in the settlement. But based on income discrepancy, he will wind up paying at least part of the legal fees.
3)Ask him specifically what custody arrangements he wants. I offered him 50/50, I want him to have 50/50. But he thinks he isn't capable. So to make it simpler I would prefer to know up front how much custody he actually wants so I can put it in the paperwork.
Anyway the more we agree on ahead of time the cheaper the divorce will be.
But saying any of that will probably come across as my 'provoking' him.
I would just feel better warning him ahead of time since that is the route the pastor advised. If he blows me off, says he 'doesn't want to talk about it', whatever, then I will file and put in there the way I want things to be and he will have to just roll with it and deal...
Hmmmm..... I can see wanting to tell him ahead of time, but I think I might do it as a matter of informing him, not asking him. And I think the only thing I would try to get his feelings on is the custody issue. As far as serving him, I think I'd plan on it. If he won't accept, then you go to plan B. If hasn't really cost you anything. As far as who is going to pay, it is going to be how it is, let him deal with it.
Gotcha, valid points. Plan to serve him myself, we will sort out the financials as they come, the only thing I really need to know is about custody issues/desires.
And even with the custody, you can serve him with what you want, and let him respond. Of course, that will probably add to the cost. But you might end up going there anyway.
I think it's actually nice that they will allow you to serve him yourself. The state of GA requires that the papers are served by a process server or sheriff's deputy. Of course, I got served at my office by an officer I knew. That was just lovely.
You sound like you are doing very well BBJ. Regarding the issue with Nathan feeling like he can't tell his dad about his feelings because he thinks Dan will get mad - bring it up to the counselor and let them work on it with Nathan. That takes the emotion out of the equation for you. Healthier all around.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
