Wow.. I havent seen any hostility on this thread? Quite the opposite, I see a bunch of people committed to helping SMW to handle the sitch with her H and win him back.. and how lucky and blessed she is that perfect strangers feel willing and want to do that? I for one feel humbled, blessed and deeply thankful for all the help and advice I have received over the past year+!
As do I, and I have thanked those who have taken the time, both here and via phone, to support and encourage me.
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SMW I was a bit confused when you said this though...
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Perhaps I should stop posting here, as obviously my Christian principles are not gelling with the DB principles.
.. your beliefs have nothing to do with posting here. I think what I and maybe Mike (and anyone else? not sure) were trying to say is, you need to perhaps step back a little from your H..let go a little (and let God, as the saying goes), he needs to see the light for himself.. in DBing terms, he needs to do this, its his journey, its going to take time and he hasnt had his "road to damascus" moment yet?
The kids and I are moving forward in life. DH is welcome to join us at any time--I will never push him out of our lives completely. right now, I am trying to give him enough room to see what he is walking away from--four kids who adore him and a wife who loves him unconditionally.
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I admire your unhsakeable faith, but I think you need to separate that from outcomes, as M from Tenessee was explaining. And I agree with you, he needs to get to a point that he lets go of ow before he can consider coming home.
My faith can and does affect the outcome, as the Lord is faithful to his promises. There are a couple of success stories that popped up this weekend that prove that.
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So I still think you need to focus on creating "cognitive dissonance" in him (google it! GFI told me about it).. putting doubts in his mind. Do 180s, be funny, be his friend, dont guilt him or remind him about ow, dont mention her in fact and lastly.. have you got, or had a DB coach? I used Jody and she was amazingly helpful.
I have looked up cognitive dissonance and it does apply in my situation. I AM the better option and I think he feels the confusion. His actions have been odd the past few days. I cannot honestly afford a DB coach. I am working on saving for a session--at this rate, I might be able to get one in about a month.
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In astrological terms..your H is 35 like my bf and I assume he is having some major Pluto transit. Pluto transits are hellish..Pluto is Lord of the underworld and when a Pluto transit hits you, you are said to be dragged to the depths of hell. That might fit with yuor Christian beliefs neatly though!
But the only way out of hell is to keep walking. Pluto transits strip you bare of all the things you built up around you (money, possessions, family, partners and what you 'value') to your core, to make you face yourself. Only then you find out what you truly value and is of value. And Pluto transits take a LOOOOONG time to play at.. a few years at least (mine spanned 5).
xxx
I don't understand the Pluto transits and how that affects things. DH is 35, will be 36 in August. Maybe you could explain this a little more? How do you determine when a transit begins to affect your life and when it wanes?
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
okay, looks like I started a LONG debate a while ago. I don't plan on reading it all as I will probably start it all over again.
but, I do want to clarify myself. I think it was great that SMW had this discussion with H. I think it is great that she was able to stay calm and tell him what is going on with the kids. HOWEVER, (and btw smw, I did not hear all of that! so I was a little overwhelmed at how much there was) IMHO there was too much of it being drilled in. And, if she said exactly what was written, he is going to see it as her using the kids to bring him home. that is exactly how I read it. I know this wasn't her intention, that she just wants him to realize the truth of the matter, but this is how HE will take it. Of course, it looks like there were no major repercussions from it, and because this was a 180 for her, it seems like it has been a good thing. BUT, that's where I say, don't do it again. You do these types of things once, and no more, otherwise you go down that cheeseless tunnel again. But, I am not saying this for you smw, as I know that you won't, but saying it for others.
okay, I hope I don't start another discussion, but just wanted you guys to understand that I was not against her doing this, and she's doing a great job, and we know that it is only a matter of time and we will all be celebrating with her.
Crissy--
AS we talked about on phone--it was a one time thing. I also believe it occurred the way it did for a purpose. No, there have been no major repercussions from it. I don't think it was a cheeseless tunnel AT THT TIME. Going forward, though, it would be beating a dead horse. I am letting all of it marinate in his brain while I continue to be the new me and the kids and I live our lives.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
How are you doing? I hope things are going well for you.
S4H
S4H--
I am here and I am blessed. I will try to post an update while the boys are napping today. I had the past week off of school and I enjoyed it! New term starts today, so I am back to work.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Hey SMW, My ex is also 35 and 36 in August.. so have you put his chart into astro.com and had a look (its free)?? And does that mean your H is also a Leo and you are a Piscean, like us?
Saturn was going through Leo for 2 1/2 years (which triggered my ex's depression) but is now going through Virgo.. so either way, your H will have been hit by that. Also.. he is having the classic "mid life crisis" transit of Pluto square his Pluto then, so I was right about the Pluto effect! It will have been in effect for some time already. Be interesting to see if its aspecting his Moon or Venus (especially Venus as Pluto-Venus tranits are a sure fire indicator of affairs and "3 in the marriage" scenarios)
DH is a Virgo (Aug. 31). I do not know his time of birth and have been hesitant to ask his mother.
Well--I jsut talked to my ILs and asked what time Dh was born. It was 11:33pm. When I plugged it into astro and looked at compatibility, it is very good and I see a lot of traits of both us and our relationship described there. Perhaps you could offer more insight?
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
So, when last we heard from our intrepid heroine, she was off to D9's counseling appointment.
DH met us there. D9 went back, spoke to her C for a few minutes, then came out and got daddy. I started textng and praying, reading my bible for her to have the courage and strength to say what she needed to. They were back for an hour. After, C whispered to me that D9 did great and was very brave.
I had no idea what was said. D9 asked to ride home with DH and I said sure. They got to the house before me and I walk into D17 in tears and livid. Apparently, D9 had told her what happened at C. DH told D9, his favorite out of the kids, that he is not coming home. He did not tell her why, did not explain anything. D9 said he was crying when he told her. I will get the full story from C tomorrow when I go with D9--DH will not be there, he has duty. In the kitchen, while getting dinner together, I asked D9 how she felt about that. She oh so politely informed me that "Daddy thinks he is in control. He does not know God is in control." Man, I LOVE that kid!!
DH was here Thursday until almost 10. Friday, he met us at the church for Family Game night and was right on time. He stayed the whole time. He met some of my friends, exchanged hugs and greetings with our pastor, and was generally outgoing. We played games with D6 and S3. D9 was off playing Twister with her friends. DH had been intimating all week (to the kids) that he wanted to take the kids to his parents' house for the night and bring them back on Saturday. He never mentioned it to me and when the kids would bring it up, he would shush them about it. He danced around the subject at the last minute at game night, but never came right out and asked. At one point, he and I went outside for a cigarette and he asked what our (the kids and I) plans were for Saturday. I told him maybe kites at the beach. He said he was going to see his Mom and Dad. I mentioned that the kids wanted to go to the amusement park but we were going to go the following (this) Saturday. He said that sounded nice and he could come along to help with the kids and the kids would like that. I agreed that they would and we began planning to go to the park.
Interesting to note--when he was going to go out for a cigarette, he went into the kitchen and asked the ladies doing the concessions if they needed any trash taken out. Our youth pastor has known our kids since D17 was 10 and she is LIVID with DH for hurting the kids--but she was polite and civil to him. My other friends were warm and welcoming, as was pastor.
On the way home from the church Friday night, D9 asked if I remembered the song about prayers breaking strongholds. I said yes. She said that is what we have to do for Daddy. (Hey Greek, now D9 is praying scriptures to raise the "dead man"--I thought of your text when she talked about praying this way!!)
Saturday, I went to the mall with SIL before she went to ILs house. I sent a gift down from the kids and I for Mother's Day, and a card from them and one just from me.
My Mother's Day was nice. Pastor's sermon was AWESOME and afterwards, he suggested giving it to DH. I told him that I thought it would be better coming from him. If DH goes to the church picnic in two weeks, Pastor may do it then. DH had duty on Mother's Day. I have yet to even receive a Happy Mother's Day from him, much less a card or anything else. No, I am not surprised.
He was here Monday and Tuesday by 4-4:30 and stayed until almost 10 both nights. Today, even knowing we were going to church, he was here by 3:30 and stayed right up until we left for church--even helping load the kids in the car. Yesterday, he fixed the fence and mowed the yard. He has eaten dinner here. He has made me coffee, been pleasant, chatting with me when I deign to be in the same room with him. Not that i am avoiding him, just staying busy.
Another interesting note. He mentioned to me yesterday that he was fighting to get one of his guys leave during a leave standdown period. Apparently, he is divorced and needs to leave to see his kid--other wide he will not see him until Christmas. DH was really pushing for it for the guy, but I could tell the idea of someone only seeing their kids a couple weeks at a time twice a year bothered him. It was obvious from his body language and the way he talked about it.
Bible Study was unbelievable tonight and just what I needed to hear. Pastor taught on my favorite chapter in Luke--Luke 15. Tonight he focused on the Parable of the Lost Sheep. I cried at the end and pastor told me not to worry, God will bring our lost sheep home, too. Last night, I was crying out to God, asking him what I need to do, what does He want me to do, to guide my path. I fell asleep praying for DH. When my alarm went off this morning, the following was on the radio--
I was standing in the pour raining One dark November night Fighting off the bitter cold When she caught my eye Her face was torn and her eyes were filled And then to my surprise She pulled out a photograph And my heart just stopped inside She said He would have been three today I miss his smile, I miss his face What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always Our Savior never fails Even when all hope is gone God knows our pain and His promise remains He will be with you always
He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home His heart was barely keeping pace When I found him all alone Remembering the way he felt When his daddy said goodbye Fighting just to keep the tears And the anger locked inside He's barely holding on to faith But deliverance is on its way
'Cuz I believe always always Our Savior never fails Even when all hope is gone God knows our pain and His promise remains He will be with you always
Friend I don't know where you are And I don't know where you've been Maybe you're fighting for your life Or just about to throw the towel in But if you're crying out for mercy If there's no hope left at all If you've given everything you've got And you're still about to fall Well hold on, hold on, hold on
Cuz I believe always always Our Savior never fails Even when all faith is gone God knows our pain and His promise remains Always, Always He will be with you always He will be with you always He will be with you
Immediately after, the DJ started praying for all those who are struggling and questioning where God is to know that He is always with us and will not let us fall. That He walks our troubles with us and will lead us out of the storm at the right time.
All my morning devotionals tied into this same theme of waiting and listening and leaning on the Lord.
D17, D9, FIL, and I will be spending the day with DH on the ship on the 30th. I am looking forward to that! I love hanging out on the ship!
He is still planning on taking leave to go to my cousin's wedding in June. We will be sharing a hotel room with D6 and S3, the older girls will say in my mom's room. It is almost an 8 hour drive each way. The wedding will have an open bar and the reception is in the same hotel we are staying in. HHHMMMMMM Can I get him drunk and take advantage of him???? Can I pretend to be drunk and let him take advantage of me????
All I know I, for a man who is "done" he is here all the time, helping with everything he can, and making future plans. I wonder if the OW knows how much time he is spending here and the time we are spending together doing things with the kids. I know I would not be happy about it if my BF was spending time with another woman and her kids.
So that is it for now.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Just wanted to say hey and you and your fam are in my prayers! Thanks for sharing Mark 4 - I will remember it when I feel scared or uncertain. There are many passages in Ezekiel that are speaking to me loudly right now. It's so interesting what passages stand out to you at certain times. I also happened to turn to Malachi 2 tonight.....
Hope you have a great day tomorrow.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
Wow. I find it intersting how much time he is spending with y'all. God is definitely at work.... Stay strong in your trust & faith.
I am also at a point where God keeps telling me to wait, be still, and listen for his guidance. It isn't always easy but I'm learning and it's getting easier day by day.
Thanks for sharing that beautiful song. I've never heard it before! It brought a few tears :-).
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
