Separated, Served...still have FAITH!

[jaguilar]

Deflecting. That's what she is doing, deflecting. WTF! I'm so pissed. I've been keeping my cool and she pulls this on me. WTF!

[FitChik]

How's your day Jag? The roller coaster rides are great, huh?? :-) I find comfort knowing it happens to all of us, but it makes it no easier during the ride. How's your training going? That would be a great way to blow off some steam....

[FitChik]

Deflecting. That's what she is doing, deflecting. WTF! I'm so pissed. I've been keeping my cool and she pulls this on me. WTF!

My mom is a pro-deflecter. There is nothing more irritating.... It's difficult to get anything accomplished when they're in deflecting mode. I have to wait until my mom is in the right mood to have reasonable,worth while discussions some times.

I also get frustrated and pissed when I've been calm and my H's actions get me stirred up again. I get mad sometimes now when I cry b/c I'm so tired of being upset about my sitch....

[jaguilar]

I've been ok, just the other day she set me off. And I didn't get mad at her, just her tone and having to put up with it just pushed me over the edge. I need to do a better job of working on my self control.

I think she is testing the waters with me and wants to see if I'll go off on her.

Stupid game and a waste of time.

[Coach]

Jag, You asked for my playbook, I borrowed most of the plays from others just adapted them for me. Here's what worked for me at the time. I am still growing thru this process of becoming the best man I can.

This is all on the thread at the top of the page: Film Study-What Worked. That thread on there from Bowtech is full of great ideas.
Cheers

Trying to recap what worked for me in getting my W to return home. Lots of variables, personalities, history and my good looks all went into the reconciliation. I had a fairly "typical" WAW scenario - age, kids leaving home, career goals, frustration, communication problems, her issues, my issues, stress, kids and routine. I have been referred to as a "poster boy" for DBing, more like the poster boy for DAMA (Dumb A** Man Anonmyous) So what worked? My M hit the rocks a year ago in August, I did all the wrong things. My W left and filed for D in July. Crushed me hard. Fought it the whole way. She moved out and I was left with my house and the dog (don't forget the dog.)
A lot of this is blurry to me on some of the time line but here is how I coped.
Read this thread daily for weeks when I first got here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1097934&site_id=1#import
Lot of wisdom there.
Kept posting even when I wasn't getting responses. Used the thread to update, journal, vent and ask questions. If you want specific help, just ask.
I posted on others threads when I could. Read up on lot's of other peoples threads and find people you can relate to.
Read on WAW threads. Learned a lot from the female POV.
Learned to communicate better. (Still can't type.)
Did the DB principles: GAL, 180s, act as if, goals.
Stress relievers: playing the drums, walking/playing with the dog, exercise, venting, talking to people who gave me good advice
Found posters who gave good advice and searched out their sitchs and what they were posting now.
Read other boards- seperated, piecing, WAS
Bought some new clothes, cologne, cross necklace
Set drums up in living room.
Found old HS friends and started talking to them.
Made friends here. Helped me a lot.
Worked on myself. Worked on myself. Worked on myself.
Found myself.
Did fun things with my daughter - zoo, swimming in the river, museums
Read this and wrote it in my journal from istherehope - "the people who had success kept a PMA and saw the good in the situation."
Realised this was out of my control.
Reread the Stockdale Paradox and adopted it for the situation.
Wrote this in my journal on 08/26/08: Day of reflection and revelations. Not a new thought but it is for me. This crisis in my life is not what I want but it's what I have been dealt. It will be the defining moment of the middle of my life. So I have to play it the way a great man would. Be true to myself, love my kids, honor my marriage, continue to love my wife, take responsibiliy for me, be a warrior and honor the Creator.
I had a open mind. Lot's of great feedback here from different perspectives. Discern what will have potential for you.
Feel your emotions: I have cried more the past year than in my life. Balance the negative emotions with some humor.
Manage your energy. Diet, exercise, sleep, and PMA. Not easy but necessary.
Before you do something test it. Bounce the idea of your thread, will it help with your goal?
Watch your self-talk. Be your own friend and coach.
Love yourself - find out what that means.
Pray. First thing in the morning, slid out of bed on to my knees. During the day, before falling asleep, in church, at work and here.
I talked to people everywhere, smiled at them, said hi, made eye contact, tried to get their name. One I was hungry for human contact, two I thought maybe they were hurting as bad as I was and I could brighten their day a little.
Learned to listen better. Act like you are observing yourself from a across the room and see how your really interact.
Talk to the women here. Men and women don't communicate the same - figure it out and keep learning.
Don't be defensive.
Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient.
Know yourself.
Never give up.

[jaguilar]

Thanks Coach. I have been taking care of myself. Lots of running, bought new clothes, bought new cologne, volunteered at D8's school. It's nice to get a smile from the ladies, makes the ego feel pretty good. I have started lifting weights and what do you know...I'm growing some biceps. I'm feeling good about myself, it's been a long time since I had this feeling. I wish I could share this with my W but I know, take care of me and take care of the kids.

I've been doing projects around the house and she has noticed. Apparently, the kids have been telling her. The other day she came over and checked out the house and asked why. Again, my idiotic repsonse was why not. I told her that the house needed some changes.

She has been calling me more often in the past couple of weeks. But I don't want her to think I'm here just to run errands for herself. I have been going semi dark with her.

[K4D]

I like what you are doing Jag. You are really making the best of yourself and staying mentally healthy. I think you are doing a great job of DBing.

Any luck on new jobs? What kind are you looking for? I will keep an eye out for you.

Kevin

[jaguilar]

I don't feel like I'm doing anything special. I am going to read up on Coach's playbook and keep doing what I'm doing.

I have never been one to see something finished through, I always tried to rush it or move on to something else. This is the first time that I've actually tried to work hard for something and just be patient.

[jaguilar]

D10 is now D11 - WOOHOO

[jaguilar]

Went to D8's field day and W was there too. I had a great time, all the teachers and students were calling me by name. WHen they saw W all they said was hey stranger, long time no see.

Anyway, I was talking to teachers, parents and studetns. I ahd a blast, I noticed that W was either close to me or right next to me. I bought her lunch and we ate with D8's kids in the classroom. She called me babe at least 3 times. At first I was like, that sounds familiar. Then she yelled it out loud in front of other parents and kids. I turned around and then she said...oh I mean Joey. I chuckled. D8 had a great time. She is so fast and doesn't even know it.

We're having D11's b-day party tomorrow and W's best girlfriend will be there...uuggghh. We'll see how it goes. But I'm gonna fake it all the way...I'm gonna fake my smile so hard tomorrow that by Sunday I will look like the joker.