Well, I got out today and did a 3 hour hike. It was a gorgeous day and it felt awesome to just be out in the fresh air. It did make me feel better. To Do is definately better than to think!!
Other than that, it was still a hard day. I made the mistake of looking at the divorce papers today and that just was not a good idea. But it is reality. I will do my best to make my tomorrow a good day.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am just going to have to "fake" it for awhile, I think. I did come back today and was glad that I went out....even though I spent a lot of the time hiking, thinking about H and what happened and how I am going to get us to a place of some communication.
If you read my story you will see a commonality. My husband just decided to leave one day. He told me it was that I didn't find him interesting enough and that he felt like I was more like a mother to him than a wife. It took me a little over a month to find out that he had been in an EA since Dec. with my ex bestfriend. This person has never had a real boyfriend and is in fact a virgin. She has always looked up to and wanted to be me and now she has the ultimate. She has my husband. I don't say this other than to open your eyes to the possibility that there could be another woman and for you not to rule it out. You also need to decide if that is a rule breaker for you or not. Lots of things to think about. I will help however I can. Always post.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Thank you goingtofixME, I have been giving it alot of thought to the possibility of OW today. It is always a possibility. For now, since he denies it, I think I can only wait to see what he says to me. If it is not OW, then the only other thing I have been able to come up with is that he is having a MLC.....and so, unfortunately, if he doesn't have one now, he may in the very near future begin a EA. I am trying to come to grips with that eventuality.
I am going to ready your sitch now and will post again soon. Thank you. Thank You.
Just remember that the D papers are just that...papers.
It does sound like an MLC and along with that comes the idea of an A. It's just strange when a S gets up and leaves one day with no explanation.
When they do that, they usually have someone to fall back on.
During a MLC, the WAS will actually re-write your marital history in their brain so that you were a horrible W to begin with. Keep concentrating on yourself. You're doing great so far.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
there is also a list of suggestions by Sandi. Maybe someone can hook you up with that link. And look at Coaches in the newcomer section. think it is the second one from top.
Orchid,
This is the hardest part right now. Get some simple goals and keep track of them. Just like getting out of the house. It will get better as you gain back your control. There will be down days (especially if other infomation start to come to light) but each day you will get stronger. Read some of the posts for acvice.
Orchid, I think we're trying to open your eyes to the possibility of an EA/PA because it is rare that a WAS just picks up and leaves for no reason. I think most of us here who are living through our partner's affairs would have said pre-bomb that they would never be the type of person to do that. And do NOT believe his denials just because he says so: all cheaters lie.
I honestly hope this isn't the case for you. I just want you to be prepared. If there is any gut feeling, no matter how small, it's usually right. In my sitch, I had a feeling about OW in June. In November when I got the "I'm not happy" speech I asked xBF about the possibility of someone else. No, there's no one else. Within the month I had proof that there was indeed an EA with suspected OW that turned into PA and all the while he denied, denied, lied to my face.
That issue aside, I think it would do you a lot of good to really think about what you contributed to your current sitch. You said there were no signs. Really? I don't mean to blame you, I just think you need to search your soul and be honest with yourself. Did you just ignore those nagging feelings? Do you have any ideas about any behaviors that really bothered your H? Again, I offer this from personal experience. I knew something wasn't right but just assumed that it was a normal low point and that somehow it would just get better on its own.
One of the exercises that really helped me gain an understanding on things was to think about what attracted xBF to me in the first place. When we first got together, what was I like and what were the things that he commented on at that time that he appreciated? And then compare that to the person you are now. What's different? Everyone changes over time, but are the changes good and positive? Do you truly like the person you are right now?
For me, I didn't like the answers I came up with. I immediately understood why xBF would be unhappy and turn toward someone else to get what he was not getting from me. I do not accept all the blame for all of our problems, but I do accept responsibilities for my part. I am working on those things, slowly but surely, because I know that I will be a better and happier person.
Sorry, didn't intend to make this all about PH time, just trying to give you an example of what others are going through.
Please do find sandi2's list of things to do/not do. It's a great list of specific guidelines. Keep up the GAL activities. Remember, use this time to work on you. That way no matter what happens with your H, you will come out of this a better person.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Kenn, I used the link u gave and looked at the different reading suggestions. There is alot of things I would like to read. One of the things I want to do today is go to a Barnes & Noble and browse for these and whatever other information I can get my hands on.
Other than that, I will keep a PMA today. No dwelling. Just for today. Tomorrow, we will see...but, for today no dwelling on what has happened. I will just prepare myself for the worst.
Yes Pearlharbr, I am definately responsible for this situation getting to where it is today.
I know that I have had strong bad feelings that things were not right for about 3 months now and maybe hints of it even as far back as February. He stopped communicating with me about what was going on at work and I just kept letting it go. I just kept thinking he will figure it out...instead of stepping up and helping him. But, I did think it was an adjustment issue on his part and he was not taking enough time for himself. I thought he was having a MLC and he needed the space to figure things out.
I figured he would tire out and stop working .........not tire out and divorce me! I underestimated and missed a million opportunities to right this. I am sure of that.
I think what he liked in me to begin with is that I was fearless. If I decided to do something, I would go thru whatever lengths to get that goal accomplished. For the last year, I have been more dependent on him about my career and definately not as pro-active myself. He kept advising me and I just kept leaning more and more on him. He was already dealing with alot and then I added myself on. He is a caretaker and well, I let myself go......metaphorically speaking.
He asked me on several occasions to do things for him.....small things and I did not do them....just came up with one excuse after another.
So you are right and I am not, by any means, placing the blame on him. I know marriages are a 2 way deal and I know that I have slipped from who I was when I first met him.......because in a way it was easier. Not a very nice thing to admit to yourself.....but, the truth.
That is why within the first 3 days of him handing me the papers, I stopped all financial support that he was giving me and started just managing myself with whatever money I have. I have initiated conversations, but only for the purpose of paperwork or some business related issues. I have not spoken/texted/emailed him since Monday this week as all our business has been dealt with. I have not begged and pleaded. Its the best I can do right now. I know I have made mistakes, but I can only say that I would not do that again.
It is partly why this week has been so difficult. No contact whatsoever and its not looking like we are going to be connecting anytime soon. Its difficult bc he is not going to do anything right now. Its just a waiting game.
I have looked at sandi2's list of dos and don'ts and have printed them out so I can read them daily. Hopefully that will get me thru until June, when he comes to see me and we can talk to see if there is a chance. If he says there is not and signs the papers....I am basically out of luck.
Thank you for your thought provoking reply and I appreciate that you are taking the time to help me.
Yeah, the more I am reading about MLC, the more I think that is what it is. Unfortunately, I did not help matters. It seems as though, I almost enabled this situation with my dependent behavior. It is a depressing thought.
You are right, they are just papers........but reading them just solidified the reality last night. I think you are right though. If at this point I am to have any chance, I just have to see them as papers and hope for the best.
And try to improve that part of me that would be most helpful for both of us...in the long run. In a way, being as independent as possible helps me the most, in case he does not stick around........and if in that process he actually comes back to me....I guess that is just icing on the cake. I cannot control what he does or how he will see me or our situation.
Tomorrow, we I will just prepare myself for the worst.
So let me start right there with a little positive motivation from one of the most conflicted people I know.
What you are thinking is the "worst". You are going to come out of this without your husband?
Here is what I think... You are going to come out of this being a better person and happier about yourself. You are going to come out of this doing things that you most likely stopped and missed. You are going to come out of this stronger as a person. You are going to come out of this better prepared for your next relationship whether it be with your husband or someone else you find. That next person (very possibly your husband)is going to be better off when they find someone like you that has done the sole searching, read the help books and is committed to making a relationship work! You're going to come out of this with you pride and confidence that you did everything you could to make your marriage work. And I hope with your husband.
But that is far from the "worst"! It feels that way now and I (we) know that. That's why people stay on this site even after they have moved on or reconciled. Because they understand how hard this is and want to help others.
I shouldn't have to go into what the worst is... but one example is a friend that lost his wife, quit his job because he couldn't deal with it, lost his house and is now homeless trying to put his life back together using only strands of what he once had.
Stay positive! Easier said than done - I know. But look at where you know you will be inthe future and keep your focus there.... You will be happy, you will be with someone in a stronger realtionship, you will reach the goals you are setting for yourself, you will reconnect with old friends. Focus on these things that are a high probability and you have control over.
Everytime I see some other communication between my wife and her new interest it rips a part out of me. I have even seen communciations that even make jest of the my situation and where he shows concern for my daughter..after he stepped in an pursued my wife knowing she had a daughter. I now choose not to focus on that and it's hard... until I learned to focus on the bright spots that have been brought into my life since this ugly thing happened.
Who knows Orchid, you may reach a point where you look back and are curious about what you thought was the "worst".
I have met people in new realtionships that are so glad they are with this new person. I have friends that have reconciled and are so glad they did and are happier than they were before they had probomes. I have friends that are single afterwards and are completely at peace with themselves. Think about the options... You'll be one of these people and the common thread is they are all happy. It just took time and a struggle to get there. And you'll have friends along the way!
