I'm still here. Just following everyone else's story closely while biding my time.
I learned again the importance of not pursuing. I got the 'Stop putting so much pressure on me!!' ... even though we'd had no face-to-face, one phone call, and one e-mail exchange in like 3 weeks. Lesson learned. Doesn't seem like chasing or pressure to me. But it's pressure to her. Fine. Live and learn. Not to say I didn't feel terrible about this. But still. Live and learn.
My therapist had an interesting comment on this. I told her I thought this whole pursuit/running business was of course no basis to build a relationship, but was maybe a way to open a dialogue. She agreed, but gave me the perspective that this whole 'if you back off I'll chase back after you' made sense in high school, but after six years of loving marriage, I am right to expect more from her. Of course you don't always get what you want or expect or deserve and sometimes you have to roll with the punches and take the long view, but I should do myself the respect of remembering that I am the one being mature and honest.
That whole list I had of everything I've done wrong. Sure. It's all true. But there are two of us. I can't take the whole thing on myself. And yes, I should fix all of these things. But I have to remember to fix them for myself to make me a better person. It's interesting ... at times like this it matters so much how I think about the situation in addition to what I do about things. It's great if I go out and try new things and make new friends - all those things I've neglected. But it matters just as much what reason I have in my head for doing it. It's a new way of seeing things for me. Along those lines, I've discovered David Burns' books 'Feeling Good' and 'Intimate Connections'. Not really about these situations per se, but I've found them to be very useful in terms of the connections between thought and emotion and attitude. Highly recommended.
I continue to take everyone's advice to heart about GAL. My therapist is also pushing for this and holding me to it. Small steps. I am starting to see the long term path to becoming more alive and engaged, and I see also the little things I can do, one at a time. At a conference for work, I made a conscious effort to go out there and stick my hand in front of people I didn't know and say "Hi, I'm ..." Unbelievably hard for me. Weird - I can give talks in front of hundreds of people without breaking a sweat, but going up and meeting new people terrifies me. As my therapist said, "This is something new I haven't heard from you. I see a lot of territory we'll need to explore!"
I'm going camping and fishing this weekend. I love to do that. Always did it with the wife, but what the heck, I'll go do it with a good friend I rarely get to see. Can't be sad when your out in the fresh air on a beautiful lake spending time with a good childhood friend.
My therapist has also cornered me into not just running by myself (the easy way out for GAL!), but joining a running club. And not just joining, but actually ... gasp ... talking to the people and maybe even making some new friends!
I've got a wine tasting class I've always been interested in. Again, easy to sign up for and go, but I also need to force myself to turn to the people around me and talk to them!
As I said ... small steps.
Wife was just here to pick up some stuff. Talked a little. Just a dead-in-the-water conversation. No emotional content at all. Pointless exercise. I was able to not be angry or desperate, but I've achieved this by detaching too completely and having almost no engagement at all in the conversation. I haven't turned the corner to being able to be confident and polite and decent all at once. Small steps.
As always, thanks for your interest! Like all of us here, we soldier on best that we can.
