Husband did same thing. He was texting OW for hours while I was at work and while I was sleeping. Kids were lied to him by him telling them it was me. Kids would text me and I wouldn't answer them until the morning and thought that I loved my husband more than them because I would spend so many hours texting him. I never knew this was going on. Kids never said a word. I would ask my husband if the youngest had eaten, had a bath, or done her homework. His standard words were, "I don't know. I'm sure she did."
These are my kids though so it changes the dynamic some. He feels relieved that he isn't being a horrible father figure around them. He is embracing his life right now. Which is his right. All I have from him are broken promises and failed attempts at being a better person by him.
His OW is the recipient of a man who will not change and is content with being a failure. I deserve better than that. I will have better than that. The only way that will happen is if he has an epiphany and changes or I find someone who fits where my dreams are heading. Either way, I can only work on me.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
So true. I am similiar to him though in the broken promises of change department. I said I would change and meant it... time and time again. But this was my wake up call and I am wide awake.
The thing is.. I take 100% of the blame for the things that I needed to change about me and didn't when I had the chance. But I take 0% of the blame for all of the things that she didn't change and all of her broken promises. I also don't and won't accept that I pushed her into OM's arms... bed.. etc.. LOL. She had a choice... GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE... DIV.. and then do it.. or do it the way she did.. and thats what she choose. No different that me and the choices I made with my sexual addicitions. It's about choices... you make them and sometimes you have to pay the consequences. If my behavior cost me my marriage then I have to live with that. She has to live any future consequences of her infidelity.
I would like to retract a statement I made. I allowed them to go to concerts together for both of them. I did it so she could go have fun and noone else wanted to go with her and so he could have fun doing things that I couldn't do because of my health. I told him in December that I felt it was inappropriate for them to be texting and talking to each other. He then chose to continue doing so behind my back. I was trying to be a good wife and friend and in doing so got stabbed in the back. I did NOT push my husband into my ex bestfriend's arms. He made that choice himself.
I now choose to move on.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
From my blog in response to a previous post.I felt the need to revisit something I posted and deleted. This was a post that I wrote before I knew that my husband had been in an emotional affair with someone I considered to be my best friend. In looking back and rereading it, I had to look at it with eyes that knew the whole story and I wondered did I feel the same way knowing everything. I still feel the very same way. I have accepted my role in the demise of the relationship with my husband. He feels that I was not there for him when he needed me. He feels he has found that part of our relationship that was missing with someone else, but what about the parts that were not missing? I sincerely apologize. It was never my intention to hurt him, but I did. Would I give anything to go back and fix it? Honestly, I do not know. I have grown, changed, and learned so much from this experience. Would I be the person I am if I didn't experience it? I doubt it. I would however love to have never hurt him. Hurting someone you love is one of the worst feelings in the world, but letting your guard down and allowing someone in leads to pain sometimes. It's inevitable when you have two people with two different ideals about life and what the word love really means. I understand now that love is being able to accept the past, learn from it, and not continue to dwell on it. Sometimes it means letting someone go when every fiber of you wants to hold them close because they need you to. I no longer want to keep a scoreboard of hurt. Noone ever wins. I will live forever with the knowledge of what I did and feel remorse for it. I won't sit on the sidelines of life though and believe that I haven't or won't find my soulmate. He is out there. He could be from my past, my present, or my future. He will be the a man who steps up to the plate and is the very best him that he can be. He will try his hardest to honor his promises. He will not be resistant to change if the change is something that will benefit him. He will be my partner in life. He will be honest with me even when being honest with me might hurt because love sometimes has to hurt in order to grow. Love is a choice. It isn't some emotion that just happens willy nilly. It is something you choose and you cultivate it. Right now, I am working on being the best possible me I can be. I am shining. I am loving myself.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Alright Gucci! I'm waiting on your expertise here ;)! Anyone else??
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
The Wifey- Actually, I have witnessed that once the LBS says they are "done" something shifts and often that is what draws WAS in.
So, who knows?
While anything is possible - My W would be just the opposite. At this point if I said that I was done, she would be ecstatic, and would have papers finalized asap. At the same time that I am not giving up hope, she just keeps telling me to forget it that we are going to get a D.
The best thing is not to SAY anything. Just GAL and act like you are going on. Believe me I know how hard it is. I was as soggy as could be for a long time. Now, I have him looking very puzzled and he is hanging around - a lot more than he did for a long time after the bomb.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
You seem like you are really doing well. What is the specific issue you are having right now? You know that you need to GAL, take care of yourself and appreciate what you have...
Is there something that you are not revealing that is happening under the surface, because you present a picture of enlightenment? There are some clues in your post but I don't want to project.
Absolutely nothing to reveal AK. Have not had any contact what so ever. Haven't seen him since the blowup. *shrugs* I guess I just want someone to tell me that it isn't hopeless. I have no other choice than to GAL, take care of me, and appreciate what I have.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Hi there. You had asked me to stop by your thread right before my computer went down and I am just now getting back on line and hopping over here. Did not want you to think I was ignoring you, but have been having a lot of computer problems. Anyway, I did some scanning over your story and it immediately reminded me of a couple I knew. She was exactly ten years older than him and was divorced with three children. He was not even out of high school when she started dating him. When they married, her oldest child was in about the fifth grade and her H was about 19. Her personality was what I call the strong "bossy" type and since she was used to bossing her children around, it came quite natural for her to boss him around too. I doubt their M would have lasted except he was such a great person with a very easy going personality and he loved her three children. He never had any of his own b/c I think she had her tubes tied even before they M and I'm sure she didn't want any more children.....but I won't swear to it b/c I never heard her say it.
I don't know if you are the strong personality type or not, but I think it would be very hard for a woman who already has a family and used to taking charge and seeing that things get done (as mothers have to do with a family) that it would be difficult not to fall into a "trap" of mothering a younger man she M. Heck, you don't even have to be older that him to fall into a trap of mothering!
Anyway, the couple I knew would have not made it if it had not been for the man b/c the woman was even unfaithful to him and yet he forgave her and was a terrific step-dad to her children and a grandfather to her grandchildren. In their case, I have to take my hat off to him for his maturity and weathering the storm with her.
I remember the fist several years that she tried to look as young as he did, which must have been very hard b/c he had kind of a baby face as it was! BTW, the OM she had an affair with....was M and he was older than her. Interesting!
I guess I am just saying all that to say that we can't always base our R on what other people's have been, but at the same time we may learn from them. When I read your story, you kind of reminded me of the exact age difference and same amount of children when you M this younger man. However, your H certainly does not remind me of the person I knew personally. I don't know that I can give you any better advice than what you have already received. I don't mean to be discouraging, but to be completely honest with you, I think you will have to step away from him and allow him time to grow up. This R he has with your ex-friend may blow over in time and he may decide he stills loves you and your children. However, I would think he was probably over-whelmed at suddenly becoming a husband and a father of three over night. If you took care of "everything" that required a lot of responsibility and was a "fixer" also.....then where did his part fall in? I can only imagine how challenging it would be for a woman to allow a young man to take the lead (b/c we do have to allow the man to do that...) and also allow him to be a father figure to your children....which includes discipline. How did you handle that? Maybe you said and I missed it. I would think that if you were used to being the one that had the say-so over the kids (and I'm sure you were) then it could have been easy to over-ride whatever he might say to them. Did that ever happen? BTW, how long were you D from the father of your children or did he pass away? I missed that part also. I apologize for not reading everying....but was trying to catch up quickly.
This was my perspective about your H and him not wanting the responsibility of raising a family. I think he felt he could not handle it. Tell me more about your ex-friend. Has she been M and does she have children? If she does, then how many? If it is at least two, then I would think that would still be a scary situation to him and that he would not want to repeat getting M and back in the same stitch. Again, I apologize for asking what you probably have already told. You can just give me a short version.....
Even if I can't give you any better advice, do know that we are here to encourage one another and we'll do the best we can to help you through this difficult time. I agree with those that have said that the best way to deal with the stitch is to stay away from him completely. Allow him time to miss you and to grow up. It is very hard and takes a strong person.....but if you are what I think you are, I bet you have what it takes. You've lost 40+ pounds and you are raising three kids. That alone takes a lot of strength. The one thing you have to realize is that this is something that "you" cannot fix. Where your challenge will be is leaving him alone and not trying to fix this broken R and just back off and let time do the work.
Continue doing this great self improvement that you have accomplished! That has to be good for your self esteem when you look in the mirror......even if you are discouraged in other areas. I hope you won't give up on working toward looking great every day. I liked reading that about you. That takes discipline! It tells me that you can do whatever you set your mind to do. Am I right?
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Interesting story. I do have a very strong and bossy attitude. It did not come out until he repeatedly failed to keep promises and would forget things. He would conveniently remember all sorts of things that other people needed him to do that he liked to do or he thought he would like to do until he had to do them and then he was home complaining to us about them, but still putting those things in front of the job/role he had in the house. I worked the full time job and he was to be the househusband. Which was great for him in that he ended up rarely doing anything or halfway doing it.
I really don't think going any farther into my situation is going to change the realization of what it is I need to do. I can no longer be a mother to this man. I didn't want the job to begin with and I refuse to do it any further. I have to let him go because a relationship with him is not good for me nor is it good for him. I doubt seriously that me leaving will cause any changes to be made in him and for me to even contemplate a relationship with him would require years of therapy, trust rebuilding, him working and being responsible, and the realization is that he will never be grown up enough to accept that. I will be filing and moving on with my life because it is the only sane thing to do. Letting him back in now would be damaging to my children and I refuse to hurt them any more. Is it possible that with time he will change? I can't say never, but I can say that he has tried to change for so long and hasn't been successful. He refuses to seek therapy and treat his depression. Until he himself can admit his faults in his relationships he will never grow up. I wish him happiness, but I can't wait around on a hope.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
