d-day coming soon - help !

[WCW]

Hi misshim. I love to talk farmy and ranchy and beefy.

What I get from reading your posts (also your Newcomer thread)-
You can be pretty set in attaining your goals such as having your own place, taking care of things without your H, losing 80 pounds, managing without him.
Your H is very insecure about himself and his role in your life.

Do you know about the 5 Love Languages? It might be a good read for you.

If you want to give your H a card then give him one. Try humor though and not mushy stuff. Don't hand it to him, don't put him on the spot about it. Mail it, drop it in his car.

[misshim]

When you said drop card in his vehicle that made me think of the other day I put his sweatshirt in his van (2seat cargo van) and I noticed his divorce papers still scattered between the 2 seats. I used to tell him that he needed to clean out his van, but this time I never said a word. Maybe he'll lose the papers. (ha-ha) H is doing divorce himself. (pro-se)

The first week of March he actually asked me to help him fill out his divorce paperwork. He said that way we both match !! I looked at his papers so I could get a heads up on which way he was headng with divorce and then I told him that no I'm sorry but he was capable of doing his own paperwork since he wants this divorce.

I still have hope that we can get turned around before the final D-day. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare

[peacetoday]

M
Yes I know what you mean
just continue to take care of your slef
these guys are very unsure about D
some file and never pursue it
Mine filed and never responded until the courts pushed it along
I guess the courts are even aware of how ambivilant people are
about D
peace

[forward]

Hi, You sound as if you are doing as well as you can. Things have happened quickly for you, which is harder.

Try not to listen about him not wanting D. My H said that; I think actually he was scared to death, you know?

[misshim]

Well I'm not quite sure what to do now? Yesterday (may 12) I had to go to my parent education class (4 hours) mandatory for the divorce. H was sitting on otherside of the room (30 people there)
The class was so interesting, the counselor even talked about our past childhood memories and how it effects our relationships today. I could tell my H got very uncomfortable with that.

During our marriage, I always knew he had childhood issues but never wanted to talk to me about them. I think that was part of his depression. But I always pushed him to talk to me about them. I pushed him right out the door !!!!

I had asked him what he was going to do after the meeting and he said he had to go to the courthouse to finish filing his papers for the divorce.

I cried almost all night after my D-4 went to bed. My H texted me earlier and asked if he could come over to put her to bed or did I want to be alone. I told him she will be fine, I want to be alone. He texted back, I can respect that. ARGH !!! Darn right he will respect that.

Do I get back reading and doing my 180's and let him come play with her and help put her to bed or do I tell him no ! My problem I like him there (even when he stays after she goes to bed) but it is killing me to know the divorce is end of June.

What should I do !!! I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack !!

[Fixer]

Hi Misshim,

I would like to comment about your stitch, but I'm not very good with words.

One thing going for you is your H is still religious. Another thing is he enjoys mowing that huge area.

With religion he knows the different between right and wrong. I think he's trying to cope with what he's done. I think you need to respect that and give him as much space as possible. I also think you should put up as much resistance as you can when it comes ot the divorce. Since I haven't been served I can't help you there. You may want to ask others some stalling techniques.

When he mows the lawn I believe he's thinking. Replaying every event in his life which led to where he is now. All you can do is enjoy life and show him you've changed. Don't point out any changes to him or he'll think they're fake. While he's mowing the lawn get him a cold drink to quench his thirst. Act like he's doing you a big favor and nothing is bothering you. If he brings up the D try to change the subject but don't be too obvious. End most of the conversatons before he can and don't be rude about.

I hope this helps,

fixer

[Grace_O]

Hey Misshim,

I haven't been served yet so I cannot offer anything to you with regards to that.

I like that you were ablet to look out for yourself and tell him you wanted to be alone. Smart IMO given how you were feeling. I think Fixer offered some good points. I would add that as much as you can do physical things. Walking, exercise, anything! It will help you to get rid of some of that panic feeling and allow your head to clear (maybe only just a little) so you can think.

You and your D4 are in my thoughts sweetie.

BEAR HUGS

[misshim]

Fixer said to maybe try some stalling techniques for the divorce but I don't know how to stall anything?? Also he used to be very religious but is lost. Pastor saw H last weekend at H paren't house for a fish fry. Pastor told H he would like to sit and talk with him soon. (pastor has already tried this H cancelled every meeting), well my H just nodded his head to the pastor. I'm sure he won't go. My H used to tell me how much he liked the Pastor and now the other day he told me, I don't care for him. H doesn't care for him because our Pastor doesn't play, he is very straight forwarded (H hates confrontation)

My H just acts like nothing is wrong? I don't bring up any R talks and I try to go with the flow. H texted me yesterday and wanted to come over & bring supper & he wanted to put our daughter to bed. I agreed (even though I hurt, I miss him so much) The 3 of us kneeled by D-4 bed and prayed her bedtime prayer.

He stayed after her bed and watched TV (hunting channel) but then he gave me the remote and said here, you can watch whatever you would like. I thought he was going to leave but he stretched out on couch instead.

Thunderstorm rolled in before 9pm and D-4 Freaked out. Came running out into living room. I tried to put her back to bed and reassure her but too afraid. H came into her bedroom and laid in her bed with her and talked to her & rubbed her back. I went into living room and listened to them on the monitor. I felt like i was being nosey but didn't care. He was so kind to her telling her that - Daddy's here and it'll be ok.

When is he going to wake up??? When the divorce goes thru he will no longer be by her bed to sooth her or take her riding on the lawn mower or take her to pet our cows. WHY ????

In the beginning of all of this crazy mess I felt sorry hurt, alone, betrayed. Now I feel only sorrow for him. It's almost like he wants to be with us (d-to bed & stays w/me for tv) but yet he still won't give up the impending divorce for 6-29.

I feel like I'm going around in circles and on a roller coaster ride as well. I'm about ready to puke (sorry, trying to find humor)

Thanks to all of you for the suggestions so far, it's so nice to talk

[misshim]

Thursday was my day to get d-4 from daycare. B4 I left work my H texted me that he would like to come over to see D-4. (he just saw her the day before) I said ok, he also told me he had the new lawn mower blades for me and he would come over to put on. I thanked him. He got to the house and put on and mowed the lawn for me which is a 2 hour job. D-4 and I played hide & seek w/him and he was mowing & laughing. (wow !!)

After mowing, he wanted to take a shower at the house. He was singing in the shower (silly songs to my daughter) we were all laughing. D-4 asked H if he was going to spend the night with mommy and would he be here when she woke up. He said yes. I knew he wasn't because he was going out with friends.

After D-4 went to bed, he ate some leftover chicken. We really talked. He talked about work and I only agreed with the aha's and umm's. He told me that one of his friends (the one he was going to the bar with) was going to file for D on his wife soon. My H told me she didn't pay house payments or car payments and husband found out. I only said I hate to see them go thru a divorce, maybe they will find a way to work it out. Then I said at least I made sure that all our bills were paid and our credit rating stayed good. He agreed and said I did a good job with that.

He has been losing weight and he always makes note of it. He had some new pants on and he said, are these too tight?? and do I look ok. Oh boy, I bit my tongue and told him. You look great and that you should be very proud of the accomplishment that you made by losing all that weight. I told him, I know how hard it is to do but when it's done a person feels alot better. He was just smiling at me.

He had to leave (his friend was waiting)and then it happened and I almost fell over. I walked him to the door and told him again thanks for mowing lawn and changing blades. He gave me a kiss on the lips and a huge hug. Oh my, I hung onto him and again thanked him for everything, and kissed him on the cheek. He told me to have a good night and he'd text me friday. I told him to have a good time.

I felt so good when he left, I thanked the Lord for the opportunity that he gave my husband & myself. If even for a moment, it was a huge step on both our parts !!! I remember one time he told me that he doesn't kiss on the lips anymore to anyone !!

Please any feedback !! I know I need to stay calm and not get to excited over this but I have to admit my heart is fluttering once again

[misshim]

Friday 15 - I just got back to work from meeting with my pastor. I'm so confused. He says I SHOULD NOT allow my H over whenever he wants. Don't let him mow the lawn (even because he wants to) don't let him put D-4 to bed, and don't let him "hang" out there. My H doesn't sleep at the house (he stays at his parents) I am enabling him to come and go when he wants to when he needs a wake up call that if he continues with the D that he will be losing out on this.

Pastor says I need to do this now, don't wait. My thoughts were to let him there when he wanted to and let him put D-4 to bed because he likes that so much. I thought by me doing this that he might change his mind on the D. Like Pastor said, he needs a wake up call so I need to cut him off to let him think. I almost feel like he's telling me to go "dark". My H and I have made progress and I'm afraid of "cutting" him off.

Please give me any suggestions !!!!!!!