The adventure continues--the saga

[AFWAW]

Ok, you're right, I'm angry and when I get that way I want action and immediate feedback. I'm a controller and am used to pilots responding immediately to my direction. Lawyer is scheduled for next Thursday--I'll wait. I won't call and if she calls, I'll won't bring up the divorce, she can. I'll just listen. Maybe I gave her something to think about last night.

I've got plenty of evidence right now. I'm wondering, if she goes contested then I think it would be wise to expose before I file as this will show her instability as a mother to the court about where her priorities are. Thoughts on this?

I have my daughter this weekend. We are going swimming and to see the new Star Trek movie--she wants to see this.

You're right, there is no rush--hell, I can handle this. Thanks Hoop!

[AFWAW]

You sound like you're going to lay out an ultimatum tonight. "Agree to come home or else I'll serve you AND expose."

No, I won't tell her about exposure but I will say it's time to file probably.

And then she'll agree to come home out of panic.

Yeah, ok, I don't believe that and neither do you.

Stealthy, swift, deliberate. Be smart about this and stop thinking that you can force her home.

Not trying to force, trying to leave a door open(at this point it's a very small door--dogie door, maybe?)

[LG nm12]

Ignore my last post. Hooper got you to the "better place" I was hoping for.

Not even a doggie door should be left ajar... as metaphorically fitting it is!



Lucky

[AFWAW]

Ok, this is about to get REALLY interesting. Got a call from the wife a couple of hours ago. She said, did you call my parents? I said, no, why?(they actually called me so I didn't lie) She said they called me today and my mom told me to go home and not give up my child for another man and my dad told me to tell the truth no matter what happens. Ok, in-laws are cut off. MIL asked me last night what would happen if wife got caught--must have scared her. Wife called about 10 times after I spoke w/ her 4-5 times on my cell and left messages all over my unit. My guess is she's freaking out. So, I intend to let her freak out. I will go get my daughter from school and we will go out to eat and maybe see a movie. I will leave my cell off and let the wife sweat a little tonight. I'm sensing desperation at this point and if I was in her shoes I would be sweating buckets at this point. Now, if she decides she wants to come back I will always wonder whereas before I would not had such a hard time about it.

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Steady and don't think anything of this...do not believe a single thing she tells you. Actions speak louder than words. Always remember that your in-laws will side with your W when it comes down to the wire...but, if you can use them then do so. I thought they already knew what was going on...part of your exposure plan is to notify anyone who will influence your wifes actions...your job is not to make this easier for her. Again, do not worry about her getting angry, your marriage will survive her anger not the affair. She has to realize that this affair is just a fantasy that has nothing to do with real life...all they know is going out to eat, parties, social events, etc...they do not have the stress of bills, work, sick kids, deployments, house repairs, etc.

Great idea on having fun with your daughter tonight...now just go do it. If she calls on your daughters cell and ask to talk to you do so...and tell her calmly to stop putting your daughter in the middle...when she is ready to talk marriage you are ready and if she wants to talk divorce you will have the lawyer contact her.

No more playing games and letting her yank your chain, Stay calm and professional, loving to your daughter, and take care of yourself. Maintain your holding pattern for now. You might as well chuckle and enjoy the weekend.

Nothing has changed...let her freak out

V/R

[AFWAW]

Hoop,
I don't know why but I'm nervous as crap. I'm going to make myself scarce. She's not going to play any more games with me. I don't think she will call and ask to come but if she does--wait she's calling now on the home phone and now the cell phone--WOW--I must have really got to her. If I do talk with her tonight which I doubt maybe I'll steal a line from Gucci and say I'm not sure how I feel right now. Hmmmmm, why am I so nervous--is this because I've never been in control before?

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
This is a cycle that you will go through multiple times. If she wants to come home and I was you I would let her with several conditions (and I would only do this because of your daughter, I know it hurts you but reality is you will get over this and with your experience you have gained I guarantee you you will find a better wife later but your daughter only has one mother and unfortunately right now she is not going to win any awards) and for the record she will do the same thing again. I would not be surprised if she has dinner plans with OM tonight.

Conditions for return...immediate, and I mean immediate, no contact with any of the four OM, you are to be given the names, and if she works with them she is to go ask to be moved somewhere else, mandatory counseling both joint and individual. Transparancy in anything you need to feel comfortable such as email passwords, cell phone records, letting you know where she is at and what time she will return, post-nup to settle issues that would come up in the divorce (put the same limitations on yourself if she balks - ie, if you have an affair and move to an apartment and shack up with 4 women she gets custody and the house) This is to get you thinking and if/when you decide to get back together we can ask for advice on this board.

Again, calm down...she is not going to be begging to come home right now unless it is to benefit her affair. She has already told you she will not stop seeing him and could not even tell you she would not try and find someone else in Oct. The only thing you have control of right now is yourself...if she were to want to go see the chaplin and confess and ask for forgiveness I might start to believe her...just stay calm and observe. No matter what happens keep your appointment with the lawyer.

Take care,

V/R

[AFWAW]

Pretty good stuff. While we were out she shut off my cell phone--it was in her name and she is paying for it anyway. I just smiled because I can get my own cell phone. There were 4 messages from her on the answering machine. She said I need to have a serious talk w/ you John on one to I'm getting worried about you guys, can I at least talk to D? Please call. So, I'll encourage D to call if she wants. I will go for a walk. And yes, I'm still nervous as hell, adrenaline is pumping hard! She did this and I did nothing wrong--nothing!

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Stay calm. Tell her nothing about your plans. Do not get in an argument with her...do not withhold her daughter from her(you did not do the court order so it will not look good to the courts if you prevent her from talking/seeing her daughter)...doesn't mean you have to kiss butt though...do not even mention the cell phone, get another (Wal Mart Trac phone for now) make sure your daughter can always contact you and let your wife try to find the number to contact you...if her serious talk is on how you two can fix this marriage arrange to talk to her with the chaplin if it is more about the divorce tell her that you need to talk to your lawyer as you are the only one working on securing your daughters future right now. Enjoy the walk, chuckle, and stay calm for now.

Wonder why she is so worried today after being gone for months? Is it time for her to start telling everyone how abusive you are, controlling, sucidial, etc...don't let them see you sweat! Right now is the time to back-off and think.

V/R

PS Make sure you take notes. Her turning off the phone was another mistake she has made...do not rile her up...laet her do this herself...remember, handwritten journals are best for court...not as easy to fake as digital.

[goingtofixME]

See, I have often wondered if I should call my husband's mom and dad and let them know what he has been up to. His dad was upset about him just up and leaving me. He had told his dad that we still loved each other, but that we just didn't get along. When I blew up at him and the OW, I mentioned him telling his dad about this and he said tell him about what? I said the EA that you have been having for months now. He still in his mind thinks that it was okay to text this woman for hours behind my back and that they were just friends. Her parents would literally [censored] if they knew that she was breaking up a marriage. They don't have to hide here in the town we live in, but I know she for damn sure doesn't tell her parents where she is spending time. I'm sure that they are probably being told that she is out hanging with me. She's used me as a lie before. I am dark now after freaking out on them on two occasions in the same night. It was pointed out to me that my husband probably thought I had been stalking him, but the reality is that it was divine intervention that drove me past that gym that night letting me see them sneaking in. Otherwise, I would probably still be friends with the OW telling her all my secrets and her running to my husband and them powwowing about me. This whole situation just makes me physically sick. I still wonder if I should out them to the people who could hurt them the worst. It isn't like they were thinking of my feelings.