Hmmm... It does sound like she is still hanging onto the fantasy rather than seeing you and the M for what it is and having faith that she can have what she wants.
I also think that she is staying faithful to the OM, even if she isn't involved with him anymore, and that is why she isn't ML with you or why your sexually charged compliments don't feel right. She has internally rejected you as *her* man.
You are doing all the right things with GALing and working on yourself. Passionate Marriage should help too.
Could be she feels she loses everyone she is close to. Makes sense to close yourself off and be the one to keep the hurt from happening. *shrugs*
It could be. I guess we are all mind-reading.
If I really had to guess and hang my hat on something, I think it is a MLC. My W is a feeler, a dreamer and an idealist. She follows her emotions and hates to analyze anything. I think she is nearing 40, watching her parents pass away, and facing her own mortality. Her mom and 2 sisters have had breast cancer, and my W has tested positive for the "breast cancer gene". This gives her (statistically) a 70% chance of contracting breast cancer as well.
I know she loves her kids, cares for me, and is comfortable in her life here and now, but in her dreams she wants to LIVE - passionate loves, a fun life, great adventures, big accomplishments, wild sex. She is convinced that she can't have that while M to me. Further mind reading says she sees being M to me as dooming her to the life / M her parents had.
I think her EA was an attempt to look for part of it.
Last edited by Thinker; 05/13/0904:13 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yep - Tough not to fall into mind reading, of course. You make a good point about a possible MLC triggered by the deaths/illness around her. I do feel for her.
On another note, the fact that she wants a "passionate, big, fun life" gives me much hope that she'll come around and realize that she can have all of this right where she sits!
Your GAL efforts will help to show her a fresh and exciting side of you. Hopefully it is all intriguing to her.
A month or so I approached the idea of Retrouvaille - told her about it and asked if would be willing to go. She is religious (brought up Catholic, goes to church) but her answer was as follows:
"No, this is sponsored by the church, and I know that the goal will be to save the M at all costs. I am not going to go to any sort of counseling or retreats where the goal is to convince me to stay married."
So here she is, sitting firmly on the fence. She is not making any moves to leave, and is slowly making small steps toward me, but refuses to be emotionally intimate and running from any steps toward reconciliation.
Last edited by Thinker; 05/13/0904:29 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You make a good point about a possible MLC triggered by the deaths/illness around her. I feel for her.
I really feel for her to. I really do!
Quote:
On another note, the fact that she wants a "passionate, big, fun life" gives me much hope that she'll come around and realize that she can have all of this right where she sits!
Your GAL efforts will help to show her a fresh and exciting side of you. Hopefully it is all intriguing to her.
I hope so too. Right now she has appeared more confused and annoyed by it all - "I don't understand why you are suddenly so fanatic about these things" etc. She has not shown a real interest in finding ways to do these things together.
On a positive note: we went to see "Wolverine" together last night. She liked that - but then she has always had a thing for Hugh
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I have been following your sitch ..your wife is just like mine...does not talk, avoids conflict etc..... I was blown away when I read that your wife initiated ML....man that’s a big step in the right direction. I don’t know what I would do if my wife did that....
She has to go through her journey for whatever reason. I know you already know this. I'd just like to state that I agree with your approach and with how you've handled everything.
Hmmm... It does sound like she is still hanging onto the fantasy rather than seeing you and the M for what it is and having faith that she can have what she wants.
I also think that she is staying faithful to the OM, even if she isn't involved with him anymore, and that is why she isn't ML with you or why your sexually charged compliments don't feel right. She has internally rejected you as *her* man.
I buy this.
Not much I can do but GAL and self improvement (for myself)...
...and be patient
...and not drive myself crazy
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
A month or so I approached the idea of Retrouvaille - told her about it and asked if would be willing to go. She is religious (brought up Catholic, goes to church) but her answer was as follows:
"No, this is sponsored by the church, and I know that the goal will be to save the M at all costs. I am not going to go to any sort of counseling or retreats where the goal is to convince me to stay married."
That is not the goal of Retro. How does she "know" this?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
