Well, I'm fairly certain I have an ulcer but self-diagnosis is a tricky thing. Can't see a doctor but throwing up blood can't be a good sign, right? I'm looking into some natural remedies and eating Tums like candy.
BBJ, Marc failed his black belt test for the second time. He couldn't pass the 10 minute drill (100 push ups, 100 sit ups and 500 balance kicks in under 10 minutes). He did it in 10:35. He was bummed, but not enough to get his butt in gear working on it for the next attempt in 6 months. He just doesn't care enough about anything to put any effort into it. He pretty much has my attitude about things (sadly) - why try? When you work hard you fail anyway so give up now so there isn't more dissappointment later. Yeah - sucky attitude, huh? I don't voice these things to him at all, he just comes by it naturally. Yuck! All the positive talk in the world hasn't overcome it with him or me so I think we're just stuck.
Along the same lines......Marc failed his CRCT testing by 5 points. He has always tested off the charts on these standardized tests but he did horribly in the math section this year. Because he failed he has to take summer school just for the testing and take the tests again during the summer. If he passes then typically he would be advanced to the next grade. However, he is still failing 3 of his classes and there are only 2.5 weeks of school left. Not enough time to correct those. He'll be repeating 8th grade anyway. Oh joy. I have no idea how I'm going to get him to/from summer school without getting fired. I swear, everything in the universe has conspired against me.
On the Gabe front...........I braved it tonight while texting him about Marc's test scores and asked him if he had decided exactly when he was going back to California. He said he can't go and leave Marc. Hmmm....so apparently the broom has taken his sorry butt back. I just said I was glad that he would be able to stay here for Marc and apparently he was able to work things out there. He said, "I guess, for now." Yeah, sounds like true love to me! Whatever. He's living in his own crud.
So, I'm trying my best to not dive into the dark hole again. I feel my feet teetering on the edge of it but I'm flailing my arms wildly to stay upright. I feel like all the lifelines I had are dissentigrating. There really is no way to explain it, just that it feels like one strand of dental floss is all that is holding me up and it is rapidly fraying. Make sense? If it does, care to join me in tandem straight jackets? Stress and depression together make for an interesting mix of dreams, that's for certain. One hour I dream of running in dark forests, over mossy ground crying out for someone, no name comes to mind, just anyone. The next hour I'm having a nice dream that some wonderful man is nibbling on my ear and then he turns into this horrific jerk and starts beating me. WTF is wrong with me? My brain is jerking me around terribly.
So, be glad you all aren't in my head. I wish I weren't!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oh Mishka, I am so sorry on all counts. Is the reason you can't see a DR financial? do you not have some free place you could go,coughing up blood is not a good thing and could mean any number of things.
I wish I had something of value to say. Things must improve soon.
Yes, it's financial naej. There are free clinics but you still have to fill out financial info and as soon as I fill it out they say they have to bill me. They don't care that the monthly outgo is MUCH higher than the income. All they look at is income and mine is too high to qualify for even the 'free clinic'. They're only free to some, not all. The blood has stopped. I think I got it somewhat under control. It still hurts terribly but getting better.
Originally Posted By: naej
Things must improve soon.
Oh heavens.....never say that. It seems that if I even think it that is exactly when it gets much worse.
I sit here at my desk with piles of work around me but I can't even begin to sort it into something manageable. Just can't concentrate. I'd rather just be curled up in my bed where I don't have to see anyone or act personable.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
On the Gabe front...........I braved it tonight while texting him about Marc's test scores and asked him if he had decided exactly when he was going back to California. He said he can't go and leave Marc. Hmmm....so apparently the broom has taken his sorry butt back. I just said I was glad that he would be able to stay here for Marc and apparently he was able to work things out there. He said, "I guess, for now." Yeah, sounds like true love to me! Whatever. He's living in his own crud.
Game, Set, Match...Gabbo was looking for a soft place was he..Glad the broom took him back..GET some more of that Gabe.. His life is wonderful for sure..he makes great choices..
See a Dr when you can...what is happening to you is not good.
I know it's not good. None of it is good. I just keep wondering WTF I did to deserve all of this misery. Then I give myself a good smack and decide it's just the way it is...roll with it.
Yeah, Gabe sure makes great choices. He was looking for sympathy that's for sure. He didn't get sympathy from me, but he did get compassion. I'm glad I was able to hold myself to that standard and not cave in to my old reactions to him. Yea me!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You really need to see a doctor. Damn it!!! I wish I win the lottery and WHEN I do you are coming over for a month to relax and be taken care of... xxx K
Definitely Yay for you- I think it's amazing that in the midst of everything else that's going on you were still able to be compassionate towards Gabe. Very inspirational.
Look after yourself- let me know if the bleeding comes back.... I definitely don't like the sound of that.
Hey Mish, I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time...
Can you try and get a little more help from somewhere? Can you ask your Mum for the money for a doctor visit?? I know you didnt want to.. but can you ask your Mum to give you more money each month out of her allowance, seeing as she lives with you? Even if its just a temporary thing for a couple of months until you get straight again?
And as for Marc.. can you ask Gabe to take him to summer school (demand he helps out more there, seeing as he doesnt want to move because of his son?). What about your community? You are involved with the Church, can you post a notice asking if anyone is driving that way in the mornings who can drop him off or something?? Or are there any Mums at the school you could contact and ask them for any help? You can pay these people back when you are stronger...
You cant be superwoman and the ulcer, or whatever it is is your bpdies way of telling you that. I dont care if Gabe is with the broom/out of work/poorer/busier than you are.. get him round for a pow wow, tell him you have been sick and NEED HIM TO HELP YOU AND MARC MORE! With his time and money I mean.
Hugs to you Mish..I swear these challenging stars you are under WILL lift and it will get better... but the wheels are turning still so you gotta hang in there for now.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I found a solution for the summer school ride issue. One of the sessions starts at 8am so I am signing him up for that one because I can drop him there on my way to work (I pass right by the school) and then my boss' husband is going to pick him up and take him home for me. The truly stupid thing is that they won't allow him to ride his bike. They are only 2 miles from our house and it's an easy ride but there is some liability issue with summer school. How dumb is that?
My mom has been picking up grocery slack the last couple of weeks. My cupboards were getting pretty bare and my usually overstocked freezers are nearly empty. Good thing is that I had them stocked to start with. Now, all I have left are pretty much bits and pieces I can't make a meal with and no meat or fish left. So, mom has been letting me use her account to buy essentials. That has taken some of that pressure off at least. We could all use less food anyway so think of it as the ultimate diet!
Overall things are ok. I'm surviving. It's just so tiresome. My checklist for the day today:
Attitude - bad but working on it Body - hurts badly Cash flow - depleted Loneliness - overwhelming some days but manageable most Anger - muted sadness - steady happiness - able to have some in the right situation that takes my mind off everything else
Soooo....all in all that doesn't seem so bad to me. Lots of room for improvement but it's ok. Getting there.
You all are a wonderful help. Thank you for caring so much. I absolutely LOVE all of you!
Hey K! Don't you have to buy a lottery ticket to win it? I think that's the problem!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
His life is wonderful for sure..he makes great choices..