I'll back Lucky up by stating that it is important for you to NOT back down from how you -really feel- in the relationship and expressing those honest feelings to him: whether he wants to listen or not. His current tantrum is all about getting you to back down and help him to continue the pretense that "all is well in the relationship". The truth is, all is NOT well, and like it or not, he will need to face up to that.
He won't do that if he can keep intimidating you into backing off.
It's also VERY important that you learn to have a serious relationship talk about these issues WITHOUT it turning into an argument or shouting-match. You will have to take the lead there: don't raise your voice (ever); don't criticize him; don't be defensive when HE attacks (criticizes) YOU; don't show contempt in any form (name calling, eye-rolling, etc.). Yes, I know -- all much easier said than done in the heat of battle, but it's important if you really want to be heard. Some more hints:
--> Stick to statements that tell him how YOU FEEL, and -not- what he is doing wrong. "It makes me feel very sad and lonely when we have so little physical intimacy in our relationship. I love you, and I need to feel your touch and your desire for me regularly in order for me to feel close to you and loved by you...." No attacks -- simply state how YOU are feeling.
--> Admit to being 50% of the problem. Make sure he understands that you accept at least half of the responsibility for the situation, that you have made serious mistakes too, and that you are willing to do all that you can to help fix it. Tell him that you want to meet his needs and make HIM feel loved and happy in the relationship.
--> Keep in mind what I call the Golden Rule of Marriage: the fact that men and women are so different, and feel loved in such dramatically different ways, that it is impossible to treat your spouse in the same way that you want to treated and expect them to be happy (the standard "Golden Rule") --> they WON'T BE. The Golden Rule of Marriage requires that each partner learns the unique needs of the other, and then works to meet the other's needs in a way that makes their -partner- feel loved and happy. Both of you will need to 'get' this rule.
--> If he stomps or storms away from a particular discussion, just let him go. Don't pursue. Let him have his time in the "man-cave" (ala John Gray) when he needs it. At the same time, don't apologize for feeling the way that you do -- don't let him put the blame on you. But as Lucky says, don't rise to his bait and let it put you into the same angry state that he's putting himself into: he would rather have an irrational fight than have to face the -real- issues in front of him.
You're in for a bit of rough time -- I've been there myself, and it's no fun. Like Lucky, I had to reach a point in my own marriage where I also decided that I could no longer live with the status quo, and was willing to bring the relationship to an end if my wife was unwilling to work with me to fix it. HOWEVER, before considering or delivering such utlimatums there is some work you need to do first. See my post on The Four Phases of SSM Recovery.
Welcome to the board -- there are some good and helpful folks here!
-- Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
