I did read MWD's advice on trying to be the better person than the OP, be a better choice etc, but I just cannot see how that works. She said find out if he is a better lover, is he funny.... If you have no idea who the OP is how can you play that scenario? Also, that to me, means absolutely nothing as the WAS has just started a EA/PA and will have nothing but negativity for the LBS, that strategy to me would only work over a period of time and only if the A dies out but the LBS has continued to do the best for himself and the children.
I still think that some of this (along with GAL) works in conjunction with the principles that Gucci is advocating here. In my case, my voice recordings (and other intel) revealed some critical mistakes that OM was doing in dealing with my wife, and I was able to capitalize on them. Just to give one specific example, my wife was a SAHM for 20 years, and only recently back in the workforce. She worked VERY hard to get her personal training certification, and it was a huge step for her to begin working full-time again. OM belittled that, and I could HEAR her repulsion of his comment (altho she said little at the time) when he said it.
Well, a few nights later (and keep in mind, this was in the midst of her affair and my "dim" period), as I went to bed (yes, I took back the marital bed!) and before she went upstairs to sleep on the floor in D20's old room, I came back into the family room where she was sitting on the couch, and I said "Oh, by the way . . . I just wanted to say how proud I was of you going back to work full-time. I may disagree about everything else you're doing right now, but I know how hard you worked for that, and that that took some guts. G'nite."
She just sat there with her jaw dropped, and mumbled "thanks."
Months later, after we reconciled, she told me how much that had meant to her -- it was a real contrast between me and OM.
I'm just saying that I think that WHILE you are being civil, courteous, "treat them like a roommate," I also think you can incorporate some things that -- as my mentor put it -- "shines a light back toward the marriage."
