Thanks for your imput. Just reading yesterday's posts shows you how I believe the solution is, 'whatever works for you'. Gucci, I have read very carefully what you said and I now see a path that accomodates my new relationship with my children (courtesy and respect to PositivelyMommy, JCJ, GFI2, Kev) and a way to deal with my wife.
In regard to telephone calls, texts etc I NEVER initiate anything. She calls me but it always pertains to the children or financial, and my mood tends to be as upbeat as I can without it being over the top. At this present moment my W is so focused on her new lifestyle that anything I do or say does not make one little bit of difference. I am not pursuing or looking 'needy', in actual fact she critised the fact I was relaxing in my friends garden reading a book with a glass of wine on Sunday, as though she was jealous or something. As Puppy has said before, I do not read anything into words or actions, she mentions the divorce and court papers on a regular basis. I do not rise to it, I treat it very 'matter of fact' and move on, though she is so far removed from the present and is looking 2/3 stages ahead of me - divorced, in MY home all decorated, children will be fine in a broken home, new wardrobe, new boyfriend etc etc.
I did read MWD's advice on trying to be the better person than the OP, be a better choice etc, but I just cannot see how that works. She said find out if he is a better lover, is he funny.... If you have no idea who the OP is how can you play that scenario? Also, that to me, means absolutely nothing as the WAS has just started a EA/PA and will have nothing but negativity for the LBS, that strategy to me would only work over a period of time and only if the A dies out but the LBS has continued to do the best for himself and the children.
Yesterday for instance she dropped my mail off and included our family holiday photos from last year. To me, this was very upsetting though I did not show it. Photos of us laughing and playing on the beach, in the boat, at dinner, all that now gone in 5 months. I could not believe her insensitivity, but as PositivelyMommy said I should not read anything into this, and I agree, but I just wonder whether she is thinking straight.
I bumped into one of my neighbours this morning and she noticed how much more cheerful my wife seems. I did not go into detail but for me this is quite worrying as it would now appear things are settling into place for her and she is now becoming comfortable with her situation.
I will put into action gucci's advice and continue to be the best father I can for the children, as I cannot control anything else.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I did read MWD's advice on trying to be the better person than the OP, be a better choice etc, but I just cannot see how that works. She said find out if he is a better lover, is he funny.... If you have no idea who the OP is how can you play that scenario? Also, that to me, means absolutely nothing as the WAS has just started a EA/PA and will have nothing but negativity for the LBS, that strategy to me would only work over a period of time and only if the A dies out but the LBS has continued to do the best for himself and the children.
I still think that some of this (along with GAL) works in conjunction with the principles that Gucci is advocating here. In my case, my voice recordings (and other intel) revealed some critical mistakes that OM was doing in dealing with my wife, and I was able to capitalize on them. Just to give one specific example, my wife was a SAHM for 20 years, and only recently back in the workforce. She worked VERY hard to get her personal training certification, and it was a huge step for her to begin working full-time again. OM belittled that, and I could HEAR her repulsion of his comment (altho she said little at the time) when he said it.
Well, a few nights later (and keep in mind, this was in the midst of her affair and my "dim" period), as I went to bed (yes, I took back the marital bed!) and before she went upstairs to sleep on the floor in D20's old room, I came back into the family room where she was sitting on the couch, and I said "Oh, by the way . . . I just wanted to say how proud I was of you going back to work full-time. I may disagree about everything else you're doing right now, but I know how hard you worked for that, and that that took some guts. G'nite."
She just sat there with her jaw dropped, and mumbled "thanks."
Months later, after we reconciled, she told me how much that had meant to her -- it was a real contrast between me and OM.
I'm just saying that I think that WHILE you are being civil, courteous, "treat them like a roommate," I also think you can incorporate some things that -- as my mentor put it -- "shines a light back toward the marriage."
I have no idea how I can find anything out about the OM, particularly as in my early amateur snooping days, I was continulay caught to the point where my wife has re-directed all her cell phone bills and any other post to her parents house. She was clearly at OM's last night as the bed had not been slept in etc, but no amount of investigation by me has found zip in 5 months because she assumes I snoop even when I go around the house to pick up some bits.
My only way ahead that I can see is to follow the advice I have been given as I cannot influence or find out anyhing about my W's OM.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 05/13/0901:00 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
"Oh, by the way . . . I just wanted to say how proud I was of you going back to work full-time. I may disagree about everything else you're doing right now, but I know how hard you worked for that, and that that took some guts. G'nite."
Why did that work? No pursuing/pressure strong/confident not a emotional outburst loving gesture/respectful/thoughtful/LL no expectations
It showed Puppy as the better man.
Quote:
Months later, after we reconciled, she told me how much that had meant to her
No immediate feedback to Puppy but it was a direct hit and he knew it (confidence).
"Patience is the companion of wisdom." - St Augustine
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I know you cannot put a timescale on things like this, but in my case I have a wife who could not care less what I do or say, thinks my family is trying to sabotage her car, is having an A, has detached from ME, has removed any evidence of me or our marriage from the marital home and is fast tracking to divorce without wavering - totally, totally focused.
My question is, have you seen/heard of any other situations where a WAS is so far removed and is not the slightest bit concerned about her LBS?
The reason I ask is that I have not given her any reason for her to re-consider her decision as I assume she is now in full PA mode and even if she was thinking about our situation (which I know she isn't) every time she meets with OM the decision meter goes back to zero and she gets her 'fix'.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
My question is, have you seen/heard of any other situations where a WAS is so far removed and is not the slightest bit concerned about her LBS?
Yes. I have seen practically everything.
The question to me is always "what things can I do that give me the best chance to reconcile?"
In my observations over many years and in just observing reality (not what I think should work or happen, but what DOES work or happen) are these common things that seem to crop up when the WS decides to come back...
The BS lets go and stops pursuing. The faster they do this, the faster the reconciliation
They display confidence They pursue other interests and activities and hobbies They start seeing other people or find someone else (which I have seen turn the WS around faster than anything)(the relationship then does a 180 and suddenly the former WS is now the BS and vice versa. The former WS is now chasing the former BS.) (I have found this to be a common theme) The former WS NOW knows exactly what it feels like. They dump the OP very quickly in many cases.
Your choice what to do, but these are the things that I have noticed usually happen that cause the WS to change their minds even when it looked hopeless. I have found that the hardest one to get the BS to understand is the "dating" part. I wish I could say that it wasn't one of the observations, but then I would be lying. Jealousy is a POWERFUL emotion that is not recognized on this site, that works wonders. I think that it shows the WS that you HAVE let go, which they had not thought about because they have been in their own little world. Suddenly they are faced with another reality... "Is this what I really want? Is it too late?, I didn't know I would feel THIS way"
Pursuing and hanging in there by the BS never gives them that reality. The thought of the WS while you are pursuing and hanging in there are usually this... "ILlYBNILWY, I need space, I don't want to hurt my BS, but I just don't "feel" the same, and of course they are focused on the OP.
