But my tiger striped silk shirt is my fav! dang it I demand that you call me "El Tigre" when I wear it. I looks great with the black eye mask.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I do think she has difficulty being emotionally open. She rarely talks about anything that is painful or emotional for her.
Oof, Thinker. That IS a glitch in your intimacy with your W. Intimacy is not just sexual connection... Intimacy is connection and openness, STOP. Intimacy includes the ability to talk through painful, emotional stuff. That's the real deal.
This is where she can do some work, I would think. To identify why she shuts down or withdraws and to practice letting it FLOW. Loving someone involves trusting that person enough to be able to hash through the toughest stuff.
Lucky
You are right Lucky - it is an issue and has been for a while.
It has been very frustrating for me during the past months. Everything that I have read emphasizes the importance of listening, validating, etc., but all of that presupposes that the other person is capable of talking in the first place.
I can see that she is totally tied up in knots, emotionally tearing herself apart inside. I know what some of it is (our sitch, her mom's cancer), but she is incapable of talking about it. If I ask, I get shoulder shrugs, or "I don't want to talk" or at best a "You know! I'm worried about my mom!" (and then nothing more).
Sometimes I see her sitting there miserably and just want to shout "Talk to me!!!"
Part of it is her own difficulty opening up about difficult subjects. She is normally such a chatterbox with her friends, that I did not realize until recently that she finds it difficult to have deep, painful discussions.
Part of it is definitely me and the way we have been. In the past I read many of her emotional complaints as personal attacks on me and my ability to provide. I got defensive and...you get the picture. I try hard not to do that any more (still have room to grow), but the damage has been done.
She is going to IC (as am I) but I am not sure how much she is really working on the issues.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Would either of your IC's (preferably hers) be willing to spend a session or two to include both of you? Just to focus on this one idea?
My H is quite closed when it comes to talking openly about painful stuff, and he knows it. Because he knows that it is a problem, he understands when I approach him about it and he is able to take a deep breath and consciously open up. This took work on his part, though, through his own therapy and exploration of himself. His whole family is that way, and he recognizes it as a learned behavior that he has to repeatedly work at to unravel.
I think it would be difficult for you alone to convince her that her closed style is an issue, simply because you're working on several marital issues right now and it might be easy for either of you to feel attacked.
Maybe I'm wrong, though. If you have confidence in navigating this topic, I would certainly raise it. If it gets tangled up in other issues or emotion, perhaps suggest sharing a therapy session or two to discuss it.
It would be such a breakthrough for you two to make progress here.
I had a very short "R" discussion with my W yesterday, in which she said she does not want to do any more joint MC sessions right now. No real explanation and I did not push her on it. I think she just does not like the pressure. The last 2 sessions were emotional for her.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Sorry, I don't remember. Is her EA totally over? Why is she so emotional and afraid?
Lucky
You know, I don't really know the answer to that one.
She say's the EA is over.
I have no proof that it is not. She has provided transparency (email accounts passwords, etc). The few times I have checked, there is no evidence of anything.
She is acting differently than she was then. For example, during the EA she was very regularly working out early mornings (when OM worked out at gym). This was strange because she is not a morning person. Now she is sleeping in again.
but, it is really hard to prove that nothing is going on - i.e. she could be still emailing him and just very carefully deleting the evidence.
I am also carefully avoiding "spying" on her right now - not for her benefit, but for mine. It was making me completely codependent and crazy and I need to be able to focus on myself. So now when I start worrying about the EA, I take my mind off of it, "leave it up to God", and go do a GAL activity.
I am really not sure why she is so emotional and afraid. It could be the EA. It is more likely the sitch with her Mom. Our R started going down hill 4 years ago when my W's Dad died. She was never really able to open up to me about that ("You just can't understand") and then felt that I was not supportive. Now her Mom has cancer that has metastasized. I can see that it is eating her.
She has closed off intimacy with me in general for some time. She does not want to talk to me about the bad (her Mom) or the good (her dreams for her new business). She won't kiss me (except for returning a short peck if I initiate), she won't hold hands. Hugs and snuggling go well, but I have to initiate.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
This sitch baffles me, I must be honest. I want to say that I vibe that she is hiding something (like an EA.) Perhaps she simply has a good reason (does she?) for not trusting you. It sounds like she felt that you emotionally abandoned her during her crises with her parents. But, why wouldn't she be able to discuss it? It's confusing to me.
I think it's good that you stopped snooping and spying. You don't need all of that nonsense and madness. If she is up to something, it will become apparent in due time. Quicker if you continue therapy, which is why my radar went off when you mentioned she wants a break from it. Though, of course you should grant her whatever break she needs and give her breathing room to go through her journey and self-exploration.
What my W says in our C sessions MAY explain some of it. She is holding on very strongly to the WAW ideas - "A M is either right or it is not, you can't force it." "We are just not right for each other. It's not your fault, I'm mad at myself for letting it go on" "I am afraid of spending my life in a M where we just aren't in love, but I am equally afraid of D"
I think her Parents never had a great marriage - were never really friends, etc. Her parents were very religious and would never have considered D as an option, but I think she saw them suffer through for many many years and then get old (and die).
I never never betrayed her in any meaningful way (No A's, provided well, etc) but was definitely less mature, more focused on myself and my career, and rather clueless about what she needed. I now can see how she would have felt unloved during much of our M.
So I can see that it could be what she says it is - anger at herself and fear of the future.
I can also see that it could be her in some way "remaining faithful" to her fantasy life with OM...
I agree with you completely on "One Day at a Time"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Could be she feels she loses everyone she is close to. Makes sense to close yourself off and be the one to keep the hurt from happening. *shrugs*
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
