Desperate for direction

[Doingitright]

sandi/All...Here is a quick and dirty summary of what has transpired. W stated to MC that she is uncomfortable with me touching her in the simplest of ways and that she needed space. She mentioned that the other night I was touching her arm in my sleep. She mentioned that I am in the middle of the bed now and she is on the edge. This is the opposite of what I used to do. Holding hands, kissing, sitting next to each other on the couch while watching TV and many other things make her uncomfortable.

Then she mentioned she felt ticked off when I stopped saying I love you, or kissing her goodbye, hello or good morning...so she initiated it. MC said so you didn't like that he wasn't giving you what you wanted, that he was not pursuing...you missed it, yet when he is willing to give it you feel uncomfortable. Yes she said.

Quick side step...we had a huge long discussion in the car ride home. Ironically after learning how to communicate effectively. We reached our destination we calmed down and I got out of the car and said have a safe drive back home. She has this look on her face of sadness or being ticked off. I shut the door and then realized i forgot my ear piece. I reached back in to get my ear piece and she motioned to me to come in the car and she kissed me and said ILY. WHAT??????

Back to the car drive....The blow up had to do with her asking what was wrong...and we agreed with the MC we would address things at the moment at hand and not stew...so I said she could have told me about the not feeling comfortable stuff at home...early on in our sessions she asked me not to blind side her at these MC sessions as she already had anxiety going to them and I agreed, no surprises. This was then followed by her saying she does not trusting me. She said I never told her what the PI found out about her and the EA. At her moment of acknowledgment that I knew she was sending these emails she said I am so glad you are not pushing me to know why or what. I said I wouldn't ask. I said she asked me at the time not discuss further and I was OK with that and had not until today. She prodded me further so I spilled the details I could remember off the top of my head about the emails she received and sent.

Long story short...she insisted it was over and has not contacted him since...which of course she did on Friday. She said she wanted to fix the marriage...if she didn't she wouldn't be going to see MC. I said I had forgiven her and my self so I could move the process forward within me. She said she didn't believe that I was in it to stay married. I said I was in it to fix the marriage.

She said take her phone...(what I call the tool of choice for the deception)...I said no keep it. She said just make it a phone with nothing else on it. She would use the computer at home. She knows I have some kind of key logger software or something on it so it should not matter.

There were a million things more that happened in the 2 1/2 hours but that is the meat of the matter.

What are your thoughts? Anyone's thoughts?

[mulesqb]

6 - Wow - this is so darn similar it's scary. MY STBXW "broke" off her EA 3x. She just kept gravitating there. And acted and said the exact same things your W is saying to you. Especially about counseling. Eventually she wouldn't go anymore because the MC was focusing on her. We had the exact same car ride.

Don't listen to anything she says about not trusting you - she's projecting. She doesn't trust herself. She's very confused.

There are two trains of thought here. Neither one is easy. One, you drop the rope, let her go and do her thing and lovingly detach. Focus on you and the kids and be prepared for anything.

Two - play the understanding H. Unconditional love. Think about what Sandi wrote to you. Be prepared for some of the toughest emotional times of your life. Get close to her, just listen. Dont fix. Just validate. Be her friend for now. It will take a while.

I will say this. I tried both. When I did the unconditional love thing - it was working but it was brutal. You get complete insight to just how selfish they are right now for whatever reason. I had to stop doing it though. Because my kids were starting to be neglected. But during that time she would open up to me, little bits at a time. If I had read what Sandi wrote to you it would have helped tremendously. Because I caved and let her go.

Once I let her go, that was it. I lost that connection with her. And she went back to the EA. I'm not telling you what to do. Your W is not my W. Believe me, both choices suck. You have to figure what is the best path for you and what you can handle. And set boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable. And she will test you with those limits. Like mine and FIB and others - traditional DB doesn't always apply here. For me, I wish I had a do over. I would have done things differently.

And you'll know if and when her EA ends. She wont have to tell you. You'll see it.

Good luck bro - you are in for one heckuva ride. But you can handle it. You will put up a fight for your family. It's worth it.

Strength and Honor.

[Doingitright]

Mulesqb...thanks for the thoughts. It just is so unpredictable. I am sorry to hear your situation. We had a 2 hour discussion and debate. She said she was heard me say if I found anything else on OM I was done. That freaked her out knowing that I am not in it for the long haul. She tried to explain the OM and insisted it was not an EA. That it ended but she could not tell me when it ended. W said she is so lost . She does not know who she is and where rhat girl went. We seem to move forward and then it just stops. No more conversations nothing we said we would do happens and W forgets what we said we would do. She is worried I am not in it for the long haul. W initiated kisses, hugs and ILY's all day yesterday. It is all so confusing. Thank you to everyone for their support and advise. My heart goes out to all who are hurting.

[dburt]

I think you should become a man of fewer words right now.

Burt

[aliveandkicking]

As a woman, I can say that I think calm and measured reciprocation would work for me. She should know you can handle this and are there for her but know that you are taking care of yourself too.

[Doingitright]

Thank you to all. It has been all calm and quite for 2 days I have been helping her out with anything I can. She has been saying she is having anxiety attacks due to feeling overwhelmed by everything that is happening: kids, school, her business, the house etc.
W seems to have calmed down as well. She is leaving nice messages on my phone and carrying on conversations like we used to have; talking about what is going on and planning and talking through things like a team (to reduce the overwhelmed feeling).

I have been very big in the listener category and much less in the talking category. She mentioned how much she appreciated my helping her and being kind etc for this week. W said she didn't expect that after how our week started. These all seem like baby steps in the right direction and for that I am very cautiously happy. To me it is like my wife is trying a 180. For now I will just keep cautiously plugging along to keep it moving forward.

[dburt]

set a new goal for yourself, what would that be, another babystep toward the perfect marriage. Women love listeners, even more so than fixers. Strange I know.

Burt

[Doingitright]

Thanks to everyone. I am working on some new babysteps goals. I seem to have hit a wall at this point. Our interactions are just room mate like except when W wants it to be different. Due to W being uncomfortable with showing simple acts of affection; kiss good bye etc, we no longer touch or kiss/hug. It is only when she wants. She is the only one that can initiate a hug or kiss or sit next to me. So I am trying to come up with things for me to change that will allow my wife to feel more comfortable with me. It is just so weird. She just came in and gave me a kiss goodbye. I am glad to have this problem compared to others that I had or other folks have. Have a great weekend.

[dburt]

Is she initiating hugs and kisses at all, if she is, you are well ahead of the game, it took several weeks in my sitch for my wife to start touching me again, kisses hugs and so forth.

This is a process, let it run its course.

Burt

[Doingitright]

She was and still is the initiator. I have let it run its course and we have reconciled. We had some very long heart to heart talks this last week. We will still be going to MC as I think it is so very important not to backslide.

It was the best weekend in 2 or more years. We really connected and it seems like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I cant say it enough...THANK YOU TO ALL ON THIS BOARD. A special thank you to sandi2. It was with your help that I gained the understanding of where my wife was coming from and that helped me find her...and helped me bring us back together. THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU.