From my blog in response to a previous post.I felt the need to revisit something I posted and deleted. This was a post that I wrote before I knew that my husband had been in an emotional affair with someone I considered to be my best friend. In looking back and rereading it, I had to look at it with eyes that knew the whole story and I wondered did I feel the same way knowing everything. I still feel the very same way. I have accepted my role in the demise of the relationship with my husband. He feels that I was not there for him when he needed me. He feels he has found that part of our relationship that was missing with someone else, but what about the parts that were not missing? I sincerely apologize. It was never my intention to hurt him, but I did. Would I give anything to go back and fix it? Honestly, I do not know. I have grown, changed, and learned so much from this experience. Would I be the person I am if I didn't experience it? I doubt it. I would however love to have never hurt him. Hurting someone you love is one of the worst feelings in the world, but letting your guard down and allowing someone in leads to pain sometimes. It's inevitable when you have two people with two different ideals about life and what the word love really means. I understand now that love is being able to accept the past, learn from it, and not continue to dwell on it. Sometimes it means letting someone go when every fiber of you wants to hold them close because they need you to. I no longer want to keep a scoreboard of hurt. Noone ever wins. I will live forever with the knowledge of what I did and feel remorse for it. I won't sit on the sidelines of life though and believe that I haven't or won't find my soulmate. He is out there. He could be from my past, my present, or my future. He will be the a man who steps up to the plate and is the very best him that he can be. He will try his hardest to honor his promises. He will not be resistant to change if the change is something that will benefit him. He will be my partner in life. He will be honest with me even when being honest with me might hurt because love sometimes has to hurt in order to grow. Love is a choice. It isn't some emotion that just happens willy nilly. It is something you choose and you cultivate it. Right now, I am working on being the best possible me I can be. I am shining. I am loving myself.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
