AFWAW, WOW! What a soap opera. I hope you are keeping good notes...the book/movie deal will make you a fortune!
Your W has issues.
BobbiJo is correct...why are you asking her again? Even when the custody of her daughter is being considered and is in jeopardy she still refuses to stop seeing the OM. If you do ask her do it via email so you have a record of what she has done and said.
She has made a real big mistake moving out like she did...soon she will figure that out...good job on the lawyer. You have a great advantage in that most courts will let the custody stay as is (with you) until the divorce is final. In the long run the lawyer will be worth it...you can always file first and ask that she pay your lawyer fees based on the adultry and abandonment. I know you have secured your money...not sure what the limit is on the card you share that is down to about $500 but you should think about paying it off and closing that account.
Do not believe anything she tells you...you have done all you can do to let her know you still love her and still want to work on your marriage. You have actually done too much and given her many outs and treated her way too nice...did you pack her stuff and arrange for her to p/u? Change locks? Let her know she is not welcome in your house whenever she wants?
When you get solid proof expose through your commander. Have her served at work, ask for everything to include custody, add that no unrelated males will be in the apartment when your daughter visits. Fl will consider her affairs when deciding custody...
She will not get kicked out because of this although she deserves to be demoted...her actions are not what any good CC wants in the SNCO corps. I am shocked that now she seems to be concerned about her career...what did she think was going to happen? Just curious but has this ever come up when you talk?
It is possible that she will get some your retirement as it is possible you will get some of hers. There is a formula that is used based on the length of marriage and time in service. Worse case scenario for you, based on a 15 yr marriage and a 20 yr career is she could get about 40% of your retirement...again it works both ways and unless she has other issues dealing with integrity at work (such as disobeying a no contact order) she will not get kicked out. I know this is not what you want to hear but it is possible...again it works both ways and with her affairs you have the advantage dealing with the courts. This is one of the main reasons you need a lawyer.
You did good during the talk...keep future talks, if needed, to a minimum and focused on your daughter's care.
I would not call her at all and wait for her to approach you...then ask her if the affair is over and is she ready to work on this family. If she says no then you tell her I guess we have nothing to talk about and my lawyer will be in touch with you. Do not let her threaten you...
