I'm ready to wake up now...........

[Silent Chrleader]

Today.....

Did you get what you need for the gas and water bills?

How was "Deam House"? Is there anything I need to take up next weekend?

D

Yes.

Good.

No.

Thanks.

T

So, I have been trying to do better at detaching and distancing.

However, I then followed up 2 hours later with this e-mail (first one I have actually sent that was not a reply to something from him in a while).

Actually, I'm thinking very seriously about going up there myself on all the weekends I can manage through the summer. The peace and quiet are something that I could really use right now.......
T

Haven't received reply from H on that one. I'm sure he's contemplating what to say because he takes OW up there with him (although not all the time apparently judging from the voice-mails on the phone).

I am contemplating going up there for several reasons.....

1. I put an awful lot into that place and I should use it while I can (H doesn't think we/he will lose it but I'm not so sure at all).
2. H won't bring OW there if I am there (If he did THEY are NOT getting the master bedroom!!!!).
3. If we are both up there at same time, it may be the only last ditch chance I will ever get for him to see some of the changes in me and maybe for me to see if any of the man I loved is in there somewhere.

On the other side of the coin, if we were both up there, it would likely just be an exercise in pain as I'm sure he is happy as a clam with his "new life".

I have another appointment on Thursday with the lawyer. He has already advised that I file for bankruptcy seperately to both protect myself and save the headache of having to deal with H regarding that. He also has advised that I should file for D but I don't want to do that.

Everybody here in my RL says I should file because H has renegged on virtually every promise he ever made me, and is long gone! But, I have my own values and sense of "fair play" and I won't go against that either. It's just not my nature, and I won't step down to his level. But, don't want to bury my head in the sand either.

Oh, and S18 finally called today. He talked to D24. He's staying at that girl's house, but says he will meet me to go to C tomorrow as planned. He gave D24 a completely ridiculous sob story of how he came to be at that party I found him at 3 hours after he was to run this short errand and come straight home!!?? I just don't know what to do with this kid!!

I read that Puppy and his wife are doing much better and that Midwestern Girl's H all of the sudden came home. I'm so glad for them. Really!! I have read lots of stuff from them over this past year and Puppy specifically gave me some encouragement a long while back that I will always remember and be grateful for. But, hearing stories like that used to really give me hope, but that's not the case any more. I really am beginning to feel hopeless! I am still tweaking on my AD meds, so that may be part of it, but still.......

So much to think about and so many emotions........sometimes I feel so bitter and angry and I don't want to be that person! I really don't have any idea what the "right thing" to do is at this point! I just keep trying to take one day at a time, and don't give up, but honestly I'm exhausted and discouraged and stuck!