I found this site and I believe it is exactly what I need.
I have been married for just over 10 years. Over the course of those 10 years both my wife and I have done numerous things to inflict emotional pain on each other.
I have spent way to much time on the internet chatting with other females in a not so dignified way as well as problems with pornography. On way hand its sad to say the following and on the other it is a positive... I have not had any internet problems since January of this year. However using the computer at home for work from January until the end of March she still constantly was worrying about what I was doing.
The week of Easter (April 7th), I started wondering about a few things my wife was doing. She is back in college and has had for the last few years "study groups". Up until the week of Easter this year I have never had a reason to not trust her. The first disturbing thing was that she told me on the night of April 7th that she would be studying at XYZ friend's house and would be home by 10pm; I thought ok, no big deal. Well 10pm passed and finally around 12am I called her cellphone to make sure she was ok and she was quite caught off guard even asking what time it was. She said that they had been working alot on the friend's project and that they got a late start on hers but that she would come on home. I stayed up till about 1:30am and she still wasn't home. I went back to bed but stayed awake and called again at 2:00am. She was like ... I am leaving, I will be there soon. When she got home I was quite ticked... this was my wife.. the woman that couldn't stay up past 1:00am and she wasn't even home at 2:00am??? Needless to say that I did the juvenile thing and once I heard her key in the door, I acted like I was asleep. She washed up and came to bed by then it was around 2:30am and she heard me sigh and rolled over to snuggle me and tell me how sorry she was and sorry that she was taking advantage of me taking care of the kids while she was out. The next day ... I stewed and let her stew in it until I came home from lunch. Finally I let her know that everything was ok... I was just concerned about her safety but that I trusted her.
Fast forward to Easter Night... the 12th of April. I had checked her email on Thursday night the 8th and noticed a Myspace Friend request to add from an ex bf. The night of the 12th I started having really bad feelings and I checked her Myspace page and it read - "Missing You" ... I thought what the heck... I am right here... I checked his... and it said... "Missing You too". I immediately told our kids that they needed to go onto bed that mom and I needed to talk. I walked outside and laid into her about what I had just found. She denied... denied and denied... denying... any and everything. Finally when she spoke she told me that she wanted out... that I had hurt her so much over the course of 10years that she didn't love me anymore and that she wanted out. (flashback... on March 24th she gives me a card that has written inside of it... I could never imagine my life with anyone else... I Love you forever...) We argue and finally go to bed. I woke up earlier than normal and realized that I needed to get into her myspace page and see what they had been talking about. I got up and had an email sent to her email showing the password and I went into her myspace account and found messages that dated back to April 8th. They were BAD... I woke her up with the laptop in my hand and said get up we need to talk. She ended up saying... "If you want us to have any chance in this you need to delete the account"... well I did want to save the marriage so I did.
Over the course of the week of the 13th through the 20th she ended up coming back to the I want out part. She had agreed the week of the 13th through the 20th to with me give our marriage over to God and go to counseling and see if we can work things out but with her staying in the home.
On Monday, April 20th... around 4pm I got another funny feeling and I left work and headed home... calling her cellphone as I drove home... no answer. As I drove up - no vehicle. I turned the key in the lock and heard and BEEP from in the house and I knew it was her cellphone from where I had called. On the counter was her cellphone, checkbooks, debit card, and a note that said she couldn't do this. She didn't love me and that she had taken the children and gone to her parents and that she would hope to meet with me on Wednesday to discuss arrangements with our children. I was distraught!!
By Wednesday the 22nd of April I had run the cellphone and home phone records and it was sickening. She had even called him from our home phone on Sunday the 19th when I was at church with our children. I also added up the call times and dates that in the last 3 weeks she had been at "study group" and I knew in my heart that not only had she been meeting him but that they had slept together. I met her at noon on that Wednesday outside at our house and I let her know that I had run the records and added 1 plus 1 and gotten 2 and that I knew they had slept together. She did not deny it.
Since the week of the 20th I have been able to keep the children overnight acutally a few more nights than she has.
She has let me know that she has no intentions of stopping seeing him and that she loves him.
I ... after 10years of marriage and many many many mistakes and bad choices in my marriage am ready to FIGHT for my marriage. I have been reading this forum for a bit over a week now and feel like I am doing the right thing in standing guard over my marriage while we go to counseling and just work on myself and hope that one day before it's all over that she will see all of the changes and have at least and interest in reconciling.
Remember the only person you can fix in all of this is yourself! Become the best you there is and regardless you will always be able to face yourself in the mirror! Wishes for peace in your heart and mind!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Tonight I will be attending a choir concert at my D9's school. WAW will be there. My parents are going too. This will be the first time that my WAW all my kids and my parents will be out together.
Anyone have any advice on whether or not to sit with WAW? I do know that she probably would not care if I sit with her for this event for our daughter. On the other hand my parents have already said they would sit somewhere else. I am already trying LRT and going Dark. I feel like I could get some mileage from not sitting with WAW, especially if we sit somewhere that she has to spend the entire event seeing that me and her inlaws are in front of her. Reminding her maybe for the first time that she has choosen this new life.
Don't sit with her. Go looking good, smelling good, confident and be mysterious. Be a great Dad to your kids. Be polite if you see her but be the first to leave.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks coach. It seems that everyday she is looking for a fight. We talked earlier today to coordinate a few things with the kids for the rest of the week and she wanted to argue when I got off the phone she kept calling. Finally I said... I have to go ok, keep your plans for this week and I will get the kids from you tonight after the program and I said bye. She called back and said.... you are NOT getting the kids ANY this week and then she hung up.
I was with my mom and she said... DON'T CALL HER BACK!!! Let her have some time and she will turn around on it. I didn't and she called back in 10minutes and apoligized for her behavior and saying that I couldn't have the kids this week. I said ok.. I accept your apology and as you know we can't keep having problems over trying to coordinate stuff for our kids. I told her that I had accepted her apology but that I was going to let her go before either one of us messed things up further.
I think she will be suprised when I don't sit with her tonight. I have a feeling that the other 2 kids that are not in the program will choose to sit with me and my parents instead of her... leaving her sitting there alone; which I don't think is a bad thing.
I'll be back on later tonight to discuss how things went.
Well, I went tonight and did everything that I planned on doing and I think it went well. She did make a comment when I walked over to speak to the kids. She said " oh.. you can't sit with us?" I said " well ya know " and then I got my D3 and S8 and went to sit with my parents. After about 20 minutes they wanted to go back to mommy; but not for mommy but for the kids sitting near her so that they could play. When the program ended I spoke to a number of people including the school's assistant principal as she waited for me to get some things of the kids from her van. She then said so I will see you tomorrow so that you can get D3 for the night and I said ok and walked back to the car. She said - hey... come here... I did and she said.. what's wrong? Are you mad.. is everything ok? I said... if you want to talk you need to call me .. the kids need to get home with me and go onto bed.
I didn't really expect her to call and she didn't ... not that I would have had anything to say if she had called. I think she really got thrown off guard by us not sitting together and by how as if I was acting.
Anyway - I feel pretty good tonight... about time she was the one wondering what the heck is going on??
Congrats on the progress. You did well avoiding arguments. Continue, but know that there will be plenty of wavering and being mean. It's script and par for the course. You are doing great so far!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Thanks... definetly not easy. I spent the first 4 weeks of our seperation basically begging her to stop seeing him so that we could have a dignified seperation and divorce if that's what it came too.
LOL
What a WUSS.
You know it's me time... it's time for me to be daddy of the year and get back the bravado that I had when she met me. She got so turned on by how confident that I was. The first time I asked her out ... I said... So... when are we going out and she laughed and I said .. no really... when..? And it was on from there.
I have read in markhavingprobs - drop the rope... and I get something LOUD and clear right now... She is DEEP into an emotional and sexual (admitted) affair right now ... has told me that she loves him and that if I had treated her better that she never would have strayed. Well you know what? I deserve better!
So she wants to play a game... well baby I am the gamemaster. First up... NEW ME... Second up... MOVING ON... and if she doesn't do a 180 herself... batting 3rd will be GAME OVER.
I know everyday I won't be as confident as today but today I am feeling it. As a family member of mine said... kill her with kindness bombs and move on.
*CLAPPING* Bravo! Keep this post available for the days when it's not so easy and you start questioning yourself. You are going to need it because if nothing else you are going to need to prepare yourself for one hell of a ride! So far, so good though! I would like to adopt your saying if I may?
So he wants to play a game... well baby I am the gamemaster. First up... NEW ME... Second up... MOVING ON... and if he doesn't do a 180 himself... batting 3rd will be GAME OVER.
You and I can only fix ourselves. We are not the only ones who did things wrong in the relationship and if there is to be a relationship at all, both parties are going to have to do some changing and growing. I hope your wife gets this!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
