Hi. You can ask anyone here, I backslid many times!! I still have some moments when I do, but now I try to keep it to myself instead of making it an issue.
Trust is a hard thing to regain, in my opinion. I was so insecure and untrusting b/4 the bomb when H didn't give me any reason to mistrust him, that after he dropped the bomb, the only thing that changed in my mind was "oh, now he's proven that I shouldn't trust him".
My insecurities and mistrust came from an abusive first marriage, and I carried a lot of baggage into this marriage (I didn't fully realize it until after the bomb).
Anyway, I trust my H as much as I can right now. For me, that's a lot. Given that I always thought he'd hurt me b/4 the bomb, I've come a long way.
I still have moments when I get upset and think that he'll have another EA (never had a PA, but EA bad enough), especially when he goes away so much for the military. I think that the more secure I am in myself, and the happier I become with myself and my life, the more trust I gain for him.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but that's what I've found. It's so hard to trust again, but you just have to choose to do it, if not, I don't think the marriage will endure. When thoughts creep into my head about the EA, and will he do it again, etc., I remind myself that I'm living in the here and now and things are great, no reason not to trust him now. If I let myself dwell in the past, the trust will not last. I don't know how to make this more clear for you, I'm sorry. It's hard to explain what I feel and how I trust.
I think that in a normal relationship (without going into it with all of the emotional baggage I had), you give someone your trust the first time, it's all new and they haven't really "earned" it yet. Over time, you realize that you can truly trust this person and be confident in that. When this person betrays your trust, it's gone. They have hurt you to the very core of yourself, and I don't think anything can hurt worse then realizing that this person that you trusted more than anyone in the world did this to you. You have to start from scratch, but the problem is that you've got this lingering memory of what this person did to you, so that makes it very hard.
It takes so much time to work past that, and so much time to truly realize that you trust this person with your heart again. I guess you also have to remember that things are different now, you are two dif. people who are changing and working on saving your marriage. You are not, and never will be, the same people you were before, and your marriage will never be the same. But, it will be a better marriage for all that you've learned.
It's just hard, that's all there is to it. Very hard, but it can be done.
I truly feel that my H will not hurt me again, and will not betray my trust, BUT, who knows? You never know. You just have to trust in the here and now.
Sorry if I've confused you, I just tried to put it into words as best I could.
