Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Had communication class tonight. Somehow in one of our exercises we got off tangent and the word divorce was brought up (in response to what would we do if we both wanted to grow in different/noncompatible directions). H got uncomfortable and called a time-out(which is what we were taught to do). We started talking about it on the way home..the discussion 'escalated'-a big "no no".. So at the end H said "I can't do this anymore"..we calmed down a bit after that and he said we could talk tomorrow..
I understand how he hates conflict and lumps all of our 'negative' conversations together and makes statemnts like "we always fight" even though in reality we don't..Its just when he says these type of statements I feel very hopeless and wonder if I should just give up. I don't want to give up, but going through this for years seems unrealistic and miserable.

Are there any veterans reading this that can help me get perspective? When a MLCer says these 'hopeless' statements, when/how do you know when they truly mean them versus when they are just spouting off frusration and anger? What tricks have people used to separate the negativity from the spouse?

I'm having a hard time with this communication (H even brought up that when we talk about the OW and D, things will get even tougher-he brought up those topics) about the 'taboo' topics and DBing. I think I've lost my sense of how to DB in this situation. In order to honestly commnicate as we are supposed to(and it worked the first time wonderfully), I can't just validate. I need to share and be honest. When we do the active listening well things are wonderful and we both feel more connected, but so far we've digressed just as much as we've succeeded.

I guess the fact that H said we could talk about things tomorrow, either the same topic or a different 'hot topic'-his words- is positive. ???

In our class practice conversation we talked our prior discussion about making things more 'right' in our relationship. I asked H if when he said he didn't know how to 'right' things if I should take from that that he wanted to 'right' things b/c I didn't want to assume. He said that was difficult and he didn't know.

If he doesn't want to make things 'right' then I see no point in continuing. There isn't a way to overcome an A, dishonesty, broken-trust..etc without trying to make amends and work on a relationship. I can't connect this man who might not want to make things 'right' with the man who said he felt from the bottom of his heart that we would always be friends and that is what he wanted. Is that a conflicted MLCer or a man who can't admit he's given up and just say he wants out?

Any thoughts/help or advice are extremely appreciated b/c I'm feeling pretty hopeless after tonight and I'm scared to remain hopeful.