Happy WHEN you answer the phone, and then when you realize it is her on the other end, suddenly toning the happiness down a notch and getting to the reason she called and THEN ending the call politely and quickly.
Brilliant!
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
Thinker and I got connected on FB. Very good stuff.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Yeah, my daughters (22 and 20) were HORRIFIED that their mother and I were on there now, LOL. Too damned bad!!
Smiley & Puppy, would love to meet up with you guys in the alt - I'm connected with Thinker, he can point you to me, or you could always seek out Kalni and get in the group.
Mark, I haven't posted to you before but jumping in here because Gucci's and Puppy's advice totally worked for me.
Summary of my sitch: xBF said he wasn't happy, I discovered his EA. He denied and did not want to work on our R. I tried to be the better option and wait it out on the advice of DB coach. I ended up miserable and disgusted with myself. I decided I was done and kicked him out. I went dark and focused on making myself happy. After a couple weeks xBF started asking to see me. I acted like the WAS (honestly I really was since I had decided I was done) and refused to see him until he declared that he had ended things with OW and wanted another chance. So now we are starting to see if we can work things out. I am positive that this would not be the case had I chosen to stay on the other course.
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
I think you SHOULD act happy when you are with her and when you are without her. You should be happy ALL THE TIME.
I do not agree with this idea PM. Why would you be happy spending time with a cheating spouse? I do agree that you shouldn't be rude to your WAS, but that doesn't mean you have to act happy to be around them. I think Gucci's suggestion about answering the phone happy and tempering that when you realize who is on the other end hits the nail on the head. Remember, the opposite of love is indifference. Treating a cheating partner with indifference sends a much stronger message that you are over them than being happy around them.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
What about us lovely LBSs who have no contact with their spouse? I can't go any darker and to be honest, wonder if me not contacting him at all will make it easier for him to forget about me or will it make him miss me and wonder what he is missing? UGH!
I do know that when we were in contact prior to the HAYUGE blowup that the one day I was in a good mood on the phone it caused him to ask what was making me so happy and when I would go visit he said he felt like he needed to act unhappy around me so I wouldn't be sad seeing him happy without me. BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Last edited by goingtofixME; 05/13/0902:44 AM.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Mark, I haven't posted to you before but jumping in here because Gucci's and Puppy's advice totally worked for me.
Quote:
So now we are starting to see if we can work things out. I am positive that this would not be the case had I chosen to stay on the other course.
I won't steer you wrong Mark. I have been doing this for a long long time. My advice to you is based on years of observation and experience of what works the best to get a person to come back to a relationship. Hanging in there while your spouse is having an affair is the least effective. Showing high self esteem, confidence and allowing them to feel you have let go works far better not only on them, but also makes you feel better. You need to get some backbone and show some toughness while at the same time not being punitive, mean or spiteful.
James Dobson puts it this way. "Respect, the CRITICAL ingredient in human affairs is generated by confidence, self respect and common courtesy. It is assasinated by hand wringing, groveling in the dirt, and pleas for mercy."
What about us lovely LBSs who have no contact with their spouse? I can't go any darker and to be honest, wonder if me not contacting him at all will make it easier for him to forget about me or will it make him miss me and wonder what he is missing? UGH!
Pearl didn't have contact for periods of time either. She held the line. He then started to contact. She continued to hold the line. He then started to get curious and started asking to come over and "see the cats." She continued to hold the line.
Quote:
will make it easier for him to forget about me or will it make him miss me and wonder what he is missing?
Choose the latter. Leaving him alone will earn his respect, then make him curious to what is going on with you (has she let go, did she find someone else, is this what I really want, am I making a huge mistake, what if I have lost her for good. etc)
Hold the line. You can't see the gains yet, but you will. When he does contact you, hold the line. Don't act overly happy to hear from him, make some small talk, reveal nothing about your state of mind, then cut the contact short by telling him that you were "just" leaving or going out the door, or right in the middle of something. Then say "talk to you later"...
Then wait it out and continue to hold the line. He then will be even more curious. This is when they slowly begin to pry into "what is up with you". Continue to hold the line. Start going out and doing things and have the "time of your life". Go have some fun.
That is how it is done. Backslides hurt and take you back to square one. Too many backslides cause a slow death of the relationship.
I appreciate your advice. Thanks for taking the time. Would it be possible to have you look through my sitch from beginning to end and let me know if you still feel the same way. My last contact with my husband was awful. I don't think I have ever been so cruel to another human being as I was him that day. I called him worthless and told him that his father had even told me he was ashamed that my husband had his name. I struck out at him with all the hurt and pain that I was feeling. Personally, I believe he is going to stick it out with the OW and not even worry a teensy little bit about me. Help a chick out!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
