You are describing the EXACT pattern that my H and I kept up for YEARS.
My awakening came in December of 2008. I decided that I absolutely cannot continue the cycle of sex, wait a couple of months, anger brewing, then explosion, then ML, then nothing again until I blew up again. My H promised since the beginning that it would get better, just trust him. No change. Oh, the torment.
After doing much reading and exploration of myself (family history, childhood, sexual history, intimacy patterns with my H,) I uncovered SO much and felt strong enough to face this head on.
I had a couple of BIG TALKS with H, the most recent was really IT. The finale. That triggered the real change. That, coupled with my insistence on not backing down and waiting in silence for him to initiate again. Rather than wait a few days to bring up the topic, I mentioned something sooner. H is also more passionate outside of the bedroom, on a day-to-day basis. He is "getting it," and I am truly a "lucky girl."
Now, my H agreed that he wanted to save the marriage and work and read, and he has done so (to a point, I will admit...) THAT is a blessing and I have a feeling that your H will commit to working. It sounds like he loves you and the kids! There IS hope!!
The local SSM therapist is a fantastic idea. That will help you two communicate in a healthy, productive way.
I would recommend that your next book be "Passionate Marriage," by Schnarch. It blew me away and gave me an entirely new understanding about intimacy. It will empower you. If your H agrees to read it too, that will be a real gift.
For now, I would ask your H to read the first half of SSM. Can't hurt...
You approach to your situation (exercise/weight loss, reading, possible therapy, joining this community) is the best. Know that the work you put in to this journey WILL pay off, no matter where the story of your life leads.
