still sane (keeping my sanity follow-on)

[hope3343]

Hi, have not checked in for a bit. D29 kept me busy till she left Sunday morning then I had a huge assessment at work (my most major project for the year).

First, the confirmation was on Saturday. It was a beautiful ceremony. Yes, WH came. He sat in the last pew of the church in a new suit, tie and watch. Glad one of us has money. My neighbor, and a few of D15's friends were there also for support.

It was amazing when the Bishop started to talk to the candidates and started to call about after we are born and how our parents care and love them and raise them with values and teach right and wrong. He goes on to say that in about 15 years time they will start to get married. That they need to understand that you do not fall in and out of love. That is not love it is a decision and a choice. The Bishop then says once you say "I Do" based on our religion and faith it is till Death do you part, not because we are tired of each other, not because we get mad but because it is what God wants. We make a commitment and we stick with it. And there is WH in the back listening to this. My neighbor says to me, you don't have to say a word God is doing it all for you throwing this huge roadblock out. It was something to hear.

After the confirmation they called all the Mom's up to the altar and gave us a flower. I was crying thinking about how my Mom did not come to visit. WH was watching me and put his head down.
When it was over, I turned the corner and ran into WH. His eyes were filled with tears. I must have looked startled and just said doesn't our D look beautiful. He says I have a gift for her but not sure if she will accept it. Well D29 comes over and takes WH over to see D15. He gives her an expensive charm bracelet with 4 charms. (can't imagine what his charges are up to). D15 said in the car later that she is mad at her WH and she has no respect for him but she felt she missed him when she saw him. I told her whatever she does is her own decision and I support her.

Well now she is texting and talking to him. She called me on Monday with a stomach flu and I was in the middle of assessment and I told her I could not take her and she said that I could ask her father. He picked her up and then I guess she brought him in the house and showed him the puppy and our other dog. They sat in the back for a little while.

Why am I feeling a little jealous? I do want her to have a R with her father but it will just make it more lonely for me here if she starts to visit with him again. My life here is so much more limited than being away from my friends/family no matter how hard I try to get out. Not sure where I belong anymore. I don't belong here and feel I don't belong back east. I feel lost.

Then today I saw the plastic pinata (first time since Nov), I was in her building and when she saw me she ran down the stairs. I wish I could push her. It makes me angry that she has had nothing happen to her. She has her family, friends, job and my H and goes along merrily along. I just hate her and it disturbed me seeing her.

Well we passed the assessment with flying colors but I feel empty inside. This is the first huge project that I have achieved alone and no one to share the success. H and I used to really help each other workwise and now there is no one to come home to that understands all the work it took. He is demoted, in love with a pig and all I have is my job.

Heard from Atty, turned in more stuff. This D might be finished in the next few months if there is an agreement (there won't be). It will be a year next month when WH started the A with the pig and it looks like there is no end in site.

Sorry this is so long but just catching u