I am having such a difficult time being in this SSM. My H is a wonderful man, and I love him very much, but I am so sad every day. We met when I was pregnant with my D, and alone, and he loved me (and my D) anyway. Even before we got married, he wasn't that interested in ML. We went to a counselor for a while, and the counselor told me not to marry him. But he was so perfect in every other way and he was a fabulous dad and I loved him, so I did marry him. I told myself that I could get used to this, that sex is only a small part of marriage, that his other qualities outweighed this lack. But it is so much harder to live with than I ever imagined. I used an ovulation predictor to make sure we could conceive our S, cause I knew it was never gonna happen if I just waited for it. 5 years later, here we are, still talking (or not talking) about how little sex we're having. He's tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of talking about it. A couple years ago I found some porn websites he had been going to. That stung! Here I am right there next to him, longing for him, and he doesn't want me, but he wants porn! They are not real! How could that be better? He promised he would not use those sites again, and I haven't found it on our home computer, but I am almost certain he has just gotten better at hiding it. I have not really initiated in a long time, cause I just can't. Every once in a while I do, and he goes along with it. Or he waits till I start to get grumpy and realizes that it's been a month since we ML, and he will initiate in response to me being grumpy. I feel so rejected and ugly and unwanted. So I read SSW and SSM. I'm trying to GAL. I've lost some weight, but I am doing it with so much anger in my heart. What happens when I lose some weight and become more "visible" to other men? I don't want anyone but him, but how do I handle other men noticing me? Honestly, I am holding this possibility like a sword to strike at him, because I am so angry. I don't know how to GAL really. The idea of smiling and being happy seems so phony and manipulative, cause I am really sad and hurt and angry. Even the weight loss is not about my health or self-esteem, but about making him scared enough to get off his a**! I know he is scared. He asked me (a couple weeks ago) if I was planning to leave. I said no that I was not going to leave, ever, and I meant it. How could I do that to my kids? Plus I know I would regret it. I will not ever meet another man this sweet and loving and perfect for me. I just don't know how to fix the situation, and I don't know how to live with it either.
Welcome! I was in a very similar situation for over 8 years. My H and I have just recently made some major breakthroughs in our situation. It has taken quite a bit of work with regard to reading, posting here, and some difficult but necessary communication between me and H.
How much have you discussed with your H? If you have had discussions, what does he have to say? Has he read SSM?
I look forward to getting to know you better and to offering any help I can. This is a very good place for support!
Hang in there. This is no easy road, but it is such an important one.
Thank you Lucky! It is nice to hear there is some hope!
I have talked about this with my H about twice a year since before we got married. I have tried so hard to be kind and loving in the way that I talk to him about it, always focusing on how much I wanted him and loved him. He says he knows and he's sorry and he'll try harder and he'll do better. But really, nothing changes. Until recently, after we ML, I would be happy again for almost a month, and then start to be mad, so then he would intiate and I would be happy again for a while. Now, I am angry almost every day. When H initiates I say yes and hate myself for it. It feels like pity sex, not the loving, connecting, fun sex I want and we need.
He has not read SSM, cause I haven't asked him to and cause he thinks our marriage is great just as it is. The good news is that I found a counselor right up the street that understands the principles in SSM. It's right on her website! So, I called her and am waiting for a call back and I am looking for an opportunity to talk to him about it.
You are describing the EXACT pattern that my H and I kept up for YEARS.
My awakening came in December of 2008. I decided that I absolutely cannot continue the cycle of sex, wait a couple of months, anger brewing, then explosion, then ML, then nothing again until I blew up again. My H promised since the beginning that it would get better, just trust him. No change. Oh, the torment.
After doing much reading and exploration of myself (family history, childhood, sexual history, intimacy patterns with my H,) I uncovered SO much and felt strong enough to face this head on.
I had a couple of BIG TALKS with H, the most recent was really IT. The finale. That triggered the real change. That, coupled with my insistence on not backing down and waiting in silence for him to initiate again. Rather than wait a few days to bring up the topic, I mentioned something sooner. H is also more passionate outside of the bedroom, on a day-to-day basis. He is "getting it," and I am truly a "lucky girl."
Now, my H agreed that he wanted to save the marriage and work and read, and he has done so (to a point, I will admit...) THAT is a blessing and I have a feeling that your H will commit to working. It sounds like he loves you and the kids! There IS hope!!
The local SSM therapist is a fantastic idea. That will help you two communicate in a healthy, productive way.
I would recommend that your next book be "Passionate Marriage," by Schnarch. It blew me away and gave me an entirely new understanding about intimacy. It will empower you. If your H agrees to read it too, that will be a real gift.
For now, I would ask your H to read the first half of SSM. Can't hurt...
You approach to your situation (exercise/weight loss, reading, possible therapy, joining this community) is the best. Know that the work you put in to this journey WILL pay off, no matter where the story of your life leads.
BIG bummer... The therapist is kinda pricey. I don't know if we could afford it, and I'm pretty sure that he would say no just based on that alone. sigh...
He'll be home from work in an hour and I am not sure how to try to be when he gets here. I don't want to have him come home from a very long day to a pissy wife, but I really feel pissy! I want to be more loving, but I am so caught up in being sad and angry.
Things were so bad when H came home last night! I tried to be fine and happy, but he knew that I was not- he is very perceptive and I typically cannot hide from him. He asked what was wrong and I said that I had seen my therapist and was just feeling a bit raw emotionally, but I was ok. He was immediately defensive and said that we must have talked about all the things he's doing wrong. I told him that it was not the time to talk about it, that he was tired and it had been a long day, but he really had to have it out right then. I said that for a long time, after we would talk about things, I would feel better for a while, but I wasn't feeling better now, that I am sad, nearly everyday. I said it quietly and pretty matter of factly. I told him I had found a therpaist for both of us to see, if he would. I was putting his dinner together throughout the conversation, so then I asked if he wanted sour cream. He said he was suddenly not hungry anymore and he left the room and went upstairs. He didn't speak to me again and just went to bed. I slept in the guest room. What have I done? Honestly, is it so much to ask to want to be actually loved by my husband? I guess I should be able to live with this brotherly affection, but I can't.
He's going to try every tactic to AVOID. Last night was his "I'm-angry-and-I'm-not-talking-to-you-so-you'll-have-to-come-running-stroke-my-head-and-beg-for-my-attention." Don't buy it.
Don't be pissy or mean. Just be loving and steady about it. You're not going to live being neglected or ignored by the only person that is supposed to be loving you *that way.*
It might take you reaching the point of realizing that you WILL leave (you just don't know that yet or you don't want to accept it--I know that I didn't for a very long time.) Once you realize that you absolutely will have a sex life with a man you love, your mind becomes clear, the emotions level out, you find great resolve, and the ability to look him dead on and talk about the real truth. When he sees that in you, he will stop his avoidance tactics and he will learn to face this *with* you.
I don't want to paint a picture that requires that you be demanding per se, but you first must decide what your absolute musts are.
Don't let him slink away and brush things under the rug without following up on last night. Tell him that this is so important to you *because you love him so much.* I hope he considers reading SSM and the therapy you suggested. Maybe not today, but soon.
One more point: He is avoiding the discussions because he is avoiding intimacy (not you.) There are so many possible reasons why he doesn't want to look at intimacy -- low testosterone, stress, Madonna-Whore complex, past abuse, childhood factors, ED... Try not to assume it has anything to do with you or that there is anything wrong with you.
Keep up the exercise and looking sexy FOR YOU and for him.
Oh, but I am a bit scared of actually being sexy. What if he still doesn't care? What do I do when/if someone else pays attention to me? I am so hungry for attention, but I really only want it from him.
He just left for work. He is mad still. He walked out and did not take the lunch I made him and said not a word. I went outside and asked him if he was really gonna leave things this way. He says he is working such long days (true) and now is not the time to be demanding. He says we had a great time on our weekend away (we did) and we had a great mother's day (we did), what exactly do I want? He says if it had been a month and he had been a d**k to me, he could understand, but he has been really trying, so what is my problem? What is my problem? I didn't even know what to say to him.
Oh stop it. ENJOY the attention but divert your eyes and just tell yourself not to "go there." You know how to live by a code, you know how to skate by an opportunity just slow enough to drink in some validation that you are wanted... There is nothing wrong with being noticed and feeling good about it. Just don't dance too close to the line. Never EVER act on it, because it will ruin your life and you will destroy your family. We both know you don't want that.
He is turning it into a fight. Don't let him. Stay firm on your stance without being "demanding." I'm sure that you are surprised by his reaction, and he should know that his reaction is not what you expected. I would call him on his shield of anger and tell him that it is not a productive way to handle someone you love.
Don't be sad or hurt or afraid that he is mad. Tell him that you don't want to drive him away, but that you desperately need to talk about this with him.
You know... Too much talk before you read more isn't the best way to go. Try to smooth things out as much as possible without recoiling from your stance and then start reading your butt off. You'll get all kinds of wisdom that will help you feel sure about how you handle these discussions.
If you want, you can drop his lunch off at his work with a quick, "You forgot this" and a smile and a wave and a quick departure. Take the power away from these antics. ("I'm so mad at you, I'll show you... I'll REJECT your lunch and withhold any ounce of appreciation." Silly, no?)
