I am having such a difficult time being in this SSM. My H is a wonderful man, and I love him very much, but I am so sad every day. We met when I was pregnant with my D, and alone, and he loved me (and my D) anyway. Even before we got married, he wasn't that interested in ML. We went to a counselor for a while, and the counselor told me not to marry him. But he was so perfect in every other way and he was a fabulous dad and I loved him, so I did marry him. I told myself that I could get used to this, that sex is only a small part of marriage, that his other qualities outweighed this lack. But it is so much harder to live with than I ever imagined. I used an ovulation predictor to make sure we could conceive our S, cause I knew it was never gonna happen if I just waited for it. 5 years later, here we are, still talking (or not talking) about how little sex we're having. He's tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of talking about it. A couple years ago I found some porn websites he had been going to. That stung! Here I am right there next to him, longing for him, and he doesn't want me, but he wants porn! They are not real! How could that be better? He promised he would not use those sites again, and I haven't found it on our home computer, but I am almost certain he has just gotten better at hiding it. I have not really initiated in a long time, cause I just can't. Every once in a while I do, and he goes along with it. Or he waits till I start to get grumpy and realizes that it's been a month since we ML, and he will initiate in response to me being grumpy. I feel so rejected and ugly and unwanted. So I read SSW and SSM. I'm trying to GAL. I've lost some weight, but I am doing it with so much anger in my heart. What happens when I lose some weight and become more "visible" to other men? I don't want anyone but him, but how do I handle other men noticing me? Honestly, I am holding this possibility like a sword to strike at him, because I am so angry. I don't know how to GAL really. The idea of smiling and being happy seems so phony and manipulative, cause I am really sad and hurt and angry. Even the weight loss is not about my health or self-esteem, but about making him scared enough to get off his a**! I know he is scared. He asked me (a couple weeks ago) if I was planning to leave. I said no that I was not going to leave, ever, and I meant it. How could I do that to my kids? Plus I know I would regret it. I will not ever meet another man this sweet and loving and perfect for me. I just don't know how to fix the situation, and I don't know how to live with it either.
