The adventure continues--the saga

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Your commander sounds like a good man who has your best interest.

I would not recommend that you talk to your wife about the divorce...I would not tell her you talked to your CC. Nothing has changed. If you thought the fear of getting in trouble would stop the affair and she would consider MC for the two of you I would say do it but that is a judgement call for you to make. Nothing you have told us makes me think she will stop until Oct and then on to another OM. I think if you tell her they will just be forewarned and make it harder to find out who he is.

Your goal should still be exposure...the name your daughter has from the computer game is a good start...send your CC an email with his name and tell him you are not sure if this is the OM but he was on her computer...he can have PERSCO give him a duty section for him. I say this if your goal is to try and save the marriage...until the affair is over your wife will continue as she has.

On the other side...if she is willing to give you everything in the divorce to include primary custody you should consider filing...the proof will (as Puppy said) help you with custody...do you think she will fight you having custody? Have you talked to your daughter? What does she want?


For now it is best you investigate and stay calm. Get your legal issues fixed as best you can to include personal property.

Great job on talking to your CC.

V/R,

[AFWAW]

Your commander sounds like a good man who has your best interest

I agree.

I would not recommend that you talk to your wife about the divorce...I would not tell her you talked to your CC.

I won't, I'll just ask her if she's ready to file--I kind of look at it this way, I want her to think that I'm ready to move on--I want her to wonder what's up. If she's not ready, then I'll ask her why. I will not tell her that I talked w/ my CC.

If you thought the fear of getting in trouble would stop the affair and she would consider MC for the two of you I would say do it but that is a judgement call for you to make.

I don't think it will. She's in love w/ some d#ckhead who's married.

Your goal should still be exposure

OH, IT IS! I still intend to expose but after she has agreed to and signed paperwork. As soon as it's submitted, I intend to expose. My friend still has an opportunity to find out who this guy is. If he gives me that, it would be very helpful as I will call his wife and provide the name to my CC.

On the other side...if she is willing to give you everything in the divorce to include primary custody you should consider filing

I believe she intends to do this very thing. We'll see. I think being the custodial parent would interfere w/ her new lifestyle at this point.

For now it is best you investigate and stay calm.

Believe me, I'm trying.

Thanks Hoop!

[Kalni]

I agree, your CC sounds like a wise man and smart too. Instead of letting the obvious awful behavior of your wife fog his judgement, he guided you to what is best for YOU and your daughter and NOT your feelings. I guess that is because he is not personally involved with this and I am sure he has experience.

As you say that, (exposure), can come later AFTER you make sure you have things ready hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your D. Also, which I sense is important to you, asking her directly if she intents to file, leaves no doubt in your head you gave her a last chance, no matter how improbable that seems at this point.

Stay calm and focused. I know it's hard but you need to. Think of it as strategic planning. Keep your eyes on the goal. As we say in Greek, "he who laughs last, laughs best".
K

[AFWAW]

WOW!!!!! Just had a long conversation w/ the wife. I called to ask if she was ready to file. She said are you? I said yeah, it looks like that's what you want. She said, no that's not what I want. I said you're kidding, you just told me the other day that's what you wanted. She said I know I can't make up my mind. One day I want it and the next I don't. I said, ok, what do you want today? She said I don't want it. Hahahaha, ok, I'm going bonkers at this point. I asked WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT??? I said, at this point you either need to come home so we can get on with our lives or we need to make a decision to file. She said well, would you hold this over my head if I came home--no, I already told you I wouldn't. Would you pay attention to me and give me affection---yes, absolutely! Well, I'm not sure I believe you--ok, you'll never know unless you come home. Ok, she says, let's go ahead and file. Fine I said that's probably for the best. Well, what do you mean by that? I said, come on, you're killing me, do you want me to file? She said well, I'm not going to get raped on this. I said, what do you want. She said, I want joint custody of D. I said, no that's not fair too her to be yanked back and forth. She said you can't keep my from D. I said, and I wont, you can have her every other weekend during the school year and we can work out the summer and holidays. She said that's not good for me. I said why not? She said I want joint custody. I said ok, I guess I'll go get a lawyer tommorow. She said, OMG why do you need a lawyer. I said, well, lets see, you left me and D the day after I got back from Iraq, you've had multiple infidelities, spent little to no time w/ D and lied about everything, shall I go on? She said if you get a lawyer this will be expensive. I said, you're leaving me very little choice at this point. She said I don't want a divorce. Ok, are you still going to see OM? She said yes. I said, then I do because I'm not going to share you. I said, if you want to live in your apartment so you can decide what you want to do, then you have to agree not to see the OM. Is that acceptable? She said no. Ok, I said we're back to square one. She said why are you being so difficult about D? I said ok here's why, when OM PCSes in Oct you're probably going to get another man, right? I don't know. Ok, let's say the next one sees D and says I want her and goes after her. She said, well what if you bring girls around her? I said I'm not worried about a girl raping her. She said, oh. She said, can we at least be civil if this happens. Of course. She said, OMG you're going to be vindicitive, aren't you? Please don't tell me work!(Wow, this girl knows me) I said, I haven't threatened anything. She said, if you get me kicked out I'm going to take half your retirement! I said, wait a damn minute, I've done nothing wrong and you're threatening me? I said, so much for civil--I've done nothing wrong and want to work this out and you're threatening me? I said ok, obviously this coversation is going no where at this point. I will call you tomorrow and if this is what you want, we need to come to an agreement about custody or you need to move home. So think about it.

WHEW!!!!

If she only knew what's in store for her if she goes this route. I talked to my friend again--she actually gave me more details about this guy--he's going TDY on Thursday to D.C.--amazing that she's so in love that she's giving these details to me--it's almost like she wants to get caught. I will be calling the OM's wife the minute I get his identity. Sadly I talked to my next door neighbor, 40 year old woman, 3 kids, husband in the military and she's got paperwork to file against him--I gave her my copy of WAW and recommended this site to her. I told her not to act too hastily--she told me some stuff about him though--ugh.

Ok, action plan for tommorow... Call lawyer and set up an appointment for Friday. Find out OM's name and call his wife. Call wife and find out if she's ready to file.

Hooper, Puppy, what am I missing? Hoop, if she gets kicked out, can she get half of my retirement? Hope not.

[BobbiJo]

The only part I didn't like (not that i am puppy or hoop) is why on earth you are going to ask her AGAIN if she is ready to file??? She told you on the phone that she would not stop seeing OM and when you told her to come home she said go ahead and file!!!

You already have your answer. Not that she won't regret it miserably once it happens, but I think that you have to take swift decisive action at this point. I see no need to call her tomorrow based on this convo...
Just my opinion

[AFWAW]

BobbiJo,
Thanks very much. I think you're right. It's just not going to be uncontested like I thought before. That's the reason I'm asking. I'd rather pay $500 versus $5000. If she's willing to agree that I'm the custodial parent and she keeps all the bills, then fine uncontested. If she starts to get how she was tonight, then I think it's about to get more ugly. I'm ready to file--I would rather it be as painless as possible.

[BobbiJo]

I gotcha. I went to an attorney last October, but haven't filed yet. He explained to me both ends of the D spectrum....it could be a couple thousand if we agreed on everything, or mega-bucks if we had to fight it out.

I know it isn't easy, I just feel like she is jerking you around and that ticks me off....you are too good a guy for that. Problem is she knows that and uses it against you!

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
WOW! What a soap opera. I hope you are keeping good notes...the book/movie deal will make you a fortune!

Your W has issues.


BobbiJo is correct...why are you asking her again? Even when the custody of her daughter is being considered and is in jeopardy she still refuses to stop seeing the OM. If you do ask her do it via email so you have a record of what she has done and said.

She has made a real big mistake moving out like she did...soon she will figure that out...good job on the lawyer. You have a great advantage in that most courts will let the custody stay as is (with you) until the divorce is final. In the long run the lawyer will be worth it...you can always file first and ask that she pay your lawyer fees based on the adultry and abandonment. I know you have secured your money...not sure what the limit is on the card you share that is down to about $500 but you should think about paying it off and closing that account.

Do not believe anything she tells you...you have done all you can do to let her know you still love her and still want to work on your marriage. You have actually done too much and given her many outs and treated her way too nice...did you pack her stuff and arrange for her to p/u? Change locks? Let her know she is not welcome in your house whenever she wants?

When you get solid proof expose through your commander. Have her served at work, ask for everything to include custody, add that no unrelated males will be in the apartment when your daughter visits. Fl will consider her affairs when deciding custody...

She will not get kicked out because of this although she deserves to be demoted...her actions are not what any good CC wants in the SNCO corps. I am shocked that now she seems to be concerned about her career...what did she think was going to happen? Just curious but has this ever come up when you talk?

It is possible that she will get some your retirement as it is possible you will get some of hers. There is a formula that is used based on the length of marriage and time in service. Worse case scenario for you, based on a 15 yr marriage and a 20 yr career is she could get about 40% of your retirement...again it works both ways and unless she has other issues dealing with integrity at work (such as disobeying a no contact order) she will not get kicked out. I know this is not what you want to hear but it is possible...again it works both ways and with her affairs you have the advantage dealing with the courts. This is one of the main reasons you need a lawyer.

You did good during the talk...keep future talks, if needed, to a minimum and focused on your daughter's care.

I would not call her at all and wait for her to approach you...then ask her if the affair is over and is she ready to work on this family. If she says no then you tell her I guess we have nothing to talk about and my lawyer will be in touch with you. Do not let her threaten you...

V/R

[AFWAW]

Your W has issues

YES SHE DOES!!! She told me that the week OM was gone after she kicked him out initially that she was physically sick and lost 8 lbs. I said now you know how I've felt for 3 months. She said, I don't believe you've really forgiven me and else you wouldn't be holding it over my head. I said I have forgiven you but you're still doing it!!!

Even when the custody of her daughter is being considered and is in jeopardy she still refuses to stop seeing the OM.

Yeah, this one I don't understand. She wants access to D yet she left her. She said I need to spend time w/ D. I asked her why she didn't spend time w/ D when I was gone? She said I did. I said that's funny, you told me that you barely spent any time w/ her and she says the same thing.

You have actually done too much and given her many outs and treated her way too nice

I know but my attitude is starting to transition to mean. I would love to find the OM and beat the piss out of him at this point.

did you pack her stuff and arrange for her to p/u? Change locks? Let her know she is not welcome in your house whenever she wants?

No, I haven't packed her stuff. All she has are little odds and ends here and there, nothing big. I took away all her keys and garage door openers--she has no access to the house. She rings the doorbell every time. Funny, at one point she said she needed a key for emergencies. I said what type of emergency? She said, you know in case there's a fire. I said, the house is insured. She said what if D can't get out? I said, D is 13, I'm sure she's old enough to get out and if you were that concerned you wouldn't be doing what you're doing so no, you won't be getting a key to the house.

When you get solid proof expose through your commander. Have her served at work, ask for everything to include custody, add that no unrelated males will be in the apartment when your daughter visits. Fl will consider her affairs when deciding custody...

I still intend to expose her--the only out for her now is to come home. My CC told me that if she agrees to come home, all I have to do is come tell him that the conversation I had w/ him was a misunderstanding.

She will not get kicked out because of this although she deserves to be demoted...her actions are not what any good CC wants in the SNCO corps. I am shocked that now she seems to be concerned about her career...what did she think was going to happen? Just curious but has this ever come up when you talk?

Agreed. She has never mentioned this before. I've only known about OM and affairs a little more than 3 weeks now. She is talking about going in the Guard now. I think if exposed and the fact that an investigation is started will severly hurt her chances of going into the Guard--thoughts on this Hoop?

Do not let her threaten you...

Yeah, I couldn't believe it when she did it based on what she's done. I still can't believe it. Amazing stuff, isn't it?

[LG nm12]

John,

Please don't sabotage yourself by trying to avoid the legal process that it will take to protect your D. Your D is worth more than anything in the world.

In my humble opinion, I don't think that she should have the "out" of coming home at this point. Not right now. If she took that out, it would NOT be what she really wants and I GUARANTEE it would be temporary at best. Let her come back later on if she really wants to... not because you are making that the only attractive option from a practical standpoint. YUCK. Matters of free will and real love are not meant to be handled strategically. But divorce and custody and settlement are.

Now I'm not sure that you are REALLY there. You still want her back no matter what you have to sacrifice. That's not love.

I hope you hear what I'm sayin'!

Lucky