Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

Moved over from SmileysPerson's Thread

I do think she has difficulty being emotionally open. She rarely talks about anything that is painful or emotional for her.

Oof, Thinker. That IS a glitch in your intimacy with your W. Intimacy is not just sexual connection... Intimacy is connection and openness, STOP. Intimacy includes the ability to talk through painful, emotional stuff. That's the real deal.

This is where she can do some work, I would think. To identify why she shuts down or withdraws and to practice letting it FLOW. Loving someone involves trusting that person enough to be able to hash through the toughest stuff.

Lucky

You are right Lucky - it is an issue and has been for a while.

It has been very frustrating for me during the past months. Everything that I have read emphasizes the importance of listening, validating, etc., but all of that presupposes that the other person is capable of talking in the first place.

I can see that she is totally tied up in knots, emotionally tearing herself apart inside. I know what some of it is (our sitch, her mom's cancer), but she is incapable of talking about it. If I ask, I get shoulder shrugs, or "I don't want to talk" or at best a "You know! I'm worried about my mom!" (and then nothing more).

Sometimes I see her sitting there miserably and just want to shout "Talk to me!!!"

Part of it is her own difficulty opening up about difficult subjects. She is normally such a chatterbox with her friends, that I did not realize until recently that she finds it difficult to have deep, painful discussions.

Part of it is definitely me and the way we have been. In the past I read many of her emotional complaints as personal attacks on me and my ability to provide. I got defensive and...you get the picture. I try hard not to do that any more (still have room to grow), but the damage has been done.

She is going to IC (as am I) but I am not sure how much she is really working on the issues.