Hi In Limbo, I've been catching up on your thread. See where you are very tempted to contact OW's H and reveal the EA. My advice would be not to do that. Several reasons, some of which you have named yourself. Have you thought that he may already know, just as you do? But, if you tell him, then he may feel forced to do something about it. I don't think the outcome would justify your problem with your H. Your H would either find another woman or get mad enough to leave you, but it would not make him stay faithful to his M or to snap out of the MLC. You are trying to control the stitch, no matter how you try to say that you feel sorry for the OW, etc. (and you may do feel sorry for her, I'm not saying you don't) but you are trying to "make" him give up the OW......and that IS controlling.
About boundaries......I have never been in that situation with my spouse, so I don't know that I am the best to give advice. However, I don't think you should give him a list of things he can or can't do b/c that certainly would not go over well. I think you have to take one thing at a time. Also, as Jack the Beans said, it is like paper if you threaten him and can't carry through b/c you have no power over it. Only make a boundary with what you feel you can actually do something about it if your H fails to respect it. It is all about what you are able to deal with. The first thing you need to do is to know what the deal breaker is for you. I think I have talked about this before. But it is very important that you know yourself before you go laying down any laws for him to live by. I think I suggested contacting Puppy Dog Tails about boundaries b/c he is pretty good about ideas for that. Jack the Beans is very wise. I agree with Jack, though, that you have to be prepared to back it up or it is useless. I would not be a doormat for him and allow him to treat me any way he chooses. He would show respect me (especially in my presence and in front of my children)or I would leave........that would be the dealbreaker for me, personally. I could not ML to him if I knew he was in an A, but a lot of women can.....so you just have to decide for yourself.......not what "I" would do.
I find it hard to believe that it has not gone to a PA level if they are going to movies and places together. However, maybe it hasn't if she has problems with me. However, I see your H flaunting it in your face, IMHO. But, then people today don't seem to think there is anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex going places together without their spouses. I say that is a bunch of stuff b/c it opens the door for problems. I have never seen friends of the opposite sex leave their spouses at home and go out together and there not be problems down the line. It is not meant to be. Is your H aware that you know he is going out places with her? That just seems very inappropriate to me. Call me old fashion, but I've been around long enough to see "stuff". I just could not accept that behavior, but as I said.....that is me....not you. You have to decide what you can deal with and what you won't stand for.
I know it must be very, very hard on you and we are here for you to vent to, cry, or ask questions. As you see, we all have an opinions.......
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
