Listen to Sandi - she's awesome, very wise and will tell you what you need to hear, even if it's not what you want to hear. You'll get lots of good advice here and you'll find it helps you to reflect before you act.
Sounds like you are doing a lot of good stuff. One thing I have found very difficult with H still in the house is to not read into every little thing. It sounds like that's what your H is afraid you will do. The only thing you really can do is show him you are not reacting to every little thing he does or does not do. The whole "lovingly detach" thing is so hard but so important for you. Something else you might find helpful in dealing with the emotions (I'm a big crier sometimes and it just sets my H off) is to write letters spelling out how you feel. Letters to H or even to God letting it all out - but DON'T send them, just hold them, reread them in a day or two and you'll probably find you're ready to tear them up. Never send them, of course.
Hang in there. Lots of great folks here to help you.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Went out to think last night a little after 10 pm. Called me at 11 pm and said he didn't want me to worry but that he just needed to think so more. That he as alright. He was thinking about going to the shop (he owns his own business). I said do whatever you need to do.
I didn't sleep well. He came in somewhere between 1 and 2 pm. Didn't contact him or anything for all he knows I was asleep when he came in.
Just doing my own thing this morning and leaving for work. Ready to face today! I do wander if his "thinking" last night will have any negatives. Oh well, can't worry about the what ifs.
Have you seen the movie Curious Case of Benjamin Button? I watched it last night and had to LOL when I read your first post. In it, there's on old guy that out of nowhere just says "I've been struck by lightning 7 times. One time I was just...." and he describes that particular time and the screen cuts away to a grainy old-timey movie of him getting struck by lighting and it's hilarious. He does this periodically through the movie. Ok, hard to convey here but it is really funny. Anyway, so now I keep picturing your husband walkin along, mindint his own business and BAM - God strikes him with lightning and he goes flying through the air, sits up and says "What the heck have I been thinking?!?!?"
As for sleeping, you'll see reading the threads here that it's a common problem. When I discovered my husband's EA, I didn't sleep or eat for almost 3 days. Still don't sleep much but broke down and got some meds that I take when it gets really bad. You need to take care of you.
Has anyone directed you to the link with all the abbreviations on it? If you go to the Forum tab, it's at the very bottom under the archives. It's very helpful for learning the lingo.
Take care and keep your chin up today!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Thanks for the information on the abbreviations! I like the Benjamin Button reference. Much better today feel more like my old self. I'm feeling confident again that I can follow through with the Last Resort technique.
Deep down I know that whatever happens I'll be OK. It's just a lesson in patience. I will keep up with counseling sessions for myself no matter what.
Thanks for your support. I've been journaling a little bit but I think I need to do it every day. Going tonight after work to workout that helps as well. I have two great friends who have been so awesome! In light of everything I'm really blessed with people in my life who love and support me.
Sandi is very insightful that's for sure. I had several ah ha moments when reading her response.
I took your advice this morning after he stayed out until 1 or 2 pm Sunday night thinking. I basically paraphrased what you said: I think you might try to have a relaxed conversation with him and tell him that you will not place any expections on him as far as intimacy goes and that you don't want him worrying that you will misinterpret his actions (or lack of actions) as he mentioned before. Be careful not to say anything about his parents. That is a touchy subject for him and could easily lead to a fight. However, you could tell him that you just want to be able for both of you to have a relaxed atmosphere at home and not expect a lot from each other and just try to feel comfortable.
His response was me too. I told him that I will be alright - we'll all be alright. He asked something like are you saying you all alright or agree (my memory is shaky - I was nervous on this one). I just said I've told you how I feel about things. No matter what we'll all be fine. It will be devestating but we'll all get through it. You're gonna do what you have to do.
He mentioned something about maybe he shouldn't go to the lake next week. I asked why and he said something like he was worried about everyone. I told him to go if he needed to get away.
Tonight when I walked in the door after working out, my older son said have you heard from Dad? I said no. He said I've tried to call him but it just goes into voice mail. You'll be proud of me because I didn't call him. He finally called and said he was talking with his Aunt. I'm actually glad he's finally talking to someone about all this. Here's the kicker - I'm close to his Aunt as well. So you know I'm dying to call her. It's taking all my willpower not to call her!
I think if the stress level around here is reduced I'll be better able to manage my anxiety and practice the last resort technique.
Hi, sure glad to hear that you are feeling stronger and more like your old self. You will find, however, that you will have up days and some down days. Talking about putting things on paper or writing a journal.....why not write some positive things down on those days you feel stronger? Tell yourself why you are a strong woman and what you can accomplish by DBing in your M. Write all the strong points that you know about yourself and what other people have said about you. Keep that to read when you have a "down" day and I think it may help you to find some strength to carry on.
You are sooooo blessed to have two good friends. I once read that if a person has as many as three very close friends in one lifetime, that they are very blessed. At first, I thought that if I didn't have a ton of friends that it just wasn't near enough.....something was wrong. But, as I grew older, I discovered that what I read was very true. "Real" friends are very few and far between down through life. So, you ask your friends to allow you to blow off steam to them instead of your H and then it won't stay bottled up in you--ready to explode when you're at home with him. You can also come here and tell us that you just need to vent (and that warns everyone to back off.....lol). It does help to do that.
I believe that your H going to "think" is probably a good sign b/c he will realize that he doesn't have the finances to pay for another place and keep everything up and going. He may even tell you that he wants the two of you to act as though you are separated but will continue to stay under the same roof and he will sleep in the basement. A lot of couples do that b/c of the financial problem. Well, that is okay b/c it buys you the time you need. I don't say this to make you worry more....okay? I tell you this so you will be braced in case he does tell you something along those lines. What he really wants is just to get away from everything, but he doesn't know how. So, just try to be patient and keep a warm, sweet spirit b/c if you show him an angry, resentful, b*tch......then he will probably find somewhere to go if it is nothing more than an outhouse! It is really hard to be sweet when they are acting like jerks, isn't it? However, if you will try to stay focused on the end results (positive results, of course) then I believe it will help a lot.
As I said before, your attitude is what will be the most important attribute to this entire stitch. If he sees his wife with a positive mental attitude and staying upbeat and going on with her life and acting as if she is going to enjoy life with or without him......it will get his attention. If you will give him space and not hang on him like he is going to melt like a snowman......he will be relieved. If you pull back a bit and yet act a little saucy and sexy......well, you get the idea. Remember, men want what they can't have quite so easily, so you need to become a little less available and dependent on him.
I am impressed with how you have not called and "checked up" on him. I know that is not easy to do when you are wondering what is going on with him. But you did the right thing.
The trip with the boys sounds good. I would, however, let him know that he is invited but that you understand if he feels that he needs to stick close to home for his parent's sake. It is all in how we "word" things that makes the difference. I am certainly not the best at it and you probably know a better way to say it. The point is to let him know he is not being rejected in going on the trip.
To go to your sister's this summer is great! It will give you a much needed break from the stress and from your H. You know, I think it does a couple good to do that once in a while and especially when things are tense at home.
In Limbo is right about sleeping and eating well b/c you must take good care of YOU. The exercising is one of the best things to get rid of stress and also get a great body..... Keep up the good job.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Wow! We had a turn for the better last night. He asked me if he could talk to me. Luckily I was able to minimize the screen so he couldn't see that I was on this site.
Basically, he said that he wasn't going to the lake this weekend that he wanted to keep the counseling appt. He wants to work on things. He said at least if it doesn't work out we'll both know we did everything we could and maybe it will make things easier. He said he's just very scared of "getting his heart stomped on again." I resisted the urge to strangle him and said please know that I am not about to stomp on your heart.
I told him that I want to live a happy life. I'm working on making changes in my life to make that happen.
He came over to me and gave me a big hug and then started kissing me. You can probably guess what happened from there. That may have been a big mistake on my part but I guess we both just got caught up in the moment.
I'm going to continue to apply the last resort technique. I'm working hard on myself. I'll be happy with or without him.
I'm looking at counseling as an opportunity to put the old marriage to rest and to begin a new one. We'll see what happens. I feel like such a burden has been lifted from shoulders now.
