I'm ready to wake up now...........

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, [[[[[BM]]]]], as always for your warm support.

I am doing OK. My appointment with the lawyer was interesting. I won't discuss specifics, but just say he was very straightforward and seemed to really know his stuff, and I do feel more compfortable as far as knowing where I stand and what my rights and options are. If/When it comes to it, I know that this is the lawyer I will use. I know what to do to protect myself, so that has set my mind at rest, which is a very good thing.

I have decided on the spur of the moment to go up to the dream house this weekend. I'm going to take a friend and just relax!
We are going in to work early in order to leave early so I am going to bed.......

[sandycay]

Wait, are you taking me? ROFL

[Silent Chrleader]

WARNING! Long post!!!......maybe my last......

Had fund this weekend with fiend. Stayed at Dream house. Saturday went for drive to see some scenery and then for lunch and wine tasting. Then went back to the ranch and went for a ride on the ATV.

Have lot of see-sawing emotions. I'm OK one minute then weepy the next. There was a couple voice mails on machine from OW....apparently she didn't go with him last weekend when he was there. She sounded so "sticky sweet", and started both messages with "Hey you!" Said she just wanted to know when he would "be home" and "couldn't wait to see him". (**gag**)

My stuff (lip balm, ear plugs, books, etc...) were still on my bedside table and my make up and such still still in the drawers and on the counter in the master bath. Also, my clothes on the shelves in the laundry room. The only evidence that she had been there was a couple of "decorative" things on the mantel (I put them in a cupboard.......let H look for them or call me to ask about them). He also left a small duffle on the dining room table, in which were a couple electronic gadgets I have no idea what they were for, and some condoms. I left the bag where it was but put left the condoms on top of it.......petty but I just feel so......hurt and angry at myself for allowing him that power still.....

I did end up having to call H because the key to the garage was not were it should be and we wanted to ride the ATV. The couple short conversations surrounding that situation were the first I had with him in almost a month. They were cordial......except I did tell him that there were some messages on the machine when I got there, but I figured they weren't that important and deleted them. I didn't say from who and he didn't ask. Catty, I know. Although it seemed to go over his head really.

I thought about telling H that I was going to start going out there every weekend! I thought, why should I be at home working on the projects he should be doing on this house, while he goes out there with her. If I was there, I don't thing he would bring her because he does not want his new "perfect life" to be "tainted" by something so tawdry as his family. And if he did have the guts to bring her up, I would smile and PMA my tail off, but I would be sleeping in our master bedroom and she would be in the guest room!! H could be where ever he wants.....the garage for all I care!

I know, catty again.......and wouldn't do any good and would just be more painful to me.......but he knows how I feel about that place and I just will never ever understand how he can take her into that bed in the home that we planned and built together while planning our future! How can he even get an erection? Does he have no freaking feelings or honor at all? I mean even if it has no sentimental repercussions on him, he knows that's not the case with me! I asked him from the beginning to just not ever take some other woman out there and he promised he wouldn't!! I told him I felt like that would be emotional rape!! And he still did it! It's like he has absolutely no (and I mean NO care or respect or concern for me AT ALL!) I live with this man for 26 years, and I don't even deserve even the smallest consideration. How does he look at himself in the mirror? And how does she look at my things there are that house, and crawl into bed with him!!???

My mother and daughter and friends all say that he was planning this for a very long time and the secretary wasn't the first affair. They think that the sweet guy I thought he was underneath never existed. He was all in my imagination. I am beginning to think they are right. One of my dearest friends started crying with me today on the drive home because she was so angry at H and said from all the history we had talked about this weekend, she said that H is a freakin' "abusive manipulative narcisistic sociopath" who just accepted my adoration and subordination as his due and is nothing but a bully who uses my emotions against me to manipulate me to get what he wants. He doesn't really care for me at all and never has. He doesn't have that capability.

Actually two people have told me pretty much that same thing. The bare facts are these......

1. He said wasn't having an affair with secretary......he did.
2. He said if we got D, we would sell both houses and liquidate everthing so it would be clean and no hard feelings......he told S18 that he just told me that to placate me at the time.
3. He said he knew my Mom said he would be
"shacked up" with another woman within a year, but that was NOT going to happen. He did not have anythingto give another relationship. He just wanted space to "carry his own bucket".....he moved in with her 8 months after speration (which was 5 months after last time ML with me, which was 4 months after which we were in MC to work on things [that lasted 2 sessions and we talked about S17, not the M]) That was 3 months after we were supposed to have "family X-mas" at Dream house.....2 months after meeting her (so far as I know).
4. He said he wouldn't take any OW to dream house......he did.
5. He opened seperate bank account for "ease of cashing his expense checks since it's close to work".
6. He got big promotion at work, but no change/raise reflected in deposit to joint account.
7. Changed all passwords to bill and account web sites because of possible "compromise" of old ones when he "lost some of the papers". He never gave me new passwords.
8. I am still on joint checking but he has changed password so I can see activity. (Note, I have my own account, but I do not do joint bills through that account and when I set it up, I told him about it and have offered him access to it on line (so he can see that I am not withholding anything from him but he can't do any transactions in the account himself.....)]

The list goes on, but bottom line seems to be that this is not just misunderstood guy in MLC......he is just a selfish manipulative bullying jacka**,and I have been a fool.

D24's fiance's mother came over to help with the work on Friday, and H did not even greet her and introduce himself. His only words to her was when he walked into the kitches she was cleaning and said "I smell bleach! No bleach!" We have a septic and that's not good for it. Well, E's mother told him she realized that, and that she was only using it to wipe down surfaces. H just told her "No bleach. There is some cleaner to use under the kitchen counter." That was it. No introduction. No thanks for coming over and helping. Nothing!! I don't know if he thinks she's beneath him because they are "lower income" what. She's a very nice lady! H behaved like the jacka** he has become. I am embarassed at his behavior!

I can't think I can in good conscience "stand" up for him and our M any more! I have tried to love unconditionally. I really have! And I think I will mourn the man he was (or who I beleived he was) forever.

But, I am really feeling like I have to face facts and admit that this man is not redeemable. I have given him credit for qualities he does not have. He has no honor, integrity, or character.

And this is not about giving up, it's about facing facts. It's hard. It hurts. I don't know if I can withstand this hurt much longer. I know I have no choice. I feel like I am faking in all the time. I know I should let go, move forward, don't allowing him the power to hurt me or even give him the head space. I know all this. But, how do I turn it off? Where's the button? I'll push it gladly! Maybe, like that darn faulty door between my brain and my mount, maybe I was born without one!

If any of you know where that button is, please tell me! I'm really ready to to get off this ride now.....I gotta get past all this crap!!......I love you all so much and I can't tell you how often I have given thanks for having you in my corner!.....But, I feel like I am stuck and have been a fool and I don't have any good advice to offer to any of you really, because I am absolutely at a loss myself to see how any of you really get beyond this and you have all given me wonderful advice and support, and I try to follow it and I always fall short. I keep faking it, but never feel like I am getting closer to "making it".

My H isn't coming back. And if he did, and I took him back, I think I would regret it. He never really respected me before, how could he respect me if I ever took him back after all this. He's probably right when he said we never got each other. He is a workaholic perfectionist who does not like the "messy" stuff of life like relationships. He never saw the differences in me, like my love for animals and children, and my loving to get absorbed in a sappy movie, or just go for a drive for no reason......he never saw any of that with acceptance, compassion, humor or even as something good that he could benefit from. I was a burden to him. An obligation. And so were the children. That's the truth.

The lawyer I saw last week seems to know his stuff. I have to make a decision soon. I think it's better for me if I step back and distance myself because I can't be unemotional and H will not be above using that to his advantage. I never wanted this. I hate that it's come to this......I certainly don't want to be the one to actually file because it goes against my values. But I gotta grow up.

[naej]

Wow! well I waded through the long post and think you are doing great. It is no easy thing to take of the rose coloured spectacles.
I haven't kept up with all your posts but read some.
Not quite the same but my x and I had a favourite Greek island that we visited many times it was "our" place. Guess who he took.
I spoke to him about it and I could tell he had no idea why I was upset,that was then ,this is now was the attitude (although we were still m) the best he could offer was "well we stayed at a different hotel"!
They really do not connect the dots. I am not even sure they ever feel guilt or remorse,like people say they do.
I can't believe he spoke to that lady like that!

I am sure you will find the strength and courage to do what you feel you have to.
I would just look at the now,who he is now and later when you are ready you can look back and examine who he was then.
I feel you need to hold on to some better things from the past otherwise it seems our whole life was a sham.
You need to be truly done and strong to look back, so save it for later.

All good wishes. Be kind to yourself and take care.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, naej, for sharing your wisdom and experience with me. I certainly don't know if agree with your contention that I am "doing great" though! I feel like I am really reaching the end of my rope and I don't know what that means. It's scary. I don't know if it means that I will finally turn a corner and really finally let go of it all and move on, or if I will just loose it completely and either do something really stupid or have to be locked up!

Had a terrible night last night. S18 went to run an errand for me and ended up gone for hours. Was up until 3am finding him at some girls house and getting my car back which I needed to go to work (at 5am). Took keys and his cell phone and told him he was on his own and I couldn't support his crap any more. He said he would call me when I "cooled off". I said don't bother. Happy Mother's Day to me!! Ended up going in to work late this morning.

During issue with S18, called H's cell phone but he didn't answer. I didn't leave a message. I thought about calling OW's phone and asking her if "my husband was in bed next to her and could she give him the phone please", so I could tell him that I finally took his advice and "gave up" on our son. Of course I didn't do that.

This morning, I had text from H asking about "missed call at 2am". I didn't reply.

Got in to work. Had e-mail from H giving some financial info I had asked him for last week. I didn't reply.

Mid-day, H called my work phone. I didn't answer. He then called cell. I didn't answer that either. He left a message asking about call at 2am and if he needed to "address anything", and he also asked about how "things performed" up at dream house this weekend (I assume he meant heat, water, etc...??). H also said he planned to go up to dream house "after ceremony on Friday" because he has a lot of stuff in his truck to take up there. So, apparently he IS in fact planning to attend D24's wedding on Friday. That's a good thing. I'm glad for that. However, I did not reply to that voice mail either.

S18 hasn't called or contacted us all day........but then I told him not to. He had an appointment to get his braces off tomorrow. Don't know if he'll show up for D24's "wedding" either.

I've gained almost 10 pounds back of the weight I had lost (my friend and I didn't were "diet free" this weekend).

I've continued to text and speak on the phone with T (the guy I met on the dating site). He's a very welcome distraction to me to say the least, but that's all I can handle right now. I think he is loosing a little "interest" which I don't blame him for at all given all the drama that comes with me right now, but he still is a friend and makes me laugh, which I really appreciate.

I am exhausted and going to bed.

Thank you again, [[[[[[naej]]]]]]. If I ever get to go to the UK (which I really hope to do at some point in the next 10 years!!) I would love to meet you!!! You seem to be a very warm, caring and strong lady!!

((((((HUGS TO ALL))))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Today.....

Did you get what you need for the gas and water bills?

How was "Deam House"? Is there anything I need to take up next weekend?

D

Yes.

Good.

No.

Thanks.

T

So, I have been trying to do better at detaching and distancing.

However, I then followed up 2 hours later with this e-mail (first one I have actually sent that was not a reply to something from him in a while).

Actually, I'm thinking very seriously about going up there myself on all the weekends I can manage through the summer. The peace and quiet are something that I could really use right now.......
T

Haven't received reply from H on that one. I'm sure he's contemplating what to say because he takes OW up there with him (although not all the time apparently judging from the voice-mails on the phone).

I am contemplating going up there for several reasons.....

1. I put an awful lot into that place and I should use it while I can (H doesn't think we/he will lose it but I'm not so sure at all).
2. H won't bring OW there if I am there (If he did THEY are NOT getting the master bedroom!!!!).
3. If we are both up there at same time, it may be the only last ditch chance I will ever get for him to see some of the changes in me and maybe for me to see if any of the man I loved is in there somewhere.

On the other side of the coin, if we were both up there, it would likely just be an exercise in pain as I'm sure he is happy as a clam with his "new life".

I have another appointment on Thursday with the lawyer. He has already advised that I file for bankruptcy seperately to both protect myself and save the headache of having to deal with H regarding that. He also has advised that I should file for D but I don't want to do that.

Everybody here in my RL says I should file because H has renegged on virtually every promise he ever made me, and is long gone! But, I have my own values and sense of "fair play" and I won't go against that either. It's just not my nature, and I won't step down to his level. But, don't want to bury my head in the sand either.

Oh, and S18 finally called today. He talked to D24. He's staying at that girl's house, but says he will meet me to go to C tomorrow as planned. He gave D24 a completely ridiculous sob story of how he came to be at that party I found him at 3 hours after he was to run this short errand and come straight home!!?? I just don't know what to do with this kid!!

I read that Puppy and his wife are doing much better and that Midwestern Girl's H all of the sudden came home. I'm so glad for them. Really!! I have read lots of stuff from them over this past year and Puppy specifically gave me some encouragement a long while back that I will always remember and be grateful for. But, hearing stories like that used to really give me hope, but that's not the case any more. I really am beginning to feel hopeless! I am still tweaking on my AD meds, so that may be part of it, but still.......

So much to think about and so many emotions........sometimes I feel so bitter and angry and I don't want to be that person! I really don't have any idea what the "right thing" to do is at this point! I just keep trying to take one day at a time, and don't give up, but honestly I'm exhausted and discouraged and stuck!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, got a e-mail from H saying we could "co-ordinate" weekends at dream house. He said he is there next 2 weekends (which includes Memorial Day weekend), but will be here to work on our house the 30th, so I can go up to dream house then.....

I replied telling H that (as I had said in my first e-mail) I hoped to go up there most every weekend. Then I told him I didn't care if he was there, and that I was sure he could give me my space and I could give him his.

Now awaiting his reply......

Anybody have any thoughts/advice/2x4s?

[naej]

Hi SC, so after the bravado and standing your ground, HOW will you really feel if he turns up either alone or with g/f?
A) could you cope with that really
B) are you just calling his bluff

IMO I think its great that you are ready to stand your ground.
Would there be any legal reasons that prevents you-ie agreements already drawn up
and please be sure this is not a cutting off your nose situation,ie would the emotional pain it gives you to be there if/when he comes with g/f in tow,be greater than the one upmanship.
Just something to consider and I do understand how you feel about that house.
Wonder what he'll reply.

[naej]

HI again SC, forgot to say thank you for your kind words and yes if you ever get to the UK look me up. I'd like that.
My door is always open.

[Silent Chrleader]

Update.....

This was H's e-mail reply last night to my telling him I wanted to go up to the dream house every weekend I could......

A short while ago you had indicated that I needed to give you notice in advance of my intended visits to "the main house" which would allow you to consider your decisions on whether or not you could support this and where you might adjust you plans. Let us apply that same criteria to "the dream house". There is no peace of mind when we are both there at the same time. My offer to share is a gracious one, please leave it as a sharing opportunity. Your proposal of “most every week” is imposing. I feel it is appropriate, albeit not limitless, to keep this arrangement as arranged weekends. I pay both mortgages, and I am fixing both homes, I get first choice. ............

I did not reply to this e-mail. It's true I asked for notice on when he comes to the house because I live here and did not want to be around. The dream house is a different situation. It's not like I am just showing up unannounced where he lives. It belongs to both of us and is our weekend place.

I won't go into detail, but I don't appreciate his contention that he is being "gracious" in the things he is doing on the house(s). He has always acted as if the dream house is "his" and anything he does for us is because he's such an upstanding guy and we should be grateful. Let's just say I disagree with this stance.

Anyway, I figured that I didn't want to push this any further at this point, so I did not reply.

Didn't have a great day. Very weepy and depressed, but then had a good session with C. S18 was supposed to have a session too but missed the ferry "his ride standing him up last minute". When I got home, D24 says S18 is on his way over to talk. I am exhausted and want to go to bed, and C said I did well at setting the boundary with him and need to stay firm, but listen to what he has to say.

So, I just checked my e-mail and got this from H.....

I sent you a card for mothers day that was sent back to me by mistake in the change of address flow. I put it back in the mail and you can see the cancel date initially was 5-4-09. Sorry it didn’t get to you.

I am floored. He has given nothing like that since the bomb. I really wasn't sure how/if to respond. Sandycay thought it didn't require a reply. But, I know this type of stuff is a tough thing for him, so I went ahead and replied a simple "Thank you so much for the thought, and I will keep an eye out for it."

S18 just walked in the door........he is sopping wet from having walked from "friends" house here in the rain (that's a long walk).....