Ok, guys, I comtemplated not giving an update since I feel like I may have brought my sitch right back to square one but I decided I have to own up to my behavior. Where do I begin... So on Sat. H and I went to go visit a friend of his who is in jail for a dump stupid decision but his wife and him don't have the funds to bail him out (proved to me that money not only buys goods but freedom too). We had a good time and H was on high performance trying to suck me back in. First thing when he say me he wanted a kiss. I kept pushing him off and just giving my cheeks and insisting that he is all talks without actions to back up his words. He even told our friend and his wife that he is coming back to his wife and he is work on things but I kept saying whatever, he can't be saying while still living with OW. After visiting H's friend H's friend wife (I'll call her FW), H and I went out for lunch, which was nice. H kept bringing up all the places we went on vacation and even FW kept saying that it's so nice that there are so many places we could sit and talk about when we visited. At one point during the lunch I got up and went to the bathroom and FW told me afterward that her and H were talking and H said that he wants his wife back and that OW is too immature and that he's coming back to his wife. Anyway, after lunch H and I had to go to our investment building to do some work. I gotta say, we work well together. We got a lot done and it was nice working together on the place.
Of course H kept pushing himself on me to and I kept trying REALLY HARD to resist him. But I'm so not proud of myself because he beat me down. I gave in and to him and one thing lead to another. And I swear, I just don't know how people cheat because afterwards I kept beating myself. I felt and still kinda feel like I've set myself back. Strongly believe that I need to show H consequences for his A and still being intimate with him could set me back. Later on Saturday I consoled myself and asked myself in the eyes of God, did I do anything wrong? Were my action immoral? NO. So I said to myself that I have been praying for God to lead me and take over my sitch and since I haven't done anything wrong in his eyes he will take care of me. So I really hope God takes care of this and Saturday's encounter doesn't take me back to square one and prolongs my sitch.
H and I talked a lot on Saturday though and I definitely got the sense that H is ready to come back home but he needs to make some moves. He said that he is looking for a place for OW and she is looking as well. I again made clear that I don't want him to come straight home though, we need to plan things out. But I don't think I was as strong as I would have liked to be. I think I asked way too many questions and I was melty mushy woman at times. And Gosh darn it I know H felt good that he was able to suck me back in. He did do something that I liked tons thoguh, H hugged me really tightly and said, we will make it ok, I know this is hard and is probably the hardest thing we've gone through but we will make it.
H also say something that I've been thinking about since, he said he noticed I haven't changed either and I have to look at the things I did too. I didn't like that b/c I feel this whole DB thing is to change ourselves and to have our spouses notice the change and I actually think H is kinda right - I was displaying some of the same behaviors that I think contributed to us being where we are. And so has H too, I must say.
I noticed though that I got sucked back in because later on Sat. evening I called H twice and on Sunday we had an open house to show an empty apt and I called him to remind him. When he got to the bldg we talked some. Apparently him and OW are really love busting and having tons of arguments. I asked him if he got her anything for Mother's Day and he said no because they had an argument and my name came up and she was talking crap about me. I didn't say too much about that but I asked why he didn't get her something since she's the mother of his child. Funny thing is that I know H and OW wouldn't have gotten along, we all knew it in the family, but I'm kinda worried because when H was with me we fought over OW and now he's with OW their fighting. I asked him if he isn't tired of all this and he said yes that's why he's trying.
This is the other update too... on Sunday H took flowers over to my mother for Mother's Day. She was so happy and surprised. He told me in advance he was going to surprise her though. My mother and my MIL went out to a show for Mother's Day and H even drove my mother to meet his mom. My mom told me that H was telling her in the car that Mommy I know this has gone on too long and that its been 8 months already and its way too long and he's trying to fix things.
All in all, I'm still extremely skeptical. Like H said, he's like the boy who cried wolf and when he was finally serious no one believed him. I agree!! I worried about H ping ponging and still he's hasn't given me reasons to feel like we are moving forward until he moves out of that dungeon he's staying in with OW. My mom told me this morning not to push H to do anything - let him do what he needs to do on his own, but she is convinced that he will. She said let him feel the bite of OW so he will never want to go back to that. I completely agree with her and will try to pull back again. But sometimes I wonder if I'm making progress or just prolonging my sitch by being so inconsistent - going dark then bright and then dark. Don't know really.
i have a question - does the ow know your husband is still very involved with you and wants to come home?
dont beat yourself up for not being able to resist him. i understand what u are saying when u dont want to do anything while he is still involved with ow, i have been there. however, its also good to keep the connection between the 2 of u. i guess it depends on how we look at it.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Hey, I asked H the same question. He says that he told her that he is coming home and that she needs to find a place for her and the kids. But I am skeptical - I would need proof. Also because I've been where she is right now I think she should be able to tell that H is pulling away, I see it in his whole demeanor. The only little proof I have is that she has become uncomfortable with her situation with H because it seems that my name is constantly coming up and they are arguing about me a lot. But I don't want to really be a part of their ending. I want it to just end. So with that I actually try not to call H when I think he may he with her. I don't want to be the "OW". I want to be forgotten by her - otherwise she will fixate on me and I really feel she is a little off.
By the way, funny thing is that in the family we called her for a while "Amy Fisher #2", even H did. It was our little laugh. Don't know how he really ended up back with Amy Fisher #2 though.
i doubt he told her he was coming back to you. just my opinion, based on what i know from my own situation.
he didnt tell her, but believe me, he doesnt need to, she can figure it out for herself.
isnt it funny how we become the ow?
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Well, I'm pretty sure doesn't DR recommend that it's ok for you to get intimate with your WAS? I also think it's supposed to just come down to what works. If after a period of time of ML with your H, if your sitch doesn't improve or it keeps yo-yoing and you're not happy with your results, then you should stop ML and see how that works. I think the main theory of DR is to do what works.... I think if he continues to live with OW at some point, you should try something different though. I mean otherwise you're letting him cake-eat long-term and I don't think that's good.
Don't beat yourself up. I see DBing as a process, 2 steps forward 1 step back. No one's perfect at this. As my D9 likes to say, just do your best.
Hi, I haven't given you guys an update in a while. Well, not really much to update. I've been working all week on stopping to beat myself up on giving into H last week. But I muyst say, since last Saturday, H has shown that he got what he wanted. All the calling he was doing and pursuing stopped. I even texted him on Tues that he's good at his games and said that he must be proud of himself, Bravo! He then called back and said that he's not playing games, blah blah blah. I know what I feel. So I'm trying to get my DB efforts and to just chill out. Will keep you all posted.
its so hard when things go up and down, isnt it? i say the best thing to do is detach, even when they show sign of improvement, that way we arent hurt every time they suddenly pull back.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I've been working all week on stopping to beat myself up on giving into H last week. But I muyst say, since last Saturday, H has shown that he got what he wanted. All the calling he was doing and pursuing stopped.
Well, at least you clearly understand the dynamic of what's going on, Vicky. I guess that's the first step. I still say if you could ever just hold-the-F-out, he would cave like a cheap house o' cards.
Hey guys, thanks for your advice the other day. All that was said is true and I know it to the bone. I need to just practice it consistently and that's what I struggle with. There definitely is a soft spot for H and he knows it and abuses it.
Anyway, here's my update. I'm travelign for two weeks for work since last Sunday and I had told myself that I will take this spacial break to detach from H. And I have been doing so. H called me last Sunday liek 7 or 8 times, even called my mom's house looking for me. My gut was telling me him and OW had a fight, don't know why but that's the feeling I got, so he was seeking an ally and wanted to tell me sometime. Anyway, just a guess, but I didn't bother to answer him. He called back on Monday and I ignored the call. On Wed he text me "I miss u". About 10 hrs later I texted him back, "I'm tired!!! I'm tired if all ur games, I'm tired of all ur lies. I want to live a happy and stressfree life. You are not able to give me that so pl let me be." H: Fine whatever I do miss u. I will leave u alone. Me: Very unattractive. (I really wanted to say his words without actions is unattractive but I didn't even want to be bother. I just wanted to use Pup's words, unattractive.:)) H: Fine
Then he called me yesterday but I didn't even bother to answer. I taking a break. I'm actually have a good time too. Staying in a really nice hotel on the company's buck. Been exercising and touring the area. And my girlfriend and her daughter will be joining me this weekend. We will have a picnic at the Lake and do some shopping. I just don't want to deal with H's stress at least for the next couple days I'm here I want to put all that crap behind me and have a good time.
