The adventure continues--the saga

[Kalni]

Sorry to jump in here, I've been reading along and please forgive me if I am way out of touch... I have no experience nor knowledge about army rules etc, I am not even American and I cant relate to any of the advice given above. But I understand that when you will go ahead with the exposure, hell will break loose, right?

Question:do you believe an order of no contact can keep them apart and are you ready to deal with the anger and resentment that will come your way from your W? Dont get me wrong I am ALL for exposing affairs but it seems to me that if there is a chance they (both or one of them) get discharged that will be very hard to "forget or fogive". Am I wrong or could this possibly actually ruin their lives?

Do you realise that if she indeed is in the limerance phase of the affair, this kind of attack will/could be translated as vindictive? Are you really trying to stop it to get a chance with your wife? Reading this made me think of the way parents try to deal with their kids around 15-16 yrs old and in my enviroment, "attack" only makes the differences bigger. I understand your wife hasnt been logical nor is she capable making rational decisions talking to your D like that, but ruining her life you think would provoke rational thinking and if you still want her back, would that awaken loving feelings towards you?

There is a chance they get more stubborn about it and I think your only real chance is that HE gets scared because somehow I believe she will get furious and although she deserves IMO anything she gets, I think you should be prepared for a very very difficult hard "cold war".

Accountability or punishment? You said if you ever got a shot at this marriage would be if the affair ended, and I AGREE. I also KNOW that the affair and the lingering feelings will not die because of an "order". There is a cycle that needs to be full before the WAS can get over the affair and unless it's time for it's "natural death" , dont count on her waking up and running back to you with remorse.

I hope all turns out well in the end for you and your D.
Good Luck
K

[AFWAW]

I have thought about this. This is what scares me the most--the anger and hatred that my wife will have towards me. I don't think it will ruin her career and I really don't care about his. At the most, she will get some paperwork and maybe not get promoted ever again--so be it. The way she is talking and the way she is acting make me feel like there is no shot of this working in its current state. While it is a long shot, the only chance I will have is if the affair is over. I don't see another way to end it. Do you? According to my wife, she "loves" him and doesn't want to choose. Hell, for that matter, she doesn't care if he cheats on her--she still loves him. I never got that deal--and no, I wouldn't want it either. So you see there's something not quite right about her thinking at this point and I believe that while this may be partially vindicitive, I also want the affair to end for two reasons. The first one being vindicitive in that I want her to suffer as I have w/ a broken heart and two, hopefully it will wake her up. Hell, I still love her. If she called tonight and said I'm an idiot and I'll never do it again--I would probably take her back. At this point though, I think I have more chance of winning the lotto and I don't play.

Keep in mind that I want accountability. I am in no capacity to dole out punishment. This will be just as hard for me to see through. If I stayed quiet she would walk all over me till she decides to file for divorce. And you may be correct in that the no contact order may drive them even closer. But think about this, for military members, when given a no-contact order, if violated, they can face charges under a court-martial if pursued. If that isn't enough to wake my wife and OM up, I don't know what is. As far as waiting for it's natural death, I don't believe I have the time and/or patience or desire for that matter to wait. Why would I?

There is a cycle that needs to be full before the WAS can get over the affair and unless it's time for it's "natural death" , dont count on her waking up and running back to you with remorse.

I honestly don't think this will ever happen and I think my time for wanting this is about at an end.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Accountability or punishment? You said if you ever got a shot at this marriage would be if the affair ended, and I AGREE. I also KNOW that the affair and the lingering feelings will not die because of an "order". There is a cycle that needs to be full before the WAS can get over the affair and unless it's time for it's "natural death" , dont count on her waking up and running back to you with remorse.

I disagree. An affair is only slightly less likely to STRENGTHEN in its intensity as it is to "die a natural death," and every month it is allowed to continue will only bring more damage -- emotional, mental, financial -- even medical (disease).

I agree that it's PREFERABLE for a wayward spouse to "do the right thing," and come back of their own accord, but if they've steadfastly refused to do so, I think the next-best thing to do is to do what can be done to hasten its demise, before its addiction grows even stronger and the family is destroyed even more.

There is a cycle that needs to be full before the WAS can get over the affair and unless it's time for it's "natural death"

I have never seen any research to substantiate this, nor has it been my experience. What do you base this on, Kalni?

Puppy

[Kalni]

I am not saying what you will do is right or wrong. When I first found out about my H's affair (that he still denies) I almost sent an email to the OWs boss to let her know. Thank God I didnt, cause it wouldnt do anything in the long run.
I did expose the affair, to H's father, my parents, his family, our friends... I never told my kids cause they wouldnt understand, they were 5 & 6 at the time.

I just wanted to make you think -again- where will it bring you, what results do you wish to have and prepare for results you may not like.

OK, regarding her career, sorry I didnt know. I thought she would get discharged or something. I guess not to be promoted is not a very high price to pay. Consequences are part of the game.

AFWAW, I stronly believe that "a wake up call" of this kind will only have an effect on their R, IF there are other issues between them, you dont know about. Maybe the fact that he is "cheating" on her is one for her. Maybe he will show his true colors and she will realise he isnt worth it.

It's a risk you are taking because the other side of it is that their dirty little affair gets a romantic boost of "two lovers fighting for their true love" crap that she may make up in her mind to hold on to it. I dont know if you understand what I am trying to say.

Since you have already decided to do it, if it matters at all, I want to state my support to you. I hope she manages to see thru her anger and realise it's just you fighting over your M and not you punishing her.
My only advice at this point, is to try to stay calm and be prepared for her reactions.

This is a long rollercoaster ride. For all of us. Patience is the key to come out of it and still be sane. Even if she does get the wake up call, embrace yourself because it will take time to get to other side. Whatever that will end up being for you.
K

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Kalni brings up many valid points...not that I agree. I do think the only chance your marriage has at this point is to expose. You are correct in your thooughts that she will probably not get "punished" meaning she will not lose a stripe and will probably just get marked down on her EPR and no decoration. That will guarantee she will not be promoted...now if she is given a no contact order and she violates that then all bets are off on what her CC will do then. Most do not like to be disobeyed when issuing a written order...the implications are to broad for lack of detail in other areas to ignore.

Exposure will not end your marriage...the affair might but not the exposure...what the heck, if they are really in love then why not let everyone know...stay focused and do what you have to do...this is not the time to overthink every decision that you make...end the affair, take a break, then get on with working on your marriage.

V/R

[song]

While it is a long shot, the only chance I will have is if the affair is over. I don't see another way to end it. Do you? According to my wife, she "loves" him and doesn't want to choose. Hell, for that matter, she doesn't care if he cheats on her--she still loves him.

I think it is a longer shot to expect her to get over you ruining her career than for her to get over the "chemical rush" she is feeling from the affair. She's in MLC, and it takes time to run it's course.

I also want the affair to end for two reasons. The first one being vindicitive in that I want her to suffer as I have w/ a broken heart and two, hopefully it will wake her up.

Isn't there another way you can expose the affair without going through channels? What about letting the OM wife know? Doesn't she have a right to know before she hears it through channels?

At this point though, I think I have more chance of winning the lotto and I don't play.

I honestly think you have zero chance if you expose her to her command. You cannot unring this bell once it has tolled.

[Kalni]

Puppy,
I guess we have different views and experiences on this. I agree that the affair/feelings may eventually die, IF they agree to no contact and are both determined to stay apart. AF's wife doesnt sound at this point like a woman that would for example ignore OM's attempts to contact her. That's why I said his best chance is that HE (OM) backs off and sticks to no contact.

She is probably also fighting to win him over from his wife. Yes, I know how that makes you feel but it is the truth. And I am not here trying to stop AFWAW from exposing the affair, I made that clear and I also stated I did the same (no army issues for us of course).

Feelings dont die with orders. That's my belief and my personal experience. It is not that simple. I wish it were. My H tried to connect with me BEFORE he moved out and although I usually vent here about him, I also very often say he is a decent person that acted ...not very decently. He tried, he wanted to, no one forced him to, he struggled to "get back to me", he still couldnt do it. He was in love. He knew right from wrong, he loves our kids very much. He couldnt do it. Their affair, it seems (that's my trust issues speaking), died when it was supposed to.

Mental, emotional cost? Yep, why do you think I still post to separated? This one year took its toll on me. Financial cost? Of course I agree, and I strongly suggest to everyone here to get protected and their ducks in row as you guys say. Medical? Sure, dont have sex with your Spouse while he is in an affair. Why should you?

I told you about my personal experienece. Research? Everything I have read, says that the limerance (spelling?) phase of a R (affair or not) is the crazy period. You often talk about hormones, and I have read that as well connected to this period. People are reported to do crazy things over their lovers while in this phase only to realise later their "perfect soulmate" was made up in their head and they werent worth it. People on this board even, have spouses that realised their affair parnters were not worth it but after "the magic" period was over. Unfortunately, this phase lasts from 6 months to 2 years sometimes.
K

[AFWAW]

I think it is a longer shot to expect her to get over you ruining her career than for her to get over the "chemical rush" she is feeling from the affair. She's in MLC, and it takes time to run it's course.

Maybe, but she has stated that she is going to continue to have the affair w/ this guy until he moves in Oct. What other options do I have? Let her continue and be a doormat?

Isn't there another way you can expose the affair without going through channels? What about letting the OM wife know? Doesn't she have a right to know before she hears it through channels?

I wish there was but at this point I don't know what it is. I don't know the OM's name yet. My friend didn't go to work this morning but he is going to try to find out the info before I have my appointment. I would love to tell her and I may if I get the opportunity if I can locate her but, she's not in the same state so I don't know how effective it will be.

I honestly think you have zero chance if you expose her to her command. You cannot unring this bell once it has tolled.

A damn fine point and believe me I will probably wrestle w/ my decision until I expose. You may be correct but do you really think I'm going to wait around till Oct to find out? Seriously, what would you do? I don't know that her career may be over and neither do you. No one knows that. They may just pull her into a room and try to scare her--no one knows what the outcome will be until it happens. After exposure, if she wanted to come home, which I doubt(in other words, I agree w/ you), she would have to do a lot to get back into my good graces and I don't think it's going to happen. In other words, I think my marriage is over either way but do I do the wrong thing, allow this to continue and these two people continue down this path of self-destruction and take God knows how many people with them or do I do the right thing, turn them in and hope that this was the wake up call that is needed and they repent. It's a fine question and I'm sure it will be dramatic to watch unfold.

Seriously Song, do you think I'm doing the wrong thing? I'd really like to save my marriage but I honestly don't know what else to do.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Feelings dont die with orders.
K

No one's advocating "orders." Feelings DO die from no-contact, and what I'm advocating is trying to get no-contact via aggressive exposure, since she is SO headstrong in her unwillingness to end it (even tho she admits it's destructive for her).

It's not the strong boundary that makes feelings die. It's that continued contact PRECLUDES feelings from dying, physiologically, so that the sooner you can separate the addict from the source of their addiction, the better chance you have -- in my opinion.

Puppy

[mindfull]

AF - Be strong!