Sandi's in Piecing and it's getting better

[In Limbo]

Sandi,
I know you have so many folks you check on that I'm not sure how you even do it. You're the only one really looking at my thread and I'd really appreciate if you could pop over to my sitch and give some of your advice.
Thks.

[Hope4us]

Hi Hope4us.

I've been at this for a little over a year now like yourself. I do see glimmers of hope between my W and I, but it's going to take time. And you're right...alot of patience on my part.

Do you have a thread going now?

Yeah, it's here in piecing. Might be back a page as I haven't updated it for over a week. Was out of town for work for a week and I'm still buried getting caught up. I'll post an update soon.

The majority of my sitch was over in Infidelity if you want to see the long story. My W's A started in Mar 07, I got confirmation in Sept 07. Exposed to OMW in Oct 07. W met OM once more after that and kept trying to arrange meets (he moved ~200 miles away in Aug 07) so when I decided to file for divorce in Mar 08 (after the latest meet attempt) I told my kids what was going on and that was the end of the A.

So I've been at this for over 2 years from when I first became suspicious and over a year since the A ended. Still not sure if there isn't some contact while she's at work, but if there is, I picture it as "hey, what's going on" kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'll post an update on my sitch when I have more time.

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

Just to keep you updated on my sitch, I bought my W a Happy Nurses Day card and plan to slip it into her purse tonight so she'll find it tomorrow at work. We'll see how that goes.

There is one thing that's been bothering me through all this. It's the fact that she's had her ring off for over a year since all this started. I know I shouldn't push to have her put it on since she's in her confused state, but I guess I feel a bit insecure thinking that other men will see that and take that as an open invitation to ask her out.

I also have the nagging worry that to her she thinks she is single again. I've kept my ring on this whole time and used it as a point of focus when I would stray. I just wish she'd do the same. Did you take your ring off?

[Hope4us]

There is one thing that's been bothering me through all this. It's the fact that she's had her ring off for over a year since all this started. I know I shouldn't push to have her put it on since she's in her confused state, but I guess I feel a bit insecure thinking that other men will see that and take that as an open invitation to ask her out.

I also have the nagging worry that to her she thinks she is single again. I've kept my ring on this whole time and used it as a point of focus when I would stray. I just wish she'd do the same. Did you take your ring off?

Mine too Stuck. It'll be two years in Sept that she took them off. In the last year she's said a couple of times she's got rings for her fingers, but still hasn't put them on. I suspect that's a big road block for her in that she feels if she puts them on that I'll think everything is fine, when in reality, it's not. I've kept my ring on the whole time save a couple month period when I was ready to file for D.

Obviously we know that a woman (or man for that matter) having rings on doesn't stop our spouses or OP's from doing what they're going to do.

I use her lack of wearing her wedding rings and the anniversary ring I got her for our 20th as a reminder that I need to keep the changes going. I'm not going to lie, it hurts like he**. But whether she wears them or not doesn't change the sitch.

[sandi2]

Hummmmm........the "ring thing". Well, actually I was very young and very thin when I received my wedding ring and the fact is that after all these years, it is too small for me..... I kept meaning to have it enlarged, but just got out of the habit of wearing it. I have never been a "ring" person like a lot of women are. In fact, I don't wear much jewelery at all. The same thing with my H. He caught his ring on something at work once and nearly ripped his finger off, so he stopped wearing his. Of course, he's gained weight and would have to have it enlarged. But, we just got out of the habit and really don't think anything about it anymore. Maybe other people notice, but it doesn't cross my mind.

However, I do know from posts of the men here on the board that it is a tender subject for them when their wife has been involved in an affair and has stopped wearing her rings. It is a hard question to answer b/c I think it would depend on the individual person so much. But my advice to the men would be not to say one word about her not wearing her rings. When she gets ready......she will do it. Her reasons may be deep or they may be as simple as mine are. Probably not.....but who knows. Let me ask this question to both of you men who have brought the subject of rings up........is your W wearing any other ring on her hands? If there are no rings at all, then maybe she is just not a "ring person". But if there are rings on nearly every finger....then, I would certainly say it is b/c she does not want to wear the wedding ring....period! Does she wear a different ring on the finger her wedding ring would go on? Do you think there is a chance that she has gone so long without wearing it that she hasn't thought about it? Am I putting wishful thoughts out here?

BTW, Stuck, I think the card on Nuses Day was a good idea! See how she responds (or not) and then you will have a better idea about the show.

Well, I wasn't very helpful. Sorry about that. I find it interesting, though, that more LBH bring up the subject of the wedding rings then the LBW do. Wonder why that is?

Talk to you later,
Sandi

[song]

Sandi,

I know you watch a lot of sitches, and help a lot of people, so I wanted to cross post this from my thread to make sure you see it.

{{{{{Sandi}}}}},

Thanks for stopping by, and for not giving up on me. I just read your post to Antlers, and I am just overwhelmed by your selflessness in helping all of us tortured souls. Like I wrote on his thread,I truly felt God speaking to me, through you. I woke up this morning and prayed for Him to give me a sign, and when I read your words to him, let's just say the waterworks started. But not tears of sadness, tears of release, and hope, and faith. I can't explain it, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Sometimes I come here and and just get so down reading of others pain, and I try to offer words of support and encouragement, but I wonder if I should keep coming back. Then I read a post like yours, and I know I'm being brought back here for a reason.

I read where (I think it was you) that said you weren't sure how to turn your wife over to God and let Him have the job of taking care of things. Not the exact words, but was that you?

Yes, it was me. And again, your response is spot on.

Thank you, and God, for what you do Sandi. You are making a profound difference in people's lives. Love you too!

[Dr LOve]

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY....Sandi

Have a great day

Doc

[sandi2]

Ahhhhh, Song......you are a sweetie! Thank you for such kind and thoughtful words. It makes it all worthwhile. I truly do pray for you all and want to see these M's work. I know they can, but the world is tearing so many apart. However, God's power is awesome and I have seen Him do some mighty things in my time. Don't give up.

Dr. Love! How are you? Thank you for that Mother's Day greeting. Actually, I had a great day. First Sunday I have felt like a human being in a long time, so I am hoping things are looking up where my health is concerned. I am also encourage about my MR. Baby steps....you know? But, it works and it is very well worth it.

Take care all of you on the board that holds a special place in my heart.

Sandi

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

Just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Mother's Day.

You've been such a great mentor, you're almost like a mother to the rest of us! LOL.

Oh, going back to the ring thing...my W did where her rings before, but now has taken all of her rings off even the ones on her other fingers. All of this happened when she left the house during the separation.

I think the ring issue is a touchy one because it represents us as a couple. The ring was also a "sign" to other single men that she's a married woman. Without it, she seems to be saying that she's available. Which is something that I think she wants.

During Mother's Day, my W seemed pretty distant. In fact, several times, I thought she was going to get up and tell me she was done with the M and leave. Really odd.

I just got her a card, some flowers and a balloon that I gave her from our Ds and washed her car. She just acknowledged it with a "oh thanks for washing my car". Very unenthusiastically.

Was this all part of the depression you were talking about? This walking on eggshells around her is driving me nuts!

[sandi2]

Thanks for the good wishes Stuck. I do feel like a mother to so many of the people here.

I wouldn't worry too much about your W's mood on Mother's Day b/c I do think it has to do with her adjusting and trying to get back on track. It is hard to explain, but some holidays seem to be tough and Mother's Day may have brought a lot of guilt feelings up for her. She was probably thinking that she could not be voted the Mother of the Year. It is "pressure" for her b/c of feeling guilty--and also she may have been on edge not knowing if you all would make a really big thing out of it. I mean, she probably would have been hurt if the kids had not remembered her, but at the same time she may have been tense and just wanting the day to pass and get it over with. I know I'm not doing a good job of explaining, but it is hard to put into words. I remember how I felt back when......and it was not a good feeling. It takes us mothers a long time to forgive ourselves....as I've talked about before.

I do wish you could get past the feeling of walking on egg shells b/c somehow that usually is felt in the atmosphere and just makes things at home tense for everyone. If you could just learn to be yourself and relax, then I think she would relax more herself. I feel that she can read you well and it probably is getting on her nerves for you to be walking on egg shells all the time. Truth be known, she may feel like screaming at you and saying, "losen up" and act naturally!

Don't let what I say make matters worse for you b/c it was intended to help you. You are trying so hard that I think maybe you are trying too hard, and are watching her every move and every word too carefully. Believe me, that comes across to her loud and clear and she will begin to resent it and she will feel like telling you to "stop it". The problem is......she won't, more than likely. That is the thing with a lot of women......they won't say some of the things they should say and say things they shouldn't instead. So, again, she can feel a pressure from you--b/c she feels you walking around her on egg shells and watching her so carefully.......even if you think she doesn't. That is one of the quirks that comes from being married to somebody for any length of time.....

I believe it would help the MR tremdously if you could focus on your self improvements, the kids, and getting a life......and don't forget to still give her some space. All the stuff you learned from DBing at the start...is to continue. I believe it was Jack the Bean that said he would continue to DB the rest of his life. That is the secret b/c too many stop when they think they have won the war.

Piecing is hard, I won't deny that! However, I have confidence that you can do what you are suppose to do. The rest is up to her. I know you get so tired of hearing me remind you that it takes a lot of time, but if I could not see how things are so much better between my H and I......I could not continue to try to encourage you to stick with it. It is worth it, I promise.

Take care,
Sandi