PA or MLC or both?

[Fallgirl]

Thanks for that insight K.So not only does H offload the blame on to me for his anger, he`s dumping the guilt onto me too. Makes sense of why he`s behaving like he is.I`d hate him to be dealing with tremendous anxiety too. Guess he is.

Didn`t get back to him to validate but have been sweet and light around him despite his latest little outburst. It might help.

Thanks very much for that advice.BTW not Mother`s Day here but hope you enjoyed yours!

[breakaway]

Hi. Thanks for stopping by my thread.

Three words: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

You're not crazy, he is.

[Fallgirl]

Dont know if NPD fits the bill breakaway. But I`ll research it a bit more. Meanwhile I have to add thatI love your name!That`s exactly what I`m trying to do-breakaway!

H has taken a couple of days off to go `home` as he calls it-his parents` place.(Guess this here with his family isn`t really home! LOL!)

Anyway, I feel so free and light! Didn`t know what to do with myself yesterday evening. No looking at a scowling face. Just me and the kids(and no, the kids don`t miss him either).

I`m begining to feel that my LRT is really about breaking away from him. Just slowing moving off from his path onto my own great journey through life. What do I miss about him? I just realised how crap our M has been for the past two years at least and that he`s doing nothing about it either. Oh go play with the girls in the office H I really don`t care.

My only concerns are practical. The recession is having a huge impact here(as elsewhere) and I just want to make sure the kids get through college.

And I don`t want to deprive them of their Dad. In fact if he had them every second weekend I`d have a great break and me having them all week is pretty much the way it is anyway as H is too preoccupied during the week to have anything much to do with them.

He does damn all around the house so I certainly wouldn`t miss him there.

So, its just money and the kids keeping us together.

No, definitely not a DB post. But just happens to be the way I feel right now as I relish my freedom for another day and night.

[Fallgirl]

Still feeling iffy about staying married. Particularly as I really enjoyed the peace of H being gone for the past couple of days.

Have decided though-since I`m undecided, I`m just gonna make another set of goals for me and one of my chief aims is to try lots of different and lots of things differently. So...

I`m going to do yoga/walk every morning
Eat breakfast with the kids, switch from my usual cereal to a very varied menu.
Meet H with a Hi AND a smile ev morning(That`ll take a lot of acting!)

Really put a lot of focus on my job. I love it but just haven`t been fully present in it for the past few months.It payback time now!

Make a few changes to my wardrobe. I`ve been very good about dressing well, just gotta make a few changes now.

Change my perfume

Going to change the CDs in the car. Change my route to work. Change my post work routine with the kids.

Do one adventurous thing every day-with or without the kids from trying a new food to going someplace different.

I`m going to contact lots of my old friends and arrange meet ups for over the summer.

I`m going to do a lot of painting in our home. Use more fresh flowers, buy a few pics to brighten it up.

I`ll invite some friend/neighbour over to our home once a week.

I`ll play a game with the kids every day.

I will never be on the PC when H is around. Too busy GAL for that!

I will start some art or craft project in the next couple of days.

Any more suggestions?

[Fallgirl]

Changing things round has worked very well for me so far. Yeah, early days I know but its perking me up and getting me back on track to personal happiness.

Bought new sheet music for myself yesterday. I love to escape from it all by playing piano and it was time for the household to hear something different.

Went to a cafe with the kids.

Was in good form by the time I got home though H was sullen. He did nothing around the house. Ate the dinner me-without thanks and dumped his plate in the sink, then fell asleep in front of the TV.

At least, I thought he was asleep. I was getting texts during this time a couple of friends, my sister, small talk. This happened maybe three times, then suddenly he `woke` up grabbed my phone and started to look at the texts. I told him it wasn`t his phone(he`s bought the exact same one as me recently)but he still continued look at them. My son(yes, two kids in the room...) looked at the phone too and said Dad its definitely Mum`s phone.

Didn`t bother me if he reaad the texts. Im not having an affair or sending sex texts to someone like he did to his colleague.

But I bit my tongue and smiled and said "I promise you it is my phone" which he knew anyway as my sisters name popped up on the last text.

WTF is all that about? I`m convinced he`s getting nuttier.

Of course he didn`t apologize. Just said nothing. I smiled and sang on, and went off about my business cos I don`t think confrontation is going to help anything. And how can I set boundaries for that kind of behaviour if he`s just plain crazy?

Did all the things I promised myself this morning to make this a new, different day. Said `Good Morning' to him in the cheeriest tone I could muster.He asked if he could take the kids to school(I always do) I asked could he take them home from school too.(Of course not-even though he has the day off;other plans)

Anyway, smile on. I putting my heart into other places and taking it back from him.Don`t suppose that`s what divorcebusting is all about but its where I am right now!

[Purple]

Your h's behaviour reminds me of something that used to come up on SmartCookies threads.

"It is the responsibility of the person in pain to speak up"

ie if something is bothering him, he needs to speak up.

[Purple]

Can anybody find that post (if they know what I'm talking about, that is?)

[Fallgirl]

Oh it bothers him hugely that I`ve spoken about our sitch to my family and a couple of trusted friends. He hates that they know about`the secrets of our marriage` and feels that he is the aggressor and why can`t I pretend that everything is ok.

I`m actually at the point of just getting on with things and not sharing my sitch with my family anymore though I`ll answer truthfully what questions I`m asked. Not pretending all is wonderful either, since it plainly isn`t, but that there is more to life, me and the kids can still be happy and we`ll hang like this until something can be figured out.

Thanks for dropping by Purple!

[Fallgirl]

Oh it bothers him hugely that I`ve spoken about our sitch to my family and a couple of trusted friends. He hates that they know about`the secrets of our marriage` and feels that he is the aggressor and why can`t I pretend that everything is ok.

I`m actually at the point of just getting on with things and not sharing my sitch with my family anymore though I`ll answer truthfully what questions I`m asked. Not pretending all is wonderful either, since it plainly isn`t, but that there is more to life, me and the kids can still be happy and we`ll hang like this until something can be figured out.

Thanks for dropping by Purple!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Fall,

Actually it's not so much pretending that everything is ok, its just that much harder to come back when everyone knows that crap he has done, because now not only does he feel that you are going to judge him but now EVERYONE you told is going to judge him. Before you think that is fine...

Try to imagine how easy it is to come back after admittiting you screwed up and live like that.

That is why you don't talk to everyone you both know about this problem. But...you'll find out.

If you want to punish him...fine...down the road you have just made it harder to resolve this. If you keep telling your friends and family then it makes it even harder and harder for him to come back.