Yesterday S16 came round (out of the blue). It was lovely to see him but then he dropped the bombshell that H wanted to come round and collect the things he had said he wanted in our agreement. Note this is the very same agreement that he is now refusing to sign and is now demanding virtually double the money we agreed on.
I thought about it and then said yes he could come but he only had an hour to remove everything he wanted and anything left after that I would be keeping until he signed the papers.
S16 said he wanted some other things that weren't in the agreement and i said he couldn't have those. S16 said H had told him they were tools that belonged to other people. I gently pointed out that H had been gone 3.5yrs and surely if these people wanted thier things they would have asked beforehand. I knew H was lying but I wasn't about to shoot the messenger.
I got v. upset just at the thought of him coming.
I made sure that everything he wanted out of the garage was out on the drive waiting for him when he came. I knew that otherwise he would take things that weren't his and we hadn't agreed upon. I sat with S16 on the drive until H came and then I went inside. I didn't want to see him.
A lot of the stuff was gym stuff, weights etc but there were also two bikes. It was obvious they weren't all going to go in the car at the same time. Nevertheless he didn't turn up until 3.45pm.
they loaded the stuff into the car and S16 asked if I would put the two bikes behind a locked gate whilst they were gone. I agreed to this but said he should let me know when they were on their way back so that they were back on the drive again when they needed them. I wasn't taking any chances. I had already warned S16 that if H tried to take anything that wasn't his I was calling the police. It didn't come to that thankfully.
When they left with the first lot of stuff they took with them a toolbox full of spanners. He hadn't asked for this but I gave it him anyway as I knew that even if a job arose that needed them I wouldn't have clue where to start. taking them first time was a big mistake on Hs part.
One bike was very expensive (given to H by BIL) and the front wheel just slipped off that (its a racing bike). the other one though needed spanners. Oops the spanners were no longer here!
So to cut an even longer story short they had to leave without the second bike and a smaller weights bench that they also couldn't fit in. S16 came back in the house to wash his hands and told me that H has given him a message that he would sign the papers and then come to the house, walk through it and take whatever he wanted. The remaining bike was one that he had been using as his own had been stolen. I told him that if he came and made it roadworthy he could take it whenever it was ready.
H and I never spoke to each other and he didn't see me. In retrospect part of what happened was probably my fault but I wanted him to see that he couldn't bully me into submission anymore. Besides given his refusal to sign the papers he is very lucky that I even agreed he could take his things.
Anyway it's done now. I will have to take on the chin whatever further consequences come my way as a result.
I started reading a book this weekend. It's called the Memory Keeper's Daughter. It's quite sad, has no bearing on any of my life but this coupled with yesterday's incident has left me feeling with a profound sense of loss and like the woman in the book I don't know why (exactly). I really thought I had got past the grief stage but clearly I haven't.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
May I offer up a suggestion to you? Have your h make a list of those items in the house that he wants. Have someone there the day he does the walk thru and stick to the list of items he wants. If it is something that you have purchased, you do not have to give it to him.
When my xh was demanding certain things from the home, he came w/two police officers. I have everything stacked neately in the guest bedroom and then allowed him to walk thru the house. The one and only thing he wanted was a cross stitch picture that I done and just recently had framed. I told him that he couldn't have it. Well...he left with his plastic Easter Egg, the second set of keys to his truck, his baby photos and some other stuff that I found in the attic that he would most likely ask for later. I gave him two other chance that same day to take whatever he wanted, but his comment was "I'll make a list". I advised him no, you take what you want today or you will not be afforded another chance. He advised his lawyer that he still had personal items in the house. I advised my lawyer he came, got what he demanded (on the list) and he left...I pulled out the paperwork that the police officers had written up for me. Needless to say, he got nothing more.
Stand your ground on items that you feel you will need. He's been gone a long time and this stuff about items belonged to someone else, then he should have them ring you up and request a pick up time w/you. Your h is trying to get everything he can and he's done nothing to meet you half way. Document whatever he's taken just in case in comes back and says he didn't get it.
You did well...stick to your guns on this one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Also, just remember that these tools have financial value, even if you couldn't use them, you could've sold them. This should be taken into account when divying up things, I would think. A $500 spanner does not equal an old $150 bed, for example.
Stay strong, ACJ. This too shall pass and will be but another event in your life to chalk up to experience, if a somewhat horrifying one. BTW, thanks for checking in on my thread. Appreciate it very much.
I love Naej's advice --- these deserters can't just come back after a few years and suddenly feel they can just 'walk through the house'. Get him to make the list, and put the stuff on the front porch (or wherever) and have a police officer present (as a witness) at the time of the appointment. If he is more than an hour late, then he should make another appointment.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
thanks for the advice Snodderly. The reason he wanted these things is b/c this is the list he sent to my solicitor before Christmas. So in essence we have already done what you suggested. I rang my L today to tell her the exchange had taken place. She said she wished I hadn't let him have the things as he hasn't kept his side of the bargain. However, when I told her he was trying to manipulate S16 (yet again) she fully understood why I had done it. As I also said to her if (or when) this goes to court no-one can say that I did not keep my end of the bargain and she agreed with me on this too.
Naej now that I am back at work and have something to focus on other than an empty silent house I am feeling much better thank you. I think the sense of loss I was feeling was partly down to the fact that now I've completed my degree I no longer have the distraction that's been there since just after H left. I do intend to go onto futher study but first I need to get my boss to agree to release me and that isn't going to be easy. She is all for advancing herself but isn't very forthcoming when others wish to do the same!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Glad your feeling better Alison and all the H dealings got reported to your solicitor.
Hope your still getting out and about, I understand the down when you don't have to focus on studying,try to get the balance though. It is easy to pile on the work/study/distractions instead of "living" with the what is and making a life for you.
Hope you understand that,didn't quite read as I thought it in my head-lol. Senior moment perhaps.
I don't remember giving any, I think Being Me meant Snodderly's.
Oops! Indeed it was Snodderly's --- just blame the radiation head ---- hahahaha!!!
ACJ, I hope you do further your studies --- for my part, I love being at school, and learning new things. It's what's kept me sane in the last year.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
As you all might remember for the past two years in the summer I've had tennis lessons. So now it is nearly summer again and I have finished my studies I thought I would sign up again.
the guy who runs the lessons told me I could go on Tuesdays at 7pm. In other years I have not had to join the club where the lessons take part. Last week when I went they told me they had changed their policy. I could have 6 free lessons and then if I wanted to continue I would have to become a member. I can't afford to join but I thought I might as well have the 6 free lessons and take it from there.
Tonight when I went I queried the 'free' bit as the guy who I book the lessons with said it is still £10 a lesson. They told me I did need to pay him £10 a lesson but that the 'free' bit referred to me not having to be a member. She then told me that I would have to pay a £5 visitors fee every time I went for those first 6 weeks. I said I didn't get charged that last week and she said that was her mistake. So in actual fact they are really charging £15 a lesson and are trying to railroad people into becoming members (at least £300 a year). So after my lesson I sent the guy who organises them a TM saying I would send him a cheque for the two lessons I've had but that I won't be going again. I won't be bullied into joining a club I can't afford (it just strikes me a bit bizarre that during 'good' economic times they were happy to let people just have lessons and now during 'bad' economic times they suddenly become elitist). It's a shame b/c I really loved going. Looks like I'm going to have to try even harder to find something to replace studying.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Sorry about the tennis lessons, I had to give up some classes I took because of finances and so did several others so instead of no increase this year they put them up by several pounds, makes no sense.
Does your local authority run any at a municiple park or centre they are often much cheaper and no club fees.Just when we need to get out more and do some sort of ahem exercise we find we can't afford it. On that cheery note I am off to walk the dog, least thats still free.
I am sorry about the tennis. You are right, during the "bad times" hardly anybody wants to do something for less money. I hope you can find something like naej suggested. Good luck. (((HUGS)))
