He called me at lunch and said he'd read 3 or 4 chapters so far. Heis responding really well...he said he was surprised because it wasn't blaming or saying he was a dickhead or an [censored] or anything, that he just needed to change his behavior. He thought it was a really interesting perspective...
He commented specifically that he does just try to dominate me and the kids, yelling and shutting us down, simply to have his way and be selfish and not have to deal with anyone or anything. That he doesn't want to deal with anybody's feelings, he just wants to go on and do his own thing and have his own way. The interesting thing was how he was discussing this with me...just very matter of factly and not all..."I'm a horrible person"...or instead, raging and being defensive and blaming. It was just a normal OBJECTIVE conversation. WOW. Somebody pinch me!
He says he doesn't quite know what to think about Stosny saying that dominating everyone hurts himself as much as it hurts others, that it brings him down as well. He said he's having a hard time understanding all of it...but he clearly was understanding and recognizing some of what he does and that he can change that behavior. So it was very good, him talking about specific behaviors and how damaging they are and those are practical changes he can make.
He also seemed impressed about the parts that explained how moods travel through a family...and for him to come in the front door and start yelling at the kids to start picking up was terrible and he should stop it.
He said that it was helping. He said he knows he needs to be different but he didn't know what to do. Like, he knows he should "love us more" but what does that mean? I don't want to get my hopes up, guys...but he was SO nondefensive and interested in LEARNING...
One other thing was that he understood from the book that if I'm angry or upset or in a bad mood, he shouldn't jump in and start arguing with me, but that I need HELP. I said, well a hug is a lot better than a push. And he was like, yeah! Why didn't I think of that?
Well, because your dad is an [censored], that's why you never thought of that. ;P
He did make the point that it might take him some time to learn how to act, but I thought that was even a good sign, instead of him acting like, well gee I've got it now honey, everything is perfect now. And he also said the book really showed him HOW BAD all this has been for the kids...and he's very sorry about that. but not that emotional abuser kind of sorry. He said he hoped it wasn't too late to fix things for the kids, and I said it's never too late for that, they respond to positive changes pretty quickly. Even adult children do I think, some compassion is all some people want from a parent even when they grow up.
