I Never Imagined Being Here

[AJM]

My mindset is getting firmer with the idea that my situation isn't the end of the world. I still have down moments, but the highs seem to be much more prevalent. I had the best nights sleep that I have had since the bomb last night and I woke up with high spirits.

Is it normal/healthy to develop this type of mindset?

I agree with Robx. It's standard script. Might be in their DNA. Doesn't mean it doesn't have some truth in it, though does it? You're going and getting an MBA and changing jobs creates some stress and some away time, right? Did you grow apart at that time? Be honest. I'm not saying you did it alone. I'm not saying that you did. I'm asking the question. I see some truth in what she said, but I also see that she is trying to justify her reasons.

Best thing for you is to live well. Feel good about you. You cannot change her. Be kind to her even if she doesn't deserve it. She may be just generally unhappy, but that will eventually pass. While you are going through this and apart, think about what you could have done differently. Think about what is your part in this. Think how, in your next relationship - whomever that is with - you would do those things differently. Change you.

Once you figure those things out, is it really too late to try again? To reset? You'll have to figure that out at the time you get there, but you need to know that she has things in her head she has to work out as well. I have personally heard many of those that you describe during this time. I think many of us have. It's almost as if we're watching them work through their own feelings in front of us.

Know that you cannot help her in that process except to patiently give her time. You should listen to the people telling you to be careful talking to the MIL. That's dangerous ground because if things work out, she'll know too much. Consider telling her that you and W are working on some issues. Don't alienate them. Be careful what you tell friends as well.

WAS' watch like hawks. They'll notice as you change. They'll notice as you talk to people.

Be good to you and work on you. You have some things to work on from the sound of it but most of it is in her head and how she is dealing with life in general. You have to give that time in my opinion.

AJ

[robx]

Know that your W is going to be angry about many things you do or don't do. That doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. WAS often react negatively but they'll get over it. You cannot let the fear of scaring her away guide your decisions and actions.

Thank you for pointing that out, that is absolutely an area that I need to work on. When I am having higher moments, this is less of a problem. When I am feeling down, I go back over every action that I have done and over analyze how she may perceive it. I drive myself to a point of fear/panic that isn't healthy.

I certainly contributed to the situation that our relationship is in today. I took her for granted and kept the marriage on auto-pilot. I just always assumed that we were the high-school sweethearts that would be together forever. I didn't take the time or make the effort to stop and ask her how things are going in a sincere way. I was caught up in my own life and didn't place much effort in understanding what her needs are and how they have changed. I felt that by buying her the things that she wanted and taking her on nice trips, that was enough.

I was a very poor listener. When she would try and talk to me I quickly focused on finding an answer/solution instead of just listening and truly understanding. This is a trait that I am working on changing daily even with basic communication with co-workers and friends. I still have a ways to go on this. I have always known that she bottles up feelings and emotions. Knowing this, I should have put more effort in getting through to her.

When I finished my MBA last October, I told her that I wanted to start running with her. She had started the year prior and has done really well with it. She lost a lot of weight and built a lot of self-confidence. I did start running with her and ran my first 5K earlier this year. I was feeling good about it and was beginning to truly enjoy it. After all of this went down, she told me that she felt like I was pretending which hurt a lot. That isn't something that you can "pretend" to do for any amount of time. This may have been part of her justification.

There are lots of things to work on, no worries, life is about continuing to push forward, continuing to improve, continuing to do better and be better and you will.

We all contributed to how our relationships currently are. But don't take the lion's share of the problems or the burdens. Relationships are a DUAL responsibility, don't ever be bullied or beaten into thinking differently. She had a responsibility to communicate honestly and openly, women like to think that men are mind readers but really we aren't. Women have the emotional parts of the brains more developed that we do and therefore they are more intuitive, better at reading people & situations and it gives them an advantage when sizing up their husbands & future mates and also when communicating with others. The downside is that they assume we have the same ability and we really don't. The other downside is that they aren't as good as they like to believe, if they could read minds as well as they wish we could, they would know we're clueless and oblivious to most of this stuff.

Buying her nice things and thinking it's enough is a male way of thinking and it doesn't work, we're programmed that it works but it doesn't. In fact it's jerks that usually don't buy gifts for their gf's or wives that build more attraction with their partners instead of "nice guys" who go to the effort of doing the nice things and buying gifts.

It's all a form of manipulation though, when you buy gifts hoping they will love you for it and be with you for it, it's not genuine. Alot of guys will go overboard when their wives/gf's leave them and do just that, buy a $hit load of gifts and their wives/gf's see through it as manipulation and usually lost attraction even quicker for these guys because of this.

FYI - I was one of those guys. This past christmas though, I didn't buy her a thing, I was actually quite proud of it, I think she expected alot too but I think (and again it's my own perception) that her attraction for me has grown because of this. I'm trying hard to gain her affection, in fact I'm not trying at all (I moved her out in January).

When she lost a lot of weight and built alot of self-confidence, she started thinking back then that she could do better, don't ever think that her current mind set is something new, it's been building up in her for quite some time (possibly years).

Her telling you that you were "pretending" is just another excuse, a way of lowering your self-esteem while pumping her's up a few notches and it worked. You doubted yourself, questioned yourself, started thinking about all the things you've done wrong. I doubt she has that mindset now, you have to be confident now as well and you can't fake it.

[robx]

Well, there was a little contact this morning...

She sent a text responding to the message that I had sent earlier in the week. It went something like, "I enjoyed my trip back home. I really miss my family. How are you doing? Do I have any mail?".

I sent a brief response saying, "I am glad your visit with your family went good. I am doing well, keeping busy. Yes, you do have mail."

Not sure if my response was too brief or too cold, but I didn't want to come across clingy. I guess we'll see what comes out of this.

I think the brief response is the ticket.

It shows that you're not clingy.

You have to stop being clingy,
brief responses that don't ask questions or tell her how you feel about her and how you are doing are the way to go. Don't give her anymore information than is necessary. As a test, try responding with one or two word texts when she texts you and stop sending her text messages, you will only reply to her texts from now on and also don't reply immediately, take your time, I bet you respond within a few minutes of her texts while she takes hours & possibly days to respond - start doing the same.

[robx]

I am trying my hardest to focus on myself right now. This isn't always easy to do, but I feel like I am getting better at it. My highest points in the recent weeks have been when I was doing just that. Out doing an activity that I was enjoying and not worrying about how it is being perceived by the W.

Thanks for being here! ;-)

Do you notice that you are able to have good times without her, that's the key, getting a life and not worrying about her or what she does. Letting go of being needy & clingy.

Enjoy your life bro, don't let her determine the quality of your life and how much happiness you deserve - that's totally up to you and within your control!

[robx]

Is it normal/healthy to develop this type of mindset? I am certainly feeling much better, but I am also scared of crashing back to where I was. I am developing more of an "oh well" attitude regarding wondering what she is thinking and what her next move will be. These are feelings that I haven't felt before and is all quite new to me. The main fear that I have now is if I am doing everything right.

Crashing happens and when you do, you pick yourself up, don't feel bad for yourself and let go of wallowing in self-pity.

You don't have to worry about doing everything right, just worry about making you happy and that means focusing on you more and less on her.

Has she picked up her stuff yet?

[song]

Glad to see you back Rob, thought we had lost you

[robx]

Glad to see you back Rob, thought we had lost you

I was away for a bit but you can't keep me away forever.
It's good to be missed ;-)

[Making_IT]

Man, you all are great. I truly appreciate all of the support that you have provided through this event. I don't know how I would have made it without a support group like you have provided.

There have been some developments and I want to share them with you. Primarily the developments have been more on my end, but they certainly affect the marriage.

I have been getting out with friends and family a lot and truly enjoying spending time with each of them. Each day I felt stronger and stronger. It is kind of hard to describe, but I have been very comfortable with myself and the changes that I have made.

I have done a lot of looking within and thinking about what I want out of life. One thing in particular is that I want children before I get too much older. This wasn't a deal breaker in the marriage, but since everything has happened I have put much more thought into it. My wife has confirmed that she doesn't have a desire for children and likely never will.

Honestly, the separation knocked me to the ground completely. I feel like everything that made me the person that I am was turned against me to make me feel and look like a bad person. I feel like the majority of the anger towards her is gone and I am truly working on forgiveness. With that being said, this is not something that I feel I could ever forget.

I decided last week that I want to proceed with the divorce.

[Making_IT]

It does sadden me that our 15 yr relationship is ending like this. We have both invested a lot time, effort, sweat and love into it.

I can honestly say that since I have come to this conclusion, I have felt night and day better. The anxiety levels are no where near what they were. I am focusing much better on work and life in general. It feels like the right decision.


I initiated a meeting with her on Saturday afternoon and she was resistant at first. I told her that it is important that we speak in person and she agreed. I could hear the fear in her voice.

The meeting went well in my eyes. I felt strong, confident and knew what I wanted to convey. I explained to her that I have moved forward with my life and that I intend to keep doing that. I explained that I had to proceed with the mindset that what we had was gone and that I didn't feel that we could re-build things after everything that has happened. I told her that children is something that I want out of my future.

She was very sincere and receptive throughout the meeting. This is one of the few times that she has been this way since the bomb. She was very upset throughout much of the conversation which made me feel bad for telling her these things.

I did hear a couple of surprising things. One being that she said that she has never came to the decision that we were done. She was still undecided. Another thing was that she felt there hasn't been enough time as its only been two months and not the six months of her lease. I told her that it has felt like a lifetime and there is no way I could ever risk going that low again or living in fear that it could happen.

She acknowledged my stance on the situation. We discussed splitting up the remainder of the assets and what would be the best way to do that. So far all seems to be going smoothly and we both want to try to get lawyers involved as little as possible. I will likely get things rolling in the coming weeks to finalize.

I will continue to update this post as things progress as it may be useful for someone else going through a similar situation.

[pearlharbr]

Making_IT, I know I keep saying this, but it feels like deja vu. I remember being where you are. Sounds like you turned the corner. I'm happy that you have some peace of mind. In light of what your W said about not deciding your M was over I wouldn't be surprised if she came back in a while and asked you to give her and the M another chance. Once the LBS shows that s/he is really done and moving on the WAS is hit with reality and often realizes what s/he is losing and reconsiders.

Most people will tell you to keep an open mind if/when this happens. I know that I never thought I would let xBF back into my life because I didn't want to risk being that hurt again and I never thought I could forgive him. Well, here we are trying to reconcile.

But if the desire for children is an issue, I want to come down firmly on the side of not compromising. As a person who is childfree by choice, I feel very strongly about this topic. It is better to know now that you want to have a family and your W does not. There is nothing wrong with either choice but you are fundamentally not compatible.

I'm sorry it's come to this for the two of you. Please know that we are still here for you.