It's like a sick compulsion the desire for information that only hurts me. On the other hand, I pray for wisdom and discernment so how do I know if God's revealing stuff for a reason? Man, I'd love just one day of really detaching and not giving a rip what H does, how things turn out.
I used to wonder (and still do occassionally), if finding things made it easier for me to be angry and therfore back away.
As far as being completely detached, it takes time and even now I slide some. More than I'd like and probably more than I'd admit to openly.
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I waffle back and forth between is it best to keep standing for my marriage or is that demonstrating the wrong thing to the boys, to myself and to H(doormat). I tend to be a person that avoids conflict and be too self-sacrificing (H has accused me in the past of always being the martyr/the victim).
You just described me in more ways thanI'm comfortable with. When you cna stop waffling at least some, you will have some "answers" present themselves for a place of peace. I think that's when you really know what's rght for you to do. If you can break out of the self-sacrificing mode (even just a little) it will help you. I use meditation to help me with anything I'm working towards in my life. If you're adventerous, give it a shot.
Congratulations on all your positives! I know how hard one some of thiese thngs are. Exercise is one thing that allows me to clear my mind and come up with (if not solutions) viable options.
Just keep bringing it all here, there are alot of good folks with big shoulders.
I am again struggling with him spending our $ on OW
IL, I feel your pain about this.
I set a boundary very early on in regard to spending. I would pay the household and joint bills, but would not pay any expenses related to his A. If he needed more money to cover those expenses, he could take it from our reserves, but I would take the same amount for myself. So I saw none of his A-related expenses from the beginning. We have now expanded our financial separation to include all non-family recreation, entertainment and travel. Neither of us has to answer to the other in any way about those things, and since his needs are greater than mine, I'm building up a bit of reserve for myself. Would something like this that work for you?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Did you discuss the spending on the OW with your H? I'm struggling with that b/c I'm not supposed to discuss OW or R with H. So how do I set that boundary?
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Do you think you are able to set that boundary right now? Cause if you are, I'm curious what that boundary is exactly and what are you going to do if he crosses it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Good to hear from you. I guess I want to take the same amount he's spending on OW and put it into a special account for me. Can I enforce that? Probably not.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
My H asked me early on what he needed to do to make sure I could meet expenses. I replied that it was more about equal access to our joint assets, and suggested what I described. He did not object, and since then has willingly split extra income or suggested we each take equal amounts. I can enforce it because I handle the money. Perhaps my H is more reasonable, or less willing to deal with money matters himself, or afraid of the repercussions from his family if he is unfair to me, but it hasn't been a problem so far. Knock on wood :-)
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Hi In Limbo, I've been catching up on your thread. See where you are very tempted to contact OW's H and reveal the EA. My advice would be not to do that. Several reasons, some of which you have named yourself. Have you thought that he may already know, just as you do? But, if you tell him, then he may feel forced to do something about it. I don't think the outcome would justify your problem with your H. Your H would either find another woman or get mad enough to leave you, but it would not make him stay faithful to his M or to snap out of the MLC. You are trying to control the stitch, no matter how you try to say that you feel sorry for the OW, etc. (and you may do feel sorry for her, I'm not saying you don't) but you are trying to "make" him give up the OW......and that IS controlling.
About boundaries......I have never been in that situation with my spouse, so I don't know that I am the best to give advice. However, I don't think you should give him a list of things he can or can't do b/c that certainly would not go over well. I think you have to take one thing at a time. Also, as Jack the Beans said, it is like paper if you threaten him and can't carry through b/c you have no power over it. Only make a boundary with what you feel you can actually do something about it if your H fails to respect it. It is all about what you are able to deal with. The first thing you need to do is to know what the deal breaker is for you. I think I have talked about this before. But it is very important that you know yourself before you go laying down any laws for him to live by. I think I suggested contacting Puppy Dog Tails about boundaries b/c he is pretty good about ideas for that. Jack the Beans is very wise. I agree with Jack, though, that you have to be prepared to back it up or it is useless. I would not be a doormat for him and allow him to treat me any way he chooses. He would show respect me (especially in my presence and in front of my children)or I would leave........that would be the dealbreaker for me, personally. I could not ML to him if I knew he was in an A, but a lot of women can.....so you just have to decide for yourself.......not what "I" would do.
I find it hard to believe that it has not gone to a PA level if they are going to movies and places together. However, maybe it hasn't if she has problems with me. However, I see your H flaunting it in your face, IMHO. But, then people today don't seem to think there is anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex going places together without their spouses. I say that is a bunch of stuff b/c it opens the door for problems. I have never seen friends of the opposite sex leave their spouses at home and go out together and there not be problems down the line. It is not meant to be. Is your H aware that you know he is going out places with her? That just seems very inappropriate to me. Call me old fashion, but I've been around long enough to see "stuff". I just could not accept that behavior, but as I said.....that is me....not you. You have to decide what you can deal with and what you won't stand for.
I know it must be very, very hard on you and we are here for you to vent to, cry, or ask questions. As you see, we all have an opinions.......
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
