I too played in a band when W and I met. My bands lyrics were about social consciousness when we were writing optimistically, but more songs than not had lyrics that were basically "Ooh baby you hurt me so much".
Now I listen back to them and realize that I had no idea about what real relationship pain was about back then. No idea at all.
Ok Song, I just tore up half my house looking for that CD and I found it! But the case is empty! Then I remembered that we had a bunch of cds in several leather carrying cases. I last saw these in one of H's drawers. But surprise, they're all gone.
While on this great search I discovered that he has also taken a toaster oven, a vacuum, and more of his clothes.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hey song, just wanted to let you know I am reading. I have been where you are like many of us. My H stayed away for months, we were living as divorced and although he refused to file everytime I suggested to get over with it, it was obvious he didnt want to come back to our M either. But, as soon as I accepted there was nothing I could do to make him make a decision and moved on, he started showing signs of interest. During that period my dad was disgnosed with cancer and had a couple of serious surgeries. Although, H was supportive, my attitude towards life hit a turning point. I stopped praying about my M (yes I am a Christian, an Orthodox but not as dedicated as many of you around here) and started praying about my dad.
Yes the pain you feel is unbearable but as we say in Greek, "God only "gives you" what you can handle". Accept it. Dont hold on to pain cause it will hold on to you.
Let her go. In your mind and soul, let her go. It's a decision. It's convincing yourself that you have no control over anybody else than yourself. It's scary isnt it? The ones we thought our lives were tied together, break that bond and prove to us we were wrong all along. Accepting it, will make you feel powerless at first but realising how you do control YOU, will make you appreciate your choices, your decisions. Stay strong, K
After a lot of great advice from really great people, I have come to a decision. For those of you who haven't been following my sitch here's a quick summary.
My W decided to get an apartment in October 2008. At first, I agreed that we would shift back and forth to minimize impact on our kids, but at the last minute I just couldn't do it and told her I was staying in the house and she would be at the apartment, and the kids would stay at home. She threatened to go to court to have kids go back and forth, so I conceded that they could shift without any legal action.
For 3 months we did that, and then in January, I decided that it was in fact best for the kids to have one home, so I told W that we could do the shifting back and forth. I saw what an effect it had on their schoolwork, organization and social lives, and really, having them shift back and forth was detrimental to them, and they are at such a pivotal time in their lives, I had to put what is best for them first and foremost. I also thought getting her back in the house, at least part of the time, was a pathway toward reconciliation. It's now been 4 1/2 months since the "nesting" and we are no closer to reconciliation, perhaps further apart.
I've decided that I will be moving home on Fathers Day, June 21, two days before school ends for them (last two days are fun days anyhow, as all grades are submitted June 19). Giving them the summer to adjust to the next change is better than doing it now, plus I can't think of a more fitting day to do it
Now I listen back to them and realize that I had no idea about what real relationship pain was about back then. No idea at all.
Hey Song,
How's your weekend? I know what you're saying about music! I can relate to many of the heartache songs in a way I never understood before. I find it can be a great way to release all of the sad/mad/hurt emotions in a healthy way.
I will also keep praying for you and the decisions that are coming up.
Me:28, first M H: 33, second M Married: 08/08 Bomb: 10/08 H filed D and deployed: 12/08 Served: 04/09 I deploy: 07/09 Hearing date: 08/09
My Weekend was quite good. After praying for a sign from God yesterday morning, I got one in the form of a post that Sandi posted to antlers, but really spoke to me in a profound way. Robx also provided some very good dialog, along with orangedog, Kalni, silver Fox, ppenton and Smileysperson, and I came t the decision that I ned to move back into my home at the end of my kids school year.
Last night my kids had a friend sleep over, and we had a blast going out for pizza and wings, shopping for mother's day gifts, making mother's day cards, playing poker and ending up the evening watching a really deep movie that resulted in some deep philosophical discussions with my sons and their friend. The movie was "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" and it is a WWII movie about 2 boys that become friends in Germany during the war - one is a Jewish boy in a concentration camp, and the other is a German boy who is the son of the commander of the concentration camp. Anyhow, it was a very moving movie, and a great discussion afterwards about mans inhumanity to man. It was one of those pivotal moments when you realize that your kids are even more amazing and compassionate than you thought.
We went out to brunch with W, and kids had a great time - w largely ignored me, no eye contact, no conversation other than short clipped answers to questions, but that was to be expected, at least we were all able to do something as a family.
I also got a sign this morning when we went out to the car to go to church, we found a hummingbird that seemed to be hurt. I coaxed him on to a stick, brought him out to our hummingbird feeder, got him to take a drink, and he took off and flew away. Stil trying to figure out the significance, but I do think it was some sort of sign.
I also got a sign this morning when we went out to the car to go to church, we found a hummingbird that seemed to be hurt. I coaxed him on to a stick, brought him out to our hummingbird feeder, got him to take a drink, and he took off and flew away. Stil trying to figure out the significance, but I do think it was some sort of sign.
song...I hate to continue to be the 'naysayer' (trust me...I will be the first one to step up to support you when true positivity is visible)..but looking for signs is going to torture you emotionally.
...a pleasant phone call from your W....a bird lands on your window...you see a rainbow after a thunderstorm...your wife throws a smile your way or cracks a joke.....
Hang on those things and you're taking a big emotional risk. Use those things as positive signs in that nature is beautiful and you are alive to enjoy it...that your W chooses to be amicable instead of vindictive....
As for songs I DO recommend that you surround yourself with 'positive' music and avoid the 'woe is me' stuff or the women songs saying 'I left that deadbeat behind and I'm a big girl now.'
Putting on your iPOD and listen to Seal's Song Love's Divine and apply it yourself...not the love of a marriage....begin to feel the rainstorm is lifing and learn to love and respect yourself....
Be aware that continuing to do things as a family...although looking good on paper...has the potential for hurting your kids by giving them false hope and also allowing your boys to learn and see how a woman should treat a man: they are looking at your wife treating you a certain way and you are accepting that behavior. Honestly....do you want your boys to be treated the way your wife is treating you and learn that as rote?
Again, song, I am not saying file for D..dump your W...and treat her like crap. I am simply saying to be aware. I see the potential for a lot of hurt because I don't see you detaching very well.
I DO pray that your marriage will be restored. I just think you need a better game plan.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You do have a way of interpreting things rather negatively, or maybe my writing just comes across as needy and whining. Reality is that I had a nice weekend, and it was nothing to do with my W. Like I said, we took her to mother's day brunch, and kids had a great time, and I was unaffected by her non-attention.
And the hummingbird? Nothing to do with W... We were on our way to church, saw one of God's beautiful creatures that was hurting or stunned, gave him a boost to get him back on his path, and enjoyed the tranquil moment interacting with nature. If I were to try and interpret it, I would probably look at it as, God puts others in the path of those of us who are injured or hurting to give us a hand when we need it, much like Sandi and Robx provided a helping hand for me when I needed it.
Maybe you think I'm asking God for signs that my W will return, or my M will improve, but that would be wrong. I'm more looking for a sign that I am following His will. If you read Sandi & robx's posts, they say the same things you have been telling me all along. let it go, turn it over to God, do what's right for me and my kids, and stop trying to do what I think W wants me to do, or what won't make her mad.
My game plan? are you referring to my decision to move back into out home on Father's day, or are you just saying in general that what I'm doing isn't working for me?
