AFWAW, I repeat one more time...are you secure with money and able to continue an acceptable lifestyle with you and your daughter when your W refuses to help, and she will. If not get that way quickly...are both of your names on the house? Did you use your VA entitlement? If so and her name is on the loan you may be able to get a streamline at a lower interest rate in your name only...depending on what kind of rate you originally got...now is not a good time to be forced into a sale with thousands in loss...something to think about
I wonder sometimes what is wrong with her and her attitiude...a mother, SNCO(close to retirement and E8/9 sounds possible), less than 5 years to retirement at 44ish yrs old, seems to not care who knows about it (and I agree with your gut...your CC probably has heard something and you and your W are going to be shocked on how many people know about her affairs, it is never a secret onbase and many people still live Core Values and the oath taken for SNCOs and are going to be very upset with her...for her to be so blatent about it to her co-workers is foolish. Not sure how familiar you are with the base emails but yes, they can retrive all of them, and I mean all of them. With her attitude I wonder sometimes if she is having an affair with her own CC as she seems to think that she will not get in trouble and he will protect her. The OM doesn't sound to smart either...did you look on global to confirm the name your daughter gave you from the computer game? Has she had a drinking problem before? I hesitate to even ask as I think this is just an easy out but has she had mental issues before, mid-life crisis, fear of turning 40, etc...FTR, if she starts comign up with BPD or other illness issues I would not be surprised although I would verify this myself.
The conversation with your daughter about her boyfriend was as inappropriate as it gets...tell you daughters counsler and get some advice on this...it could be time to consider supervised visits. Stress that you do not want any of the four OM around your daughter ever. If she balks at that you should immediately go for sole legal custody w/CS, and supervised visits...bottom line is no one, including your W knows anything about these OM, they could be some type of predators on young girls. All we know is they are already guilty of having an affair in violation of the UCMJ. Even if no proof can be found your CC can do alot with the "Good Order and Discipline" rule.
Exposure - do not give your wife any warning, do not tell her if she doesn't end the affair you will tell your/her CC. She already knows that and has repeatedly demonstrated that she doesn't care. I think you really let this go on to far with no consequence...if it continues much longer neither one of you will ever be able to repair the hurt that is going to happen. Do not let your pride prevent you from forgiving her but that doesn't mean you turn into a wuss either. Only you will know when it is over.
Talking to your CC is going to be emotional...try to organize you thoughts on paper. Tell him the truth, even if some of it is bad on you...you seem to be torn between your obligations as a SNCO, husband, and father. Normal...accept it. Protecting her from her own actions is not protecting her...do not expect this to be over instantly and for her to come running home to you crying and begging for forgiveness. Once the investigation starts you should make it clear that you do not want to talk to her about anything other than your daughter and you prefer that be done via email or text. Get your daughter a cellphone to talk to her mother. Tell your wife when she is ready to fix this marriage you are ready to talk...if she wants a divorce to talk to your lawyer (and by now you should have one).
What is your plan for when she comes to the house to chat, p/u daughter, p/u her stuff (box it for her to p/u, or have her do it while you and your daughter are out (decide on whats what beforehand or have your daughter go out with friends)
I have seen no contact orders given to mil/mil couples before...all visits had to have the Shirt with them...and it worked. He was in Iraq, came back, she had moved out with everything into a house with his friend that he had let stay prior to his deployment because he was divorcing...they worked togehter. Long story short...the "friend" was given a no contact order by the 1Sgt, they got caught and he got discharged. The couple are together for now (2 yrs +) and are doing well. I will also add that they spent alot of time with the church doing couple counseling at the beginning.
For now do nothing to work on the marriage...work on yourself. Take care of daughter, stay focused at work, do well at PT, meet all your suspenses, no alcohol!!!!! (what would you do if your daughter feel and got hurt while you were passed out drunk or to drunk to drive, this would ruin your custody case, and right now you are as close to guaranteed as anyone can be, do not screw it up!, this includes doing anything (angry phone calls) that could be considered domestic threats or violence. If you are that worried about what your W is telling your daughter (and you should be ) go get a court order for supervised visits until you both can calm down.
V/R,
If you have any questions ask now...there are some very smart, experienced people on this board...PDT. SMW, Lucky, etc
