Sometimes I think that the internally-driven emotional roller coasters are the worst.
Outwardly, the weekend was pretty good. Internally, however, I was on a real roller coaster.
It started off on Friday, with me contemplating strength and sexuality. I have always been a pretty self-confident person. That took a big blow in my M during the past few years, but I am now getting that back with my GAL, etc, so I am feeling pretty good about myself. Still struggling to "Get my mojo back" sexually, however. I don't mean in the actual act - I mean standing up, being open that I am a sexual being, openly desiring my W, confidently flirting, etc. My main confusion / barrier here is the dichotomy between "Be strong, open, and self confident" and "Don't pursue, no pressure"
On Friday, after a lot of internal struggling I convinced myself that pretending to be asexual and just allowing my W to lead at her own pace was not being true to myself and was not the best thing for any of us. After a lot of thought, I started to flirt with her, openly indicating that I wanted to ML later in the evening. I was fairly blunt about it, but was prepared to take rejection well.
She reacted badly: "I've told you it makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel pressured" (it never did in the early days of our M, just recently) "You aren't listening to me" "I'm worried about my Mom and don't feel like it" "Our M is a mess and I don't want to"
So I dropped it. No Issue.
The evening and Saturday were pretty relaxed. We hung out with the kids, did our own things, watched a couple of movies together, etc. She was a bit distant and uncomfortable at times, but I had decided that I was not going to wait for her. If I wanted a hug, I was going to hug her (and did). If I wanted to snuggle in front of the movie, I would ask her. I did and she moved from her spot on the opposite end of the couch to a position snuggling with me. If I wanted to kiss her, then I would. I did and she didn't push me away.
It bothered me a bit that she was not initiating anything. It left me in the position of wondering whether she was happy with it, or whether she was just being compliant (and hiding resentment...). This, however, just may be a "NiceGuy" problem that I have.
Sunday was a nice Mothers Day - The boys and I made a nice breakfast, then church and a relaxing day at home. Internally, however, I got angry.
I'm really not sure where the anger came from, but I was suddenly angry. I acknowledged to myself that the R had not been all that great for her either, but I still got really angry and left the house so that I could work it out without blowing up at my W. I was angry that for years (3+?) I had not gotten what I needed out of the R. I was angry that my W had emotionally pulled away (abandoned me?) and I recalled all of the slights and petty blows that I had felt from her over those years. I was angry at the pain that she had inflicted over me through the EA, and I was especially angry that I was the one doing all of the work to try to fix the R and that she seemed unwilling to put any real effort into it right now.
I walked, I journaled, I worked it out. The anger is still there, but It is not controlling me now. I was able to spend a happy evening with my W and kids without being angry or resentful.
At bed time for the boys, something interesting happened. My W tried to give S6 a good-night hug and he rejected her. She tried to force him, and he refused. The stand off continued and she got really angry and yelled at him "That's not acceptable. You don't do that! You give people hugs, you kiss them, you tell them you love them! It's what you do!" I had to leave the room so I didn't get involved, but I almost cracked up laughing it was so ironic. I wanted to record her words and play them back to her since this was exactly how she had been treating me for a very long time.
(Note: I asked S6 about it later and he said "She didn't say 'Please'!" )
We finished getting the kids in bed and I went to go do a few household chores - prepared to write off the weekend as one of distance and emotional confusion...
...and then she initiated ML!
...and it was good! More intensity and passion than we have had in a very very long time.
...and then she got distant again for the rest of the evening.
...and now things are friendly and cool again this morning.
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So this still leaves me with the central question I have have been working on:
How can I be strong, sexual, and "Own the sex and romance department" of our R, while still not pressuring her?
Last edited by Thinker; 05/11/0904:33 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I had to leave the room so I didn't get involved, but I almost cracked up laughing it was so ironic. I wanted to record her words and play them back to her since this was exactly how she had been treating me for a very long time.
