Moments of Clarity are spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can, for a brief period, understand, acknowledge, articulate and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior.
Some Examples of Moments Of Clarity
* A relationship partner apologizes for their behavior and agrees to attend couples therapy. * A husband acknowledges that an infidelity accusation he has held over a spouse for years isn't really true. * A sibling returns a stolen item to it's rightful owner. * A mother confesses to her children that past episodes of domestic violence were not warranted.
Moments of Clarify can, at the same time, be extremely gratifying and rather frightening to a Non.
On the one hand, they may be hearing, for the first time, the very healing words they have longed to hear for years: "I'm sorry", "You are a good husband and father", "You are a good daughter", "I'm proud of you", "You didn't deserve that", "It's not your fault", "You are important to me".
On the other hand, a sudden, unexpected change of heart, even in the right direction, can be disconcerting to a Non. There is inevitably the question of whether the change is genuine, permanent and without strings attached.
Regardless, this is going to be a very emotional time for both the personality disorder sufferer and for the Non. Some changes or promises of change turn out to be just Hoovers. Others may be honest, whole-hearted and sincere attempts at Recovery. It is likely at such a time of emotional transition that neither the PD-sufferer or the Non is completely sure whether the PD-sufferer will be able to follow through on their intentions of change.
Therefore, sudden moments of clarity, while providing a welcome respite from the cycles of abuse, are probably not the best time to make any big life-changing decisions or commitments such as moving in, getting married, getting pregnant, opening joint accounts etc. It is probably best to maintain a supportive, yet safe environment for all parties concerned and to take a wait-and-see approach for 6 months to a year. Most hoovers will not last that long.
Then there is trying not to get your hopes up just in case you will be disappointed later. It is important to remember that personality disorders are true mental health conditions over which the sufferer does not have complete control. Many of these moments of clarity are honest sincere attempts by an individual to try to reach a better place. However, it is very difficult to recover from a personality disorder and many do not make it. If we, as non's, pin all our hopes on a personality disordered loved-one's ability to climb the mountain range of recovery we may be asking them to be somebody they can not be and we may be sowing the seeds of future regret, disillusionment and resentment. We may be doing a great disservice to ourselves and to the person who we try to love.
Therefore, if you find yourself in a moment of clarity with a loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, embrace it for what it is. If at all possible, accept those precious moments of validation and apology with gratitude and humility and without gloating. Then remember who you are. You are not defined by how a person who suffers from a personality disorder sees you or describes you. You are you. When you reach a place where you can say "if he/she recovers - that's OK and if they don't - that's OK too" you may just have transferred your hope somewhere else and you will be in the best position to offer support and validation, if appropriate, to your loved one.
