I think the biggest illusion I had about my relationship when my h left was that we were going to go from zero to 10 all at once. It is like people in RL think that if he isn't talking about the relationship or professing un-dying love then you should not even entertain him. It just doesn't work that way, after so much distance between you how can you expect to just reconnect? It is back to basics, there are steps a long the way - sometimes those steps are different to what we think they will be. The more positive experiences/ interactions you can build up the better. He will start to enjoy spending time with you, and you can work from there. You can connect and make progress in other ways than r talks. R talks put pressure on WAS's.
I have found that once things are out in the open, so to speak, our spouses are more comfortable. They are not hiding a secret from you so can interact more freely and they no longer have to be scared of your reaction when you find out. As my DB coach said after me finding out about my h moving in with ow, 'you had the chance to react and you passed it up' therefore they don't have to fear you anymore.
