Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[diane74]

First of all, ty AJm ......... I'm saddened too. However Im trying hard to just suck it up I guess you could say.

Jayce
Ughh, and arghh............ Still have not said anything to him. We've been talking a lot, and getting along great. Hes back here soon for a week. But Im not happy or sad about it. Its just a visit in my opinion. I may take him for a walk, see what happens. I'm a little afraid to do that cause I don't know if I could possibly take anymore silence, or ignorance on the matter. I am sick and tired of the I dont knows, and this is me BS........ Yah, think Im cranky today. lol

[AJM]

Hey Diane74 - how's things?

[Jayce]

Hi Diane. Just read your last post. Haven't been home much. Got H to Dr. for back, friend had foot surgery, I got called in to work. Week has gone way too fast.

You are never going to get any kind of specific answer unless you ask. You are never going to get any change unless you keep insisting instead of having normal, nothing's wrong conversations. I know that's hard to do. It pushes closer to "stay or go" and splitting is a tough option. It is easy to say you get to live your life the way you want, etc. but there's way more to it, for example having to move or being without enough income and the kids'lives being disrupted. I figure it takes about 10 years to recover financially from divorce. Unless you find a rich guy LOL.

Your guy has it made. So far, even tho you've raised hell in the past and are doing it again now, you've always backed off at some point, waiting for his answer, change, next move - and there isn't one. Ball's in his court & he just hangs onto it. Game over. You don't win, he doesn't lose. It is time for you to go to some kind of counseling, small town or not. Get a professional to help you figure out how to survive, live with your marriage as is or how to move on.

As usual, the evil meanie in me says make an appointment for both of you & take him while he's home. Tell him you're going out for ice cream. Ambush isn't nice, but it'd sure shake things up.

The more practical side of me says if you want to ML, act like it. Every time he is home, every nite, wear the sexy stuff, approach him (as if nothing's wrong)in a positive mood. Pleasant, friendly, happy, not confrontational or like its a trap. Actions speak louder than words. You've said you're a sexual person, show him.

I know rejection is hard to take, exactly how it feels, but if you're not backing up your requests with action - well, I'm guessing he benefits from knowing you're chicken to go for it. He doesn't have to initiate, he figures he'd strike out, make things worse, whatever's in his head. You know he's capable. He's young, healthy, head's scrambled, yes, but no physical limitations. If he declines, at least you know he's not trying to hide an ED problem or something similar.

Could you live with having as much sex as you want if you always have to initiate to get it? Or do you have to have him initiate in order to prove to you he wants you? That he really wants you? Its possible he needs that "engraved invitation" to be sure you really want him.

Even if you tried it before & it didn't work, try it again. every night. You have nothing to lose. You will not only clearly show him you mean what you say, you will also learn a little more about what you want & what you can deal with. I hate that part, LOL, learning more about myself :P
Jayce

[diane74]

So.............

He's home for a visit as I put it, and yesterday I decided to mention the letter I sent. Remember that all ?? Ughh! Well, I asked why he was " pissed " as he put in his reply, and that fact that I never received a response. He then says, " I don't remember." I won't lie, I was hurt. Yet again! He then asks if it's the email talking about being roommates. I told him yes, and that is what made him angry. He say's he doesn't want a roommate, and he doesn't feel we are that I guess. It made him mad that I think it is what we are. Arghhhhh again. Cause really, I believe we are. However that is NOT the point here that is important. It's the fact that WE need to work on this. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously. That he just wants it to all go away. I then looked at him and said.......... >>

I am to old for this. I am to old to try and talk to my husband about things I feel are important and you ( he ) play the game of not remembering or staring into space until I either blow up or give up. That regardless if we disagree, we are husband and wife and should be able to talk. This IS an issue. A husband and wife who don't touch for years on end SHOULD be talking, or moving on.

He of course stared into space. This guy is so broken it's not even funny. I know he wants to talk, but has no idea how to. He looked just lost. So I just said that I couldn't and would not let him to do this anymore. Sure were building a future, but we are NOT building a marriage here.

The end...........

Not sure where it will go from here now. He is here until Saturday. And in all honesty, I can't wait until Im on my own again. Pretty sad statement to make, but its true.

[diane74]

He also mentioned that now he " doesn't know how to start IT " anymore........... hmmmmmmmmmmm

Not sure what anyone else would think here , but I think that's a cop out. He's 39 years old, I mean really.

[LG nm12]

Diane,

It seems that you intend to live in your sexless marriage even if your H will not work. His actions and words are truth -- He isn't going to work. Yet you still hang on.

It is OK if you decide to stay in the marriage. The first step, whether you stay or leave, is to work toward acceptance of what IS. As it stands, you are not going to have a sex life with your H no matter what you do.

It is time to accept.

And, it is time to ask yourself if you are going to live without sex, or if you absolutely must have it. If the latter, then it is time to shake up your current situation to make yourself available to someone who wants to have love and sex with you.

Does this rationale work for you? What are your obstacles?

Lucky

[bob48]

I know exactly what your husband means - or at least i think I do. But does he have to START IT? Can you start IT?

I have felt that way in the past about my wife. It just seemed so hard to get things going in a natural comfortable manner. I told her that if she wanted sex, she would have to initiate it. And when she got desperate enough she did.

Fortunately, we broke through all of that and are soaring. But I can still remember those days and having no idea what to do about it but to accept it.

bob

He also mentioned that now he " doesn't know how to start IT " anymore........... hmmmmmmmmmmm

Not sure what anyone else would think here , but I think that's a cop out. He's 39 years old, I mean really.

[diane74]

Well, I honestly don't know what to do now. To be honest, I think my head is in the sand cause its safe there, and I don't know what to do. I think I'm too hurt to do anything or make any decisions at the moment.

I think his reaction is BS, I think his treatment of me is disrespectful, and I don't buy the I forgets............. So, with all that, I myself am at a standstill.

[LG nm12]

I'm sorry, Diane. It makes me so sad to read your post.

I believe that you will do what you need/want to do when you know what that is and when you are ready for it. Until then... I recommend a pedicure, plenty of pizza and ice cream, a summer shoe shopping spree, lots of crap TV, and abandonment of housecleaning or any other chores.

Thinking you you.

Lucky

[Jayce]

Hey, Diane. I'm guessing your week together is over? If not, print out the emails & the letter. Stick them in front of his staring eyes. Point out each sentence. Get loud if you have to . Scream, cry. INSIST he talk. If he says he 'doesn't know how to start it anymore' MAKE him explain.

One thing that worked on my H (which has a little different meaning cuz he's older)was to tell/remind him about 'use it or lose it'. Six weeks of not using any physical body parts results in deterioration: Muscles, nerve connections. You can't do that indefinitely without impaired function. Anybody remember what your arm felt like when they took the cast off?

He hasn't used his libido, ability to have an erection, mental connections or tactile sensation for ages. The mental part is probably hardest to recover, especially if it was shaky to begin with. Possibly that was his way of saying he's lost all confidence. High anxiety is a killer.

Anyway, wave the paper copies in his face. MAKE him remember. and since he can't remember how to 'start it' YOU DO IT. Go after him. JUMP ON HIS BONES! Jump start his feelings. Make him believe YOU REALLY WANT A SEX LIFE! You stop every time he won't talk. No wonder he does that. It works. You let him duck it. Cut it out. Cowgirl up! If he doesn't have the cojones, you have to. The shock will get things moving.

Just do it. Break out of your stalled circle. What's the worst that can happen? What's the best? Just do it.

I'll be back in a week,
Jayce