Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Thanks Robx, I am going to be coming back to this post probably more.

Where is my strength? How is it possible I allow someone to have this power over me to make me Sad/Angry and hurt? I can see clearly the Detach, GAL, and not be a doormat is what needs to happen. WHY WHY WHY can I not do this all the time?

This weekend was a really tough one, I need to write it down to try and clear it away again.

My Brother in law came over Saturday to help me with work on my house, but because it was raining, we had to cancel. However, I wanted to show him a video of a drag race I had taken the previous week, and as I log into the computer, I see my W has left up and internet order page for a Sex book on tips and tricks to please a man. Later I had to ask my W about it, as I was overcome by emotions and anger, I did not however try and be confrontational, but just ask her what she was buying that for, and she flips on me again saying she is not having an affair, and is just trying to educate herself on men in general. I am having a hard time believing that. I was able to tell her though that I just needed to discuss it so I didn't carry it around all that day when we had to attend an Auction event that night for my D's school.

Sunday was not much better, I had to spend the whole day working on the roof of my house, and it just built and built that I was doing all this and would likely have to be selling the house soon. Tired and hurt at the end of the day, I tried to discuss us again, and she stormed upstairs and went to bed.

MAN how can I control and remove this behavior? I have been reading many books, websites, stories and working on going to my own counseling, DB Coaching, and GAL, but keep PUSHING HER AWAY!!!!!

I can so clearly see that my behavior is doing, but at times seem incapable of stopping it! I am so angry at myself right now, and just venting to get it out. How on earth would she ever come back to me when I am like this!!!

I have to again refocus, but this week I have to visit the L to get going on what is going to happen in the next few months, and that is weighing on me, and I need to clear that out somehow..

Starting over again this week..