Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

This is going to be a LONG one!!!!

I have been really thinking hard about what to do with my H and the fact that he wants to make things work. I had been contemplating the idea that even if we still go through with the divorce that going to a MC would still be good for both of us. That an MC maybe able to help me rebuild on my lack of self esteem and feeling like a failure in my M and helping me rebuild trust in people after what has happened. I am a firm believer in the fact that if you take your desctructive ways on to the next relationship then that relationship will probably end in failure to. That you have to learn to change those ways and only then you can move freely to the next relationship without extra baggage.

Any way after I had been thinking this then I talked to my H again and everything was different. He was a complete jerk again. I just ended up telling him that I really did not see how he could ever change and be a better person and that I had been extremely stupid to even consider giving him a 2nd chance. Then I hung up. The next day I get a text that said he was sorry last night. I texted back and said that sorry did not stop the pain in my heart for the way that he had treated me and the things that he had said. He then texted that he wanted to talk at lunch and that he loved me. I did not respond. At lunch he called me (and I should not have answered but I am a sucker for my H) and he said that he was sorry about all of it and that he had gotten angry and when he got angry he ended up wanting to hurt me emotionally because he was hurt that way. I said that by him doing it that way, he was pushing me farther away and that I was having doubts about a 2nd chance and that I did not think that it would work. He asked me to still go to the MC with him. I said that I would think about it.

The nasty night was on Thrusday, then its I'm sorry on Friday. What a freaking roller coaster of emotions. So I am thinking that I am not going to talk to him all weekend becasue it's Mother's Day and I don't want to have to deal with. Saturday before Mother's Day, I get a call that I need to pick up something at a garden nursery. I knew that my MIL had something for me for mother's Day so I thought it was that. NO it was from my H. He had purchased a VERY large arrangement of flowers over the internet on Friday for me. I did send him text that said thank you but that was all.

Saturday night. He calls and asked me what I thought of the flowers I told him they were very nice and that indeed it was a surprise. He said 'See I am tryingto show you that I love you and want to make this M work. Can we please go to the MC together?' I tell him fine that I will go. Then he says that I have to drop the protective order if I want to go with him to the same MC then. I say really that was a nice change up. Got off the phone with him and went out with friends.

Sunday, Mother's Day!! Had a great day with my girls!!! I would not have changed it for nothing!!!

He texted me and asked that I please drop the protective order and then we can go from there. I did not texted him back so he called. I answered and he repeated it to me. I said that I wanted the girls' phone number that he had been texting dirty messages to so that I could confirm that he had told her that he would not be doing this with her anymore. He said I had to drop the order first. I said that I did not want to drop it until I could confirm that he was making progress towards making this M work and getting out of his sexually destructive ways. He then says that the girl probably would not talk to me anyway. I asked why not if she and he has nothing to hide? He says that she does not like me. I asked why since I had only met her one time and that i was nice to her (that was before I knew all of the text messages were being sent back and forth with her). I said the only reason for her to not like me is because you (my H) had to have been badmouthing me to her to give her a reason not to like someone that she had never met but once. He said that he had only been telling this girl the truth about me. I said your distorted truth not mine.
He got mad and told me that my time was up on the phone to talk to him. I said there you go, back to your old controlling, rude, arrogant, and destructive ways and your time is up with me too and then I hung up. He texted later to say that he was sorry for that. I texted back and said:

'Yes you have done some things that are nice and show some changes. It's great to see that! It's hard 4 me to give of myself after such heart breaking betrayal. You may have done some outward things that are nice but you have not changed inside at all. Your still the same old (name) H with the same old thinking and same destructive ways. Hard for me to believe that dropping the order will help change your ways or your thinking."

I think I did good for standing up for myself through all of this crap that he keeps dishing out to me.

I am sorry that this was so long but I have not had time to get on here and vent like I would have liked. Hope you guys are still out there and have some advice for me. Need some advice right about now or even some sort of reassurance that I am not crazy!!! LOL!!