I know you feel conflicted with the advice on this board. BTW, I agree with GFI 100% and you did EXCELLENT by not getting reeled into an argument with W btw.
So this is what I think, it's only one person's two cents worth.
1) Your W is used to pattern of arguing with you. She was quite good at drawing you into a verbal battle, now you see the pattern and you've put a stop to it. Excellent. If you see it coming, then you can stop the destructive patterns.
2) Listen to me and GF12, you don't need your W's validation on being a good dad. Remember, pat yourself on the back. You make your own happiness. You've ticked off one box in your list - keep being a good dad. Now, make yourself happy by finding a job/career/calling you enjoy. It is NOT your W's job to make you happy, buddy. It's YOURS.
3) I feel that you are kind of an all or nothing kind of guy, that's why you have trouble with the advice people give you. You see things as, 'Do I have to go TOTALLY dark?' 'Do I have to anticipate ALL of my W's and my kids' needs?' 'Do I have to back down EVERY TIME my W is making a request?'
I will try to help you lead you away from that kind of thinking. Imagine you are making your now-famous roast chicken dinner. The recipe calls for salt, lemon, garlic. Would you put in a whole bottle of salt, a bushel of lemons and ten heads of garlic? No, you will probably experiment a little first with a little salt, juice of half a lemon and a few cloves of garlic. Each time you might adjust the recipe a little till you get the flavor just right.
That is what you need to do with DB. See what works with your W. Experiment a little bit. (Remember, your W's comment that you go overboard?) Do a little of this, a little of that. Monitor the results. Put it in a diary. Then you will see a pattern and this pattern will tell you what works and what doesn't.
Your W now is realizing that you are breaking your old marital pattern. You are stopping the destructive train. The next step, after awhile of no-fighting is to test the waters. Test to see if she is amenable to some positive interaction. You got to take it one step at a time. You are on a steam engine. It takes time to slow that train down. Let it come to a complete stop before you can reverse it. You can't do it all at once.
Sorry this post is all analogies but I am trying to paint a picture for you.
As for MLC, not MLC, hardline, softline etc. You know your W best. You probably have a sense of what would work and what would antagonize her to the point of no-return.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
