New to all of this

[sandi2]

My first thoughts are that he is so frustrated and sad about what he sees his mother going through. Maybe there is even some guilt from when he was younger (we never know what somebody feels if they don't talk about it). I think what he sees in his dad when looking at his mother.....is probably sorrow, pity, guilt, and yes even love. If anything, his dad has to be sorry that he did not treat his wife better in the past and now he knows he will never be able to tell her the things he should have before or have the opportunities he once had to show her how valuable she was to him. So, your H is probably misinterpreting what he is seeing in his father's eyes. I think he is seeing what he wants to see, plus he seems to have forgotten what the past was really like. People in MLC tend to re-write history. I would not be surpirsed that this has not thrown him into MLC b/c he sees how short life can be and how precious "time" is and therefore wants to make the most of "his" life. He starts to examine how happy he is or isn't and then decides he does not have the perfect love union like his parents did (which we know they didn't). That is only the beginning of how mixed up people can be as they find themselves in MLC.

I am so glad that you have received your DR book. Be sure to keep it out of sight from your H b/c this is only for you. It will be your toolbox as to how to bust a divorce. It is for your eyes only b/c it is like having a game plan and you don't want to show the opposing team your plan.

I feel that the first thing you need to do is try to get your H to feel more relaxed b/c if he doesn't real soon......he will be wanting to move out of the house. The reason is b/c he is in a lot of emotional pain and confusion right now and people in MLC want to escape from their misery and all they know to do is to run away from what they "think" is the cause of it. Right now, he thinks you and the M is the cause of his unhappiness.

I think you might try to have a relaxed conversation with him and tell him that you will not place any expections on him as far as intimacy goes and that you don't want him worrying that you will misinterpret his actions (or lack of actions) as he mentioned before. Be careful not to say anything about his parents. That is a touchy subject for him and could easily lead to a fight. However, you could tell him that you just want to be able for both of you to have a relaxed atmosphere at home and not expect a lot from each other and just try to feel comfortable.

I would keep the conversation rather short and sweet and not get into a relationship talk at that time. The point is that if he feels that he can "let down" and not have a lot of expectation from you as far as the MR or jobs around the house or whatever....then he will not feel the urge to leave. I'm not sure of anything that puts more burden on a person than family illness such as his mother has. I lived in a situation where my D was concerned for years and it puts so much stress on the individual and the marriage! Obviously he is stressed to the limits right now and is on the verge of doing something to get out from under the pressure. That is what you don't want to happen! He needs to feel that he can come home and relax and not have you telling him what all needs done around the house or even to hear about your problems. That puts a lot of stuff on you to bear, but if you want your H to stay with you and weather this storm, then you need to do it. It takes a strong woman to do that. Even though you are natually taking this very personal......somehow, I feel that it all stems from what he is going through with his parents. So if you can stop the crying and keep telling yourself that he does not mean what he says or what he does, but that he just doesn't know how to deal with his problems.....and that he needs you to be there for him......I believe he will stay.

The next thing, is to pull away to a degree. Don't follow him around the house asking questions or talking his ears off or doing other things to get his attention. I'm not saying that you do those things, but a lot of women do when they feel insecure in the MR. Let him feel that he has space. I'm sure that if he has not already told you that he needs space, that will be the next item on his list. So, it will be to your credit to pull back before he tells you that.

As you are around the house when he is home, you try to keep a rather "care-free" personality. Stay as positive as you can, but don't do it at the wrong time. In other words, when he is sad about his mother, don't slap him on the back and tell him to cheer up! You don't want to "over-kill" and you do want to be time sensitive to what he's going through.

By being care-free, I mean to act as if you are going to enjoy life with or without him. Enjoy your children, your social activities, church, etc. When you are just watching a movie, act as if you are really enjoying it. Don't go around the house acting as if your last friend has died b/c frankly, nobody enjoys being around anyone who has a doom & gloom attitude.

I don't mean for this to sound harsh toward "you", I am just trying to throw some principles out there for you to catch in a short time.

As far as the MC goes......if he acts as if he doesn't want to continue, I don't think I would press it b/c it add more pressure to him. Again, you want to relieve him of all the pressure you can. Do all you can to make him feel free of any responsibility and pressure when he is home. I know.......as the man he is suppose to do that, but we are not talking about a permanent thing, just until he can get through this stuff he's going through. People in his shoes "break" from the emotional stress and that is what you are trying to prevent. You want him to look forward to coming home....not dreading it.

With having said that, I don't want you to think you are to cater to him and wait on him hand and foot, b/c to him that will be smoothering him....and that is the last thing he wants. Remember, give his all the space he wants. Don't ask him what he is going to do everytime he walks out of the room. Don't text him a dozen times a day. Don't call, email, or whatever your usual style of communication is during the day. Only if it is absolutely necessary should you contact him. That may be a hard habit to break if you are one of those W's that does that a lot, but rest assured that he will resent you constantly checking in with him if you don't stop. (That is how he will see it.....and it gets on his nerves big time.)

It is strange with human nature, but when we pull back a bit, then the other one will draw closer. Maybe not immediately, but in time. However, if we following them around like a puppy dog wanting a pat on the head, or we smoother them with our ever presence or get on their nerves trying to do something "for" them when all they want is to be "away" from us........we are hurting ourselves. See what I mean?

I think you are a smart woman and mature enough to know what you have to do to save this M. If he is going into a MLC (or already there), it will take a lot of time and patience for you, but it will be worth it if you stick by the DB techniques.

I'll talk to you later.

Take care,
Sandi2